Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong! 

Pro's (of going home):

1. My family

2. Further my career

3. I'm single

4. I have done all I can in this country

5.  I'm alone

 Con's (of going home):

1. Back to the real world

2. Bills, Rent, Tax

3. Lower pay

4. I'm Single

5. I have no money saved

6. I'm alone

It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay. 

I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help. 

x

That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

The Resignation

“Resignation requires will, and will requires decision, and decision requires belief, and belief requires that there is something to believe in!”
― Anne Rice


I never planned on quitting my job; it sort of happened by chance. For what seemed like a solid decision to stay for a third year at my current school, I was easily persuaded by a different future. A future that would allow me to be part of a British Curriculum, to belong to a school that valued its' staff and to show what I can do as a teacher.

Realistically, there is nothing wrong with my current position, being a Lead Teacher of some sort. But it came at a price. The price of my mental state. It wasn't about the money either; pay me what I am worth and that was what mattered to me. It was the constant battle between instinct and duty. It was the constant rejection of improvement that closed the deal. How could I improve myself and my team if I wasn't given the chance? There was no opportunity for change no matter how much they argued for it. 

I had many sleepless nights; stressing, worrying over what the next day would bring. So I decided to look down another path, another direction to take. It was that decision that led me straight into a different learning environment. How was I easily persuaded? Well when you think an interview had sucked so bad but you were given an offer of acceptance within 6 hours surely that was a sign.

I am aware that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but maybe this will work out for the best.

The career

“Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now that's  how I feel.  I don't want to work. I don't  want to be tied in a position that I will have to live in for the rest of my life.  I don't  want to be backed into a corner, explaining all my decisions to someone in a higher positon. To someone who doesn't  see me at my best, only my worst.

This past week has had me all distracted. I recently got a promotion at work and now it's  left me all dazed. I am no longer in my zone; I don't  have the energy to teach anymore. There's no laughter in my voice. Every little thing a child does angers or upsets me. Other teachers have noticed this too. No appetite, loss of weight, clumsiness and being unaware of objects/people around me. Many thought it was because of a boy. I did too. That was until I saw my new job description lying on my apartment floor. Performance  will be reviewed. That was it. It was those words that send my mind into a whirlwind of panic. No not panic, more like numbness.

I keep thinking to myself, I am too  young for this. 2 years teaching experience is not enough to lead a team. How can anyone take me serious? How can I support a group of teachers if I can barely support myself?

Apparently I can, as I am constantly  reminded. You wouldn't  have this opportunity if you couldn't  do it. Actually  I realised the reason why I have this position; it's not because I can help others around me, lead and inspire, but because I helped complete a few administrative tasks - something anybody could do. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. There are other teachers better suited for the position and I am constantly reminded of that when I see their face, the change in atmosphere when I enter the room or even the comments to the line manager.

It's  unfair of me to be ungrateful for this role and I simply must give it time, people time to adjust,  and time for me to realise how I can handle this.

The question is: how much time?

Life after Books

” but there is this unwritten contract between author and reader and I think not ending your book kind of violates that contract.”
                                        John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I recently read a book by John Green Fault in Our Stars and it was definitely an interesting read. Now I am not going to write a review on this story because I have my opinion and that is mine only. However, it made some interesting points about characters and endings of stories, and it made me question my own thoughts.


When a story is placed upon paper, characters and situations are born. They may not be real in existence, but they are real on the page. They are given a background, a life, a history, upon which they evolve into deeper beings. Simply immortalized in words. They are brought to life through their personalities. We learn their likes, dislikes, their ability to bond with other characters. No being is created from thin air. Even those that maybe only mentioned once or twice, they still play a part. It is this creation that poses a problem. As a reader you form your own opinion of each character, you seem to bond with them, learn to love or hate them. Yet when the problem of the story has been solved and the book comes to a close, you face a problem. Does that story really end there? What happens afterwards? Is the light turned off for good? Are these characters thrown in to a disposal bin of endings?

It was this thought that puzzled me the most. Do we really need to know what happens after that last page has ended, after that last period? If a story ends in a happen ending, is it really necessary to think about them more? The answer is no. They are simply words on a page that have been written for our enjoyment only. They are not biographies of life. They are not real people. It is not realistic to end all stories with a happy ending, the characters living a perfect life with everything resolved and dying peacefully in their sleep. That itself would pose more questions than answers.

 So what if a story ends in the middle, not completing the story. Take Hazel for example, the reader learns everything, if not more, that we need to know as if she was a real being beside us. Yet as the story progresses, so does our attachment to the character. This is our downfall. When the story dramatically ends, with no explanation, we are left with disappointment. What happened next? Did she live happily? Was she cured? The only person who knows is the character herself. Even her creator doesn't know. It is in this ending that we are able to write our own endings. Each one unique as the person next to us. Yes we may still be left with that question , what happened, burning our curiosity bit by bit, but stories life this imitate life perfectly. Just as 'stories end in the middle of a sentence' with no reason, our life can end at any second, without reason and those around will be left asking questions.

It is simply our nature to question everything and not to take it at face value. It is what it is. This is why I think John Green has hit the proverbial nail on the head. I would leave this post in the middle of a sentence, but I do not have the will power to do so.

So I will leave it with this conclusion. Forming your own answers in your mind is more appropriate than reading a solid ending in a story. You can create your own world for these characters, and no one will question it.

The End is Near

The end is near. Well for my contract in the Middle East that is. It is hard to believe that this time last year I had sent off my CV to a teaching agency on a whim. I wasn’t hoping to get an interview after all I hadn’t even completed the PCET course. I had a back plan of course – supply teaching. I didn’t want to raise my hopes for them to be knocked back down. Yet never in a million years would I have thought of applying for a full-time teaching position in the Middle East. For me to do that I would have to step out of my comfort zone and open myself to rejection on a grander scale.  Nevertheless I put myself out there and waited for the inevitable reply. I didn’t have to wait long though. A few days later and I received an offer letter to be signed and returned as soon as possible. Time after that seemed to pass in a blink of an eye.  A year on and I am currently going through the same progress – signing an offer letter for next yet.

The thing that has me most excited is my vacation time in July. I will be going home. Though I will only be in the UK for four weeks as I have my very own Euro-trip booked; by Euro-trip I mean Newcastle – Amsterdam – Rotterdam – Stockholm – Gothenburg. Hopefully my next summer vacation will include Finland, Hungary and Denmark. When discussing my plans with my family over skype, my brother appeared and stated I should visit Krakow, Poland. His reasoning for this, which is horribly amusing, is to see how many Polish live there since the UK is swarmed with them. Slightly racist brother I have there.

I have been thinking about my plans for the British summer and I realised I will definitely need to make time for my best friend’s first new-born baby.  I am so ecstatic for her. It’s surreal that the girl  I grew up with for eleven years is about to be a mother.  She’s all grown up now. It also reminds of my little girl waiting at home for me – my beautiful nightmare of a niece. I can’t wait to shower her in kisses and maybe cause some mischief around the town with her. My Lillie-bug is one hilarious child. I am so grateful that she hasn’t forgotten me. 

In other news, someone recently mentioned to me about remembering me when I have published my work and it got me thinking; why do I need to publish my work? Is it to earn money? For someone criticise my work publicly? So everyone knows who I am? If these are the reasons  then my answer is no. I write to let my feelings out. I am not bothered if no-one or everyone reads it. It’s my hobby, my own pleasure – no-one else’s. I may link my posts on social network sites, but that is so one of my good friends can read it- and nothing else.

I am currently in the middle of writing a book – continuing what I had started in university for an assignment. Again this is for me only; to see what I can accomplish. I remember listening to my English tutor say to me: “Even if you only write a 100 words a week, you can still write a  complete novella or even a novel, but it all depends on your state of mind and whether you want  to finish something you have started.” This stuck with me for 3 years, but I didn’t return to my story until recently. 

It’s amazing what changes a person can go through without really knowing. I am still the girl who watches the world rather than participates, but at the end of the day I know what risks are worth taking and which choices are simply unrealistic. Whether it’s my upcoming plans for the summer, or my continuous need to write something, I know life has plenty of things in store for me.

Well that s enough writing for now,

See you on the other side of the Internet

Melissa

Six month catch-up with MJR

So what is going on in the life of MJR. To be honest, absolutely nothing. Tumble-weed. Actually, tumble-weed probably has more of a life than I do lately. Let's get back to were I last left off - the honeymoon phase. Well that part didn't last long at all as it was over by October, and depression soon reared its' sad ugly head. Nothing really happened during October-December, just drinking and working. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything. However, during my two week vacation, I visited home and it soon made me realise that life in Al Ain wasn't that bad.  I didn't seem to fit in at home, and the atmosphere was terrible. It was nice seeing my family though, even if I did spend most of the time fighting with my parents or sleeping. Since my return to the UAE, I haven't really thought that much about home. Work has kept me on my toes. 12 weeks without a break has finally taken its toll on me. Work consumes five days of my week, and the last two are used for playing the sleep catch-up game. Nothing productive ever happens on Fridays and Saturdays. Work, eat, sleep. Three words that sum up my life quite perfectly. Thankfully, there are only two weeks left and then its vacation time. A much needed vacation time.

Well so far I have climbed a mountain - albeit in a car. The view was amazing, seeing the whole of Al Ain was a spectacular vision. I also attended the first game in the new Al Ain stadium. I hate football but it was a good day out even if I was hungover. The school also allowed us to attend the Red Bull AirRace in Abu Dhabi. Again I hate planes...but the whole twisting and turning and the aerobatic show afterwards was immense.

It's hard to believe that 6months has gone by, and only 4 months till I can visit the UK again. I can't wait to get a decent social life. My personal life here is quite abysmal. Lent has made it quite hard to enjoy the past 10 days as well. No fast food, no chocolate, no alcohol, no pleasures. However, I did cheat - I accidentally ate chocolate courtesy to Sheenal's cake-in-a-cup. It was only due to the fact that I was amazed that a cake could be made in a cup in just 90 seconds. It tasted so delicious. Luckily, the no alcohol rule is still standing. I have been placed in temptations way quite a lot.

Speaking of temptations, the reason why I have used MJR in my post is because of a new nickname that I have acquired during my time here. I normally hate nicknames but this one I kind of like. Obviously it's my initials, but it's simple. Maybe I only liked it because of the person who gave me it. When he says MJR, it's like velvet rolling of his tongue. He is a bass player in the local bar I attend - yeah I seem to attract the bassists - but he's rather sweet when he wants to be. His cute ass has also gotten me in to trouble a few times too. Crazy bitches following him around have expressed their distaste in me knowing him; hey that's another story that could take forever to type up. Anyways enough about him and more about my vacation.

So two weeks and two days off will finally give me a chance to see Dubai. That's right. I have lived here for 6 months and all I have seen is Dubai airport and Abu Dhabi beach. I will be venturing out by myself as the others will be on their holidays in other countries. I don't mind going alone, but some company would be nice. So I've planned for Dubai, Abu Dhabi and maybe Oman if I can fit it in to my budget. Who knows.

Well this is all I can be bothered to type at the moment. I'm sure those that read this have me on social network sites can catch-up with me on there.

It's only the beginning

You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning

So this is it. The wait has dwindled down from three months to just three days. Three more sunrises and it will be time. Time to start my new beginning. A new life in a new city, a new country, a new continent. But where did this all begin? 

A year ago I decided to put all my career options into a hat and let the fates decide my path. The options ranged from being an editor to a teacher. The latter became the answer. After submitting a personal statement and going through all the difficulties of UCAS once again, deciding which universities to apply for and what aspect of teaching I wanted to do, I received an unconditional offer from the University of Teesside. Of course I had to attend an interview, which wasn't all that stressful, but I accepted the offer. It seemed almost too perfect. A few months later I was opening my letter saying that I had been given a place on the PGCE PC/ET course starting in September 2012. This was it. The start of a new career path.

It was here that I found that it was too good to be true. Not in the sense that it was a scam or anything negative, but my bad luck decided to rear its' ugly head. It took until December for my placement to be sorted out, others had been sorted months before hand. So after countless security checks I was finally ready to start putting what I had learned so far into practice. However January 9th saw another setback to my teacher training. A last minute decision to celebrate my new placement happened to include an emergency trip to the a&e. It turned out I had broken my foot. This caused another six week delay to reaching my 100 hour target.

Yet after all this I didn't give up. I had to keep my spirits up and achieve something. And I did. 102.4 hours later I had finally reached the target. I completed all the assignments and everything else that was asked of me. Though there was one more thing I had to do - find a job. So I applied to a local teaching agency ready to start work as a supply teacher. One day fate decided to step in and through me in a different direction. Overseas Teaching.

This was not something I considered at all. Yes, I had fantasies of living in Australia or somewhere in America; but they were only fantasies. A particular agency in the UK was advertising a range of positions across the globe, and suddenly I found my fingers clicking away on the laptop applying for the advertised roles. Qatar, Kuwait, Egypt, UAE. It would be the UAE that would change my life. For better or worse, I cannot say. After all the interviews, communication breakdowns and endless researching, I finally became a English teacher to Grade 3 and Grade 4 pupils attending a private school in Al Ain, UAE.

This is my beginning. I finally enter my new life on Thursday 29th August 2013. It will be here where I will post my ups and downs, my adventures, my mishaps.

The end of one teaching experience....

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

                        (Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland)

Education allows every individual to create their own paths in life; whether that’s to explore themselves as a person, extend their knowledge and wisdom, or even help develop a career that they would like.

Teacher Professionalism:

Professionalism, in any aspect of teaching, is a critical component of education. Professionalism, to me, means a commitment to teaching my subject knowledge to others and presenting what is best for the learners. It also means having the right skills and attitudes modelled for the learners – to be a positive role in their education. By having the right attitude to teaching, I can take more risks with lessons and make changes that will improve the learning.  I have also learnt that flexibility is the key to being professional.  As I was unable to teach my specialist subject, English Literature, I had to adapt to teach Functional Skills Literacy instead. Here I did encounter problems and mistakes within my teaching of this subject, but my experience helped me overcome this issue. Teaching a different subject helped me to be resilient and adaptable when such problems did arise.

My teaching experience also helped me to develop a professional attitude to treating all students fairly and look for the best in my learners. The learning environment showed me how focusing on the strengths rather than their criminal record helped remove bias and prejudice from myself and other learners.  This also strengthened my ability to follow through on disciplinary methods for the more disruptive learners.    

Teacher Values:

My values of teaching have changed throughout the experience I have been given. At first, I thought teaching was about being knowledgeable about the subject I teach; however, you must have the ability to communicate to pass on that knowledge. Communication here relates to the concept that teachers must be able to connect with the learners, and keep them interested in every session that occurs. Yet it is not just the learners you need to communicate with, it’s communicating your thoughts and feelings with other members of staff to help develop yourself as a teacher.

I also believe that trust and confidence are important in teacher values. My mentor has helped me with this aspect as my learning environment required a high level of trust and confidence in the learners. I was only allowed to share information told to me by the learners when it threatened the safety of the learners and myself. However I must understand both the learners’ educational and emotional need regardless of their criminal background.

Another value that has been shaped by my experience is my level of organisation and more pressure has been placed upon me due to the nature of the learning environment. The learners’ work has to be marked promptly as no work is to leave the learning environment for their own safety and maintaining their ILPS at the end of the session was a difficulty. As a trainee teacher my lesson plans had to be created well in advance and any resources had to be sent to the deputy leader for system checks. This developed my ability to create lessons that were simple, practical and achievable for the learners and the focus was only on them.

As a result my mentor at my learning environment helped in the shaping of my teacher values. By sharing my thoughts and reflecting at the end of every session, I was developing as a more professional teacher all the time. Here teamwork by all the members off staff, and my tutor at the university, provided me with tips to control, manage and inspire the learners and the sharing of resources; this increased my level of confidence in teaching and make me realise you do not have to be alone in the learning environment.

Motivating and Engaging Learners:

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment were I finally managed to motivate and engage all learners at the same time; it was simply a case of trial and error. This was due to the churn factor of new learners and the leaving of old learners. However, one way to overcome this problem was to embed a multiple of teaching resources that took into consideration the needs of every individual; for example one typical lesson would use activities on the smart-board to allow group work, and the learners would develop their skills by using comprehension tasks and worksheets which allowed for individual or paired help. By employing different teaching methods in each session meant that the students were constantly challenged, but were allowed to complete the work at their own pace to achieve more than their potential.

One thing I did learn from this was patience; some days the mixing of resources worked whereas other days, simple tasks were the key. By taking into the consideration of the learners' needs in a more active way, I asked the learners how they preferred to learn. This meant that they played a more solid role in their learning. However, I finally realise that it is not always possible to produce creative lessons in such an environment due to the issue of safeguarding the individuals; i.e. competitive tasks normally resulted in learners being disruptive and physical. Yet it is possible to produce these tasks in small quantities and not reuse the resources over again and the session would still be effective.

Teaching Experience:

Throughout my teaching at HMP Durham Prison, I have found it most challenging in terms of its preparation for lessons. Unlike other educational institutions, everything I prepare has to be checked for the safety of the learners and me.  Yet I managed to overcome this by using many online resources such as the SkillsWorkshop, BBC Skillswise, and even the Online English Dictionary. These resources were simple to modify and adapt to each session, and the learners took to the tasks straight away without a problem. Marking work was also a problem within the environment. I had to learn to create assessment tasks that could be marked within the sessions and would still provide an opportunity to provide feedback for the learners.

A typical day would consist of new learners stating they did not want to be in this class, that it was ‘useless’ to them. I learnt to take these comments in stride, and found a way to encourage the learners to stay in education. By acting more than a teacher to them, and actually listening to what they had to say the learners began to trust my teaching methods and turned up to the following session the week after when I was teaching. Many had said that their school ‘teacher did not care’ about the individual and their learning, and began to appreciate that I went out of my way to include them all the time. This also showed me how much learners rely on praise subconsciously. John Wooden once said that:

“Seek opportunities to show you care. The smallest gestures often make the biggest difference.”

Throughout the two and three hour sessions I taught that learners seemed to enjoy the lesson more when they were praised on their achievement. However I made sure not to over-praise as it would appear that I was being condescending to some. The effect of my praise towards the learners seemed to carry on beyond the classroom doors. This showed exactly how communication “must also depend on how interested in other people we really are”.

“When you study great teachers... you will learn much more from their caring and hard work than from their style.”

 I believe that without my mentor and my tutor showing how they invest in what the students actually say then I would not be able to create an environment where learners would feel like they can walk away saying that they have actually enjoyed the lesson and that they have learnt something. I hope with everything that I have learnt over the year, I will pass on to my students. I know that obstacles will stand in my way, but that will make my career choice more exciting.

---

One month to go...

It really amazes me how each day has the same amount of seconds, minutes and hours, yet they pass by quicker than the last. It only felt like a few days ago when I received an email containing an
'acceptance of the offer' letter. In fact I signed the form little over a month ago. It seems that life is going so fast that my mind cannot comprehend what is happening.

There is one thing that keeps me up awake, making the night last longer; and that is all the people I will miss.

1) My mum - I will miss the 10am wake up call that she manages to give me every morning. I will miss the annoying 'just checking your still alive' phone calls. I will miss the snarky and bitchy comments we make at each other when one of us is clearly not in the mood. Yet most of all I will miss her warmth and love that a mother gives her child.
2) My dad - I don't really see him that much due to him working away all the time but I will miss the comments he gives when we do unite... (so you're a dumb blonde now...by your putting on the weight and so on). I will miss the arguments were one of us has to be right no matter what. I will definitely miss getting my random hugs from him when I'm feeling down, lonely, or even just bored.
3) My brother - He may have his own family now, and his own house, but I will miss the random phone calls, his way of conning lifts from me, and all the dead arms I receive when trying to beat him up.  I know Jacqueline and Lillie will keep him occupied.
4) My niece -I will miss the way she says 'missa'. I will miss all of her little attitudes she has. I will miss her hugs and kisses and the way she wakes me up in the morning. I will miss her little laugh and her demanding ways.

I could go on like this with everyone in my family, and those that I hold dear to my heart. I will miss the new friends I made throughout my time at school, college and university (both under and post- grad). I will miss my annoying but amusing colleagues from work. I definitely will not miss the early phonecalls asking to come in asap or the phonecalls at night changing shifts. But my time there has been wonderful.

There are people at work who I will miss more then some (sorry) but that's due to the time spent with each individual. There will be one person I will definitely miss. Their ability to make me laugh when I'm annoyed, their acceptance of my bitchy nature or my attitude when I'm on coffee or had no sleep.

It is crazy how many people enter and leave your life all the time, but the memories created along the way will serve me a lifetime of happiness.

Am I ready to go out in to the world alone? - no, but I will do my darn hardest to make the most of what life has given me. 

Emigrating: 2 Months to go

In response to my leaving, I have decided to spend the rest of my random blogging days talking about my upcoming move. However, my mind is now determined to make me actually realise what I am about to do.The reason for my move is that I have accepted a teaching job in Madar International School teaching English (The actual subject - in the British Curriculum) to Grade 4 learners. The school looks amazing. So I have compiled a pro's and con's list to me emigrating 4165 miles across the world to Al Ain (yes I have told people it's Dubai, but that is the nearest city that people would know) in the UAE.

PRO'S:

• It will be a 'once in a lifetime' experience
• Get to live another culture
• Finally grow up and become independent
• Have a secure job
• All expenses paid for

 CON'S:

• Again 4165 miles away is a lot when I may need mummy or daddy
• I will have to leave my family behind
• Covering up all the time will be a pain (at first)
• I will be on my own in a foreign country
• I hate flying
• I hate injections

 That is all I can think of for the time being, I will add more when I can. However, no matter how long the con list might be, I will still move. The only fear I have is not passing the qualification check. It might sound silly to some as I will have a teaching degree, but knowing my luck I would have the wrong one.
 So for the next two months I will be gong through all the necessary checks, medical included. Hopefully I wont contract HIV/Aids or TB in the following months. That will definitely ruin my plans. It is now just a waiting game. Waiting for the contract to be signed, attested and then I shall be heading the airport to collect my tickets. Not long now. Maybe in another month I shall update my progress. I have packed some of my checked-luggage, and part of my hand-luggage. Just need to buy a few more things (including a suitcase) and I shall be sorted. Oh and I must definitely not forget the sun block...I'd hate to turn into a lobster straight away.

In the name of...

...love

To let someone go because you loved them and it seemed like the right thing to at the time, is just utter bullsh*t. In my defence, I do believe that I loved him but I never let him go because of that. I let him go because of silly insecurities that got too much. Silly thoughts that crept into my mind way too many times every day.

How is it possible to let a thought consume so much of my daily life is surely baffling. But it's not just this that has my life all in a tizz. January 9th, saw me break my foot after a night out. From then I went through the stages of anger, self-pity, stress, and depression; just in a total of four weeks. It was during this time that I finally had a grasp on my life, of what I actually wanted. The list is as follows:

1) A career. Yes surely that is a given but I actually want to teach. My placement at HMP Durham has been a real eye opener. To see those turn to crime because of their upbringing, or as a student told me "they never got the chance to go to school and stay there", was shocking. I left one lesson with a smile on my face as one had stated " I really enjoyed that lesson Miss, I felt like I learnt something". It made me feel proud, like I had accomplished something.

2) A family. Someday I want to settle down with my own boyfriend/partner/husband, with whatever children I am blessed with. Again, the near loss of my nana opened my eyes to how cruel life can be. One minute your on the road to recovery, just to take what seems like 10 steps back, towards death's door again. Hopefully, my nana will get better soon, and positive energy will be restored into the family. It feels like the full family is drained emotionally. Events like this do make you appreciate what you have, and that you can't take life for granted. Even if it is short, you have to live it.

3) My life. I want to live a life that is mine. Dreams and goals that are mine. But this also includes having a healthy life. I don't want to be really skinny again, that's not me. I just want to be happy and free. I suppose I will feel that way again once the stress of waiting on test results passes, and when my Nana is home again. I want to find happiness with someone. Someone who will let me have my insecurities, but will help me through them, instead of dismissing them like they are nothing. Someone to understand that I need a compromise, not me putting in all the effort to make something work.  Someone that understands I need my space.

I could write a conclusion to this post but its not necessary. I am what I am, and what I want I will achieve. Someday.

Part 2...

       Dream number 2 has left me a bit worried. A crush on a member of staff is not going to go well at all, especially when this member of staff is a new addition to the team. My dream was all smiles and tickles - quite literally! What type of guy grabs his co-worker into a hug and starts tickling her in front of customers, very unprofessional. Yet this made me realise nothing would ever happen since it would be very unprofessional indeed. As much as it makes me think, it still hurts especially when another co-worker quite openly state that she would love to be his new gf or something. You know when you get that feeling that your heart sinks into your stomach, yeah that's how I felt when I heard this piece of gossip.

      Oh I also have a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I've been short-listed for a place in Korea doing a TESL course but the problem is that the course starts in March, but my PC-ET course won't have finished in time. Do I waste £8,500 for a chance that I might never get again, but end up getting homesick. Or do I continue with this PC-ET and hope that I can somehow teach abroad at another time. I'm currently trying to persuade my course tutor that I can do both courses at the same time. Crazy idea I know. Lets just hope it works.

Sweet Dreams are Made of Sex and Music

At least you'll have nice thoughts of me
When I'm cheating on you in your dreams
I told you before, my closet's clean
And that these bones don't belong to me
-Playing the Blame Game by You Me at Six

So without further ado.....

Dream number 1

This one night I find myself reliving a staff night out and meeting this stranger across the dance floor. Now some of you may remember the events from a previous post about secrets being made, however the person in those secrets was not my mystery stranger. In fact, this person just happened to be my new crush, maybe it was because of the dream that he became my crush I am not sure but anyway back to the dream. So there I was mid dance with my colleagues from work when this stranger made his way towards me; exactly how a lion stalks his prey. His eyes pierced mine, silently hypnotising me. His hand slowly extended closer to mine, gripping tightly so I could never run. All of a sudden I was pulled into a hold that had me captive. I could not escape, not that I wanted to it seemed. The world around me disappeared, it was just me and my beautiful predator. His hold of me felt tighter and tighter, no space between us. The next thing I knew I was laying on my back, on a soft cloud with him above me. With his hand softly stroking my cheek, he whispered words of velvet seduction. His gaze caressed my body, making me feel like I was covered in silk.....
And that's were I'm leaving it, as I am not particularly into writing public x-rated words. I think that you know what happens next. Oh and a side note, my crush is not a stranger, but a beautiful and condescending prick. 

Closure

Today's post is a letter to someone who I know will most definitely read this. However if they don't its fine. It's more of a letter of closure. A way to forget the past.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
by Unknown

I'm not sorry for loving you, but I am sorry for not loving you enough to try and make it work. It's hard for me to make things work when you label the relationship. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you to your face its over, but I'm not sorry for leaving you. There is no point in writing harsh words, or airing dirty secrets; but I have no choice to say what I have to. I can't invest in making time for something that has been on and off for three years. If it never worked then, we should have walked away from each other years ago. For the sake of my heart its why I'm walking away now.  You deserve to be happy, with someone who loves you the right way. So maybe I'll see you around one day and I'll say hi, but for now you are no longer going to be running through my head. It's time for me to focus on my life and not the what-ifs that you come with.

Im sorry