Here I Go Again....

So tonight, it appears as though my brain is on overdrive again. Why doesn't it have a button to switch off - almost like a no thinking mode? That would be handy right now. It almost feels like I have done a 360 on my emotions since my last post, either that or I am so overworked right now that my body can't keep up. I don't feel as though my depression is coming back - that itself is pretty amazing. I just feel meh.

There are many possible reasons to my 'meh' mood. The first being that I am definitely overworked, overstressed and quite simply, exhausted. Work right now is hectic. The school has the all important inspection right now, so everyone is running around like a headless chicken. To be honest, I would be fine if certain things were done the way it was supposed to be done the first time round, but no. I can't go into detail on here, but I can't wait till 2.30pm on Thursday.

The second reason is because I am pmsing. Information overshare, more than likely so I shall not delve into anymore details. But yes my mood is everywhere.

The third is probably due to homesickness. Well not really homesickness; Hartlepool hasn't been my home for 4 nd a bit years now. I'm more likely to be peoplesick I guess. Missing a lot of people is more of my thing. Missing my family, friends and my sunshine. My niece has started Year 1 and I am missing out on all of the wonderful things that she is learning. I am missing out on her growing into an awesome little person. 6 years old and she is taking on the world. I am so proud of her.

Speaking of people, one thing that did cheer me up was my ability to spend money (though my spending habits are also keeping me awake at night). This was for a good reason though - Christmas time! Nothing like a holiday pick-me-up.  I managed to stop spending money on Lillie-  who by the way has been spoiled even more this year, and I also managed to stop spending on Darren. I do get carried away a little to easy, but I love the feeling you get when they open up presents. I have my parent's gift sorted out technically, just My brother and his girlfriend to get then I am done. It does feel rather weird as this year will be the first year I will not be visiting my Grandparents. Quite a somber moment, but it does mean I get to hang around in my pjyamas all day. Sounds terrible but I have to make a joke otherwise I shall end up crying - that is easy to do right now.

There we have it, my brain working on overtime, but there is nothing I can do about it. I do wish that I could stop worrying about every little thing, stop the anxiety from appearing. Unfortunately, that will never change.

Let's hope for a better (slightly less crazy) day tomorrow.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, not likely but who knows.

Shining through the Clouds.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.

My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do.  Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself. 

At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE.  That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine. 

I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary. 

It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me. 

Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!

Now to find someone to share my sunshine with. 

Melissa

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong! 

Pro's (of going home):

1. My family

2. Further my career

3. I'm single

4. I have done all I can in this country

5.  I'm alone

 Con's (of going home):

1. Back to the real world

2. Bills, Rent, Tax

3. Lower pay

4. I'm Single

5. I have no money saved

6. I'm alone

It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay. 

I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help. 

x

Give Me a Time Frame.

It's amazing how one little thing can totally change your outlook on life. Whether it's that person you smile to on the way to work, the little cuss word that you weren't supposed to say or something negative that you weren't expecting. Last week was full of little happenings that turned into a chain of catastrophic events. Well, catastrophic maybe too harsh but turbulent was definitely the case.

I don't wish to delve into the gory details of my life, but it has changed the way I process my life right now. My emotions are at a PMS level times 1000 which isn't really great for the people I work with. I wish I could tone it down a bit, but my brain isn't good at playing catch up.

For something so draining to happen has changed the way I view myself;  invincible to the things that could go wrong, I envy those that can hold a conversation without being overly emotional. I envy those that can say their life is complete. Mine never will be.

One change in my body has had the worst consequences possible. Finding out you lost something you never thought you could have in the beginning was a low blow to being who I am. I knew things would be hard but no-one really knows how hard until you have to go through it yourself. That's what pisses me off the most. Excuse the profanity but 'it happens for a reason' aint gonna fix my problem. It's not a valid reason. Tell me why it happened then maybe I could accept that excuse, but until then, stop saying it. why give me something just to have it taken away. Yes life would have been difficult afterwards but I would dealt the hand I was given. Now that hand will never be given again, and sure, life never gives the same situation, it has it's slight variation. Yet, I'm pretty certain my variation will never happen; my body cannot adapt to it's new environment.

 And yes, I will be using the excuse I am emotionally unstable right now, cause I am. I will be until my hormones can get back to their normal levels. If there was a handbook on that time frame I would have let you know but until then, suck it up buttercup. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, we just have deal and get through the pain, even if that means having to put up with me being happy one minute then angry the next.

Give me a time frame please. 

The Family

Do you ever get that feeling like you don't belong, the sense of dis-connection to the people around you? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it never seems to be enough? I'm not saying that I don't belong anywhere or anything, but a lot of what-if questions have been constantly floating around my brain and today's actions made them surface.

I'm always wondering what-if in regards to my own life. Did I make the right choice? Did I have to leave the country? What-if I never left home, would everything be the same in terms of relationships with my family? What-if me being here has caused a bigger strain on the bonds?

I could argue back and forth all night but it wouldn't get me any wore, if anything, it would drive me even crazier than I already am.

I'm happy with the decisions I have made so far, I feel like I belong in this part of the world. I may not have a close circle of friends, but I have always been a loner. I may not always be happy with certain situations,but I make the best out of them. No what is getting to me is the things |I've left behind to get to this point. My parents, my brother, my niece, friends and other members of my family. All they seem to do is  serve as a reminder to the things I am missing out on, inside jokes are left unexplained, being told not to say anything about family drama. So many things are pushing me further and further away from the life I once had. Conversations are strained, one-sided, I put on a happy face because they don't want to deal with any other emotion as it leads to the simple phrase "well come home then". Life is moving on with out me and I have no place in it any more. My life is here, on my own.

Somethings have been described as me over-reacting, things like my niece not wanting to talk to me (lets face it I am a stranger in her life now), pushing every month for my parents to visit ( which is me reminding them constantly because otherwise it will never happen - "lets wait until your settled" is always around the corner). Even upcoming visits home are deemed not important. Yes jokes are made about me not actually having a room to stay in because it belongs to the family dog, comments about having to get a taxi home from the airport because no-one wants to get out of their way to pick me up. things like make me feel like a chore rather than a daughter or a sister. I didn't go home at Christmas for the same reason, surprises would have turned into "now I'll have to go buy more things for us to eat, I'll have to find you something for a present" etc.

Is it punishment for actually doing something with my life, instead of being stuck in the same town I was born in and not being on drugs or living on the dole like the rest of my family?

Who knows. I feel myself pulling further away from, as a result. I'll just be the quick skype call once in a blue moon to remind them I do exist.


PS. I am happy. I am settled in my own life. I am healthy mentally and physically. Just expressing my emotions in this blog since discussing with my family will just end in "shape up, get over it..." sort of comments.

Break-Down or Panic?

I was choking, asphyxiated by the blackness of the room. I was paralysed by the fear and I had no idea why.Next thing, tears were falling down my face. Had I reached my breaking point? Had the stress of the past few years and the fear of the unknown finally got to me? Or was it something different?

Let's start at the beginning, and find the way forward. Sleep hasn't been easy for the past week. The stormy weather had me on edge. The floods were not the scariest, it was the thunder, the lightning, the loneliness. I had to not freak out, I had to be strong for the children around me at the time. Yet soon as I was alone, I screamed. I cried. I panicked. I honestly thought it was the end.

That was 5 days ago. Now I can't sleep, for an unknown reason. My light stays on as a source of comfort, because the darkness freaks me out. I close my eyes, I see flashes of light. I open them and I'm paranoid of the shadows in my room. I even checked under the small gap in my bed. I've checked the closets, even the ones I have to reach by standing on a chair. All doors stay shut so I know if someone or something has been. Even cleaning my floordrobe hasn't helped. In fact it's made it worse. The little sleep I do get, it spoiled by the creakiness of my bed, or the constant tossing and turning. The constant fear of something going on while my eyes are closed.
Somehow, even through all of this, I still try to smile at work. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm breaking inside. I want to be happy and fun. I don't want to be the serious one. I don't want them to think its all attention seeking like "friends" have said in the past. I don't want them to know the ins and outs of my insanity.  They have already been dealt a crappy hand with my panic attacks over thunder.

I'm not sure if I'm breaking or just panicking. Maybe its just the lack of sleep that's driving me over the edge.  I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and feel happy on the inside.

The Illness

“No disease suffered by a live man can be known, for every living person has his own peculiarities and always has his own peculiar, personal, novel, complicated disease, unknown to medicine -- not a disease of the lungs, liver, skin, heart, nerves, and so on mentioned in medical books, but a disease consisting of one of the innumerable combinations of the maladies of those organs."
                                                                    Lee Tolstoy

Every day is an ongoing battle with different problems to overcome. An individual’s ailment will be different from the next; mental, physical and so on. Her battle was supposed to disappear, to be hidden from the world but as luck would have it, the world knew within moments. Strangers would stop and ask how she was and she would respond the same each time – “I’m ok. Still alive”. Not many found that as humorous as she did. Humor was all she had. Without it she would fall deep underground into a world of sadness.

What is her illness you may be asking yourself right now. Well it is hard to explain. How do you possibly tell someone that you are ill but your are not sure what is wrong? There is something wrong, the doctors, some, and her closest friends know something is amiss. Others gossip about ‘sympathy’ and ‘attention seeking’. Most doctors mutter the word  neurological,  perhaps cerebral without offering a reason to help understand. All she knows is that a stroke like episode happened and has turned her world upside down.
Body numbness, loss of motor control, tingling, tiredness, stress, the list is endless. The suggested diagnoses are not much help either: cerebral vascular accident, multiple sclerosis, dyspepsia, presentation confusion and so on.

With no sign of a correct diagnosis all she can do is pray she lives to see another day.

Six month catch-up with MJR

So what is going on in the life of MJR. To be honest, absolutely nothing. Tumble-weed. Actually, tumble-weed probably has more of a life than I do lately. Let's get back to were I last left off - the honeymoon phase. Well that part didn't last long at all as it was over by October, and depression soon reared its' sad ugly head. Nothing really happened during October-December, just drinking and working. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything. However, during my two week vacation, I visited home and it soon made me realise that life in Al Ain wasn't that bad.  I didn't seem to fit in at home, and the atmosphere was terrible. It was nice seeing my family though, even if I did spend most of the time fighting with my parents or sleeping. Since my return to the UAE, I haven't really thought that much about home. Work has kept me on my toes. 12 weeks without a break has finally taken its toll on me. Work consumes five days of my week, and the last two are used for playing the sleep catch-up game. Nothing productive ever happens on Fridays and Saturdays. Work, eat, sleep. Three words that sum up my life quite perfectly. Thankfully, there are only two weeks left and then its vacation time. A much needed vacation time.

Well so far I have climbed a mountain - albeit in a car. The view was amazing, seeing the whole of Al Ain was a spectacular vision. I also attended the first game in the new Al Ain stadium. I hate football but it was a good day out even if I was hungover. The school also allowed us to attend the Red Bull AirRace in Abu Dhabi. Again I hate planes...but the whole twisting and turning and the aerobatic show afterwards was immense.

It's hard to believe that 6months has gone by, and only 4 months till I can visit the UK again. I can't wait to get a decent social life. My personal life here is quite abysmal. Lent has made it quite hard to enjoy the past 10 days as well. No fast food, no chocolate, no alcohol, no pleasures. However, I did cheat - I accidentally ate chocolate courtesy to Sheenal's cake-in-a-cup. It was only due to the fact that I was amazed that a cake could be made in a cup in just 90 seconds. It tasted so delicious. Luckily, the no alcohol rule is still standing. I have been placed in temptations way quite a lot.

Speaking of temptations, the reason why I have used MJR in my post is because of a new nickname that I have acquired during my time here. I normally hate nicknames but this one I kind of like. Obviously it's my initials, but it's simple. Maybe I only liked it because of the person who gave me it. When he says MJR, it's like velvet rolling of his tongue. He is a bass player in the local bar I attend - yeah I seem to attract the bassists - but he's rather sweet when he wants to be. His cute ass has also gotten me in to trouble a few times too. Crazy bitches following him around have expressed their distaste in me knowing him; hey that's another story that could take forever to type up. Anyways enough about him and more about my vacation.

So two weeks and two days off will finally give me a chance to see Dubai. That's right. I have lived here for 6 months and all I have seen is Dubai airport and Abu Dhabi beach. I will be venturing out by myself as the others will be on their holidays in other countries. I don't mind going alone, but some company would be nice. So I've planned for Dubai, Abu Dhabi and maybe Oman if I can fit it in to my budget. Who knows.

Well this is all I can be bothered to type at the moment. I'm sure those that read this have me on social network sites can catch-up with me on there.

15.10.13

It has been roughly one month and a half since I arrived in Al Ain, and my life has done a complete 360 multiple of times. So lets begin where I left off in my last post which happened to be the first night in my new home. Well what happened after that was simply more than your average emotional roller-coaster.

I decided to a bit of shopping whilst I waited for a fellow UK-er to arrive. This was to be my first grocery trip and what an experience it was. I had no idea what to buy except from water, milk and bread. Do I buy frozen food? But if I do how will I cook it with no actual oven in my room? Do I try and keep away from chocolates and buy fruit instead? Questions were running through my head million miles a second. Though one question was the most important of all...how the heck do I get to the shopping centre? Luckily the accommodation managers had left a get-started kit which included maps to all of the local shops. I decided to take the most uncommon mode of transport someone in the UAE would use to get there - by foot. It was rare for anyone to walk anywhere never mind a female on her own; and I wasn't surprised as to why. The traffic was horrendous and everyone stared at you like you had grown an extra set of arms and legs and had five eyes. Everyone who walked had an immediate neon sign pointing to them saying "look at me I'm walking. Please beep your horn at me and shout random words at me".

I finally managed to make it to Jimi Mall, Al Ain, and I felt at piece. I must have spent roughly about 3 hours in the supermarket itself.

I don't want to be talking about what I did ever second of everyday as have just I realised how much space talking about the supermarket trip had actually taken up. So I will move quickly on to the beginning of the first day at School.

Well the first week was simply a CPD week where I felt like I was actually back at school. You found out who were the nicest people, the ones who liked the sound of their voices and the ones you had to avoid. I had it figured out after about the first day. The second week came and the school had decided to push back the starting date for the children, which for me was a good thing. I wasn't totally ready to teach. Yet after the second week of no children I was getting more anxious as the seconds ticked by. I had a full two weeks of lessons prepared.

Finally the day arrived and I was not expecting the day to go the way it day - or the following weeks for that matter either. Now I do not want to put the exact details about what happened during the days at the school in case this gets into the wrong hands, but lets just say structure, communication, organisation and safety are not the strongest points. One can certainly say there is a lot of spirit there though.

Through all the tears and the tantrums (and that's just from me), I can safely say that some of  the children are starting to understand that I am not going anywhere and I will not give up on them - which is what looks like happened to the majority of them last year. 

I will end this post on a high note. Though my personal life has hit an all time low, some of my children know how to put a smile on my face. With all the stickers, little messages on scrap pieces of paper and  the on bouquet of flowers I received, these children have a lot of happiness in them and I will do whatever it takes to let them shine and grow in wonderful people.

It's only the beginning

You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning

So this is it. The wait has dwindled down from three months to just three days. Three more sunrises and it will be time. Time to start my new beginning. A new life in a new city, a new country, a new continent. But where did this all begin? 

A year ago I decided to put all my career options into a hat and let the fates decide my path. The options ranged from being an editor to a teacher. The latter became the answer. After submitting a personal statement and going through all the difficulties of UCAS once again, deciding which universities to apply for and what aspect of teaching I wanted to do, I received an unconditional offer from the University of Teesside. Of course I had to attend an interview, which wasn't all that stressful, but I accepted the offer. It seemed almost too perfect. A few months later I was opening my letter saying that I had been given a place on the PGCE PC/ET course starting in September 2012. This was it. The start of a new career path.

It was here that I found that it was too good to be true. Not in the sense that it was a scam or anything negative, but my bad luck decided to rear its' ugly head. It took until December for my placement to be sorted out, others had been sorted months before hand. So after countless security checks I was finally ready to start putting what I had learned so far into practice. However January 9th saw another setback to my teacher training. A last minute decision to celebrate my new placement happened to include an emergency trip to the a&e. It turned out I had broken my foot. This caused another six week delay to reaching my 100 hour target.

Yet after all this I didn't give up. I had to keep my spirits up and achieve something. And I did. 102.4 hours later I had finally reached the target. I completed all the assignments and everything else that was asked of me. Though there was one more thing I had to do - find a job. So I applied to a local teaching agency ready to start work as a supply teacher. One day fate decided to step in and through me in a different direction. Overseas Teaching.

This was not something I considered at all. Yes, I had fantasies of living in Australia or somewhere in America; but they were only fantasies. A particular agency in the UK was advertising a range of positions across the globe, and suddenly I found my fingers clicking away on the laptop applying for the advertised roles. Qatar, Kuwait, Egypt, UAE. It would be the UAE that would change my life. For better or worse, I cannot say. After all the interviews, communication breakdowns and endless researching, I finally became a English teacher to Grade 3 and Grade 4 pupils attending a private school in Al Ain, UAE.

This is my beginning. I finally enter my new life on Thursday 29th August 2013. It will be here where I will post my ups and downs, my adventures, my mishaps.

For 'twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart.

'Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul
                                                                -Judy Garland


So today has included a mixture of feelings: love, lust, hate and fear. So where to begin? This post will only focus on love and lust as the other two emotions are too raw to write about now.

Love:

Well, to be honest, love is a strong word that I shouldn't be using right now. I would say its more confusing than anything else. Dreams do crazy things to ones head. They make you think of things that you would never have thought of before. I was perfectly fine before I started dreaming. Perhaps I'm only attracted to the person in my dreams and not the person in reality. Whatever it is, it will not go away. Every night consists of the same dream. Right down to the nitty gritty details. This does lead us on to the next emotion - lust. Here, I will simply re-post a poem that sums it all up

Lust:

The gazing of ocean blue against earthly brown,

Velvet whispers, lips he does caress.

A soft embrace, his hand ascends towards her crown.

Brush of her hair, a sweetly placed kiss,

Heart against heart, soul against soul, one they become.

He soaks in his wonderful beauty.

Actions of love envelop her unclothed bosom,

A swift taste of her fresh honey.

One look up at the angel; she begs for mercy,

The promise of his love forever.

Succumbing to his advance, she gives him the key.

They key to her heart and her forever.

The feeling of both bodies, the sound of heaven –

The melody of peace, joy and love.

The perfect fit for her cherished garden,

The perfect fit of his heightened touch.

Collapsing back to earth, the lovers revel in each other’s sight

Each other’s wings of security

He sends his spoken truth to his mate, gives their love the gift of flight

To soar higher than other love for all eternity.

One month to go...

It really amazes me how each day has the same amount of seconds, minutes and hours, yet they pass by quicker than the last. It only felt like a few days ago when I received an email containing an
'acceptance of the offer' letter. In fact I signed the form little over a month ago. It seems that life is going so fast that my mind cannot comprehend what is happening.

There is one thing that keeps me up awake, making the night last longer; and that is all the people I will miss.

1) My mum - I will miss the 10am wake up call that she manages to give me every morning. I will miss the annoying 'just checking your still alive' phone calls. I will miss the snarky and bitchy comments we make at each other when one of us is clearly not in the mood. Yet most of all I will miss her warmth and love that a mother gives her child.
2) My dad - I don't really see him that much due to him working away all the time but I will miss the comments he gives when we do unite... (so you're a dumb blonde now...by your putting on the weight and so on). I will miss the arguments were one of us has to be right no matter what. I will definitely miss getting my random hugs from him when I'm feeling down, lonely, or even just bored.
3) My brother - He may have his own family now, and his own house, but I will miss the random phone calls, his way of conning lifts from me, and all the dead arms I receive when trying to beat him up.  I know Jacqueline and Lillie will keep him occupied.
4) My niece -I will miss the way she says 'missa'. I will miss all of her little attitudes she has. I will miss her hugs and kisses and the way she wakes me up in the morning. I will miss her little laugh and her demanding ways.

I could go on like this with everyone in my family, and those that I hold dear to my heart. I will miss the new friends I made throughout my time at school, college and university (both under and post- grad). I will miss my annoying but amusing colleagues from work. I definitely will not miss the early phonecalls asking to come in asap or the phonecalls at night changing shifts. But my time there has been wonderful.

There are people at work who I will miss more then some (sorry) but that's due to the time spent with each individual. There will be one person I will definitely miss. Their ability to make me laugh when I'm annoyed, their acceptance of my bitchy nature or my attitude when I'm on coffee or had no sleep.

It is crazy how many people enter and leave your life all the time, but the memories created along the way will serve me a lifetime of happiness.

Am I ready to go out in to the world alone? - no, but I will do my darn hardest to make the most of what life has given me. 

Emigrating: 2 Months to go

In response to my leaving, I have decided to spend the rest of my random blogging days talking about my upcoming move. However, my mind is now determined to make me actually realise what I am about to do.The reason for my move is that I have accepted a teaching job in Madar International School teaching English (The actual subject - in the British Curriculum) to Grade 4 learners. The school looks amazing. So I have compiled a pro's and con's list to me emigrating 4165 miles across the world to Al Ain (yes I have told people it's Dubai, but that is the nearest city that people would know) in the UAE.

PRO'S:

• It will be a 'once in a lifetime' experience
• Get to live another culture
• Finally grow up and become independent
• Have a secure job
• All expenses paid for

 CON'S:

• Again 4165 miles away is a lot when I may need mummy or daddy
• I will have to leave my family behind
• Covering up all the time will be a pain (at first)
• I will be on my own in a foreign country
• I hate flying
• I hate injections

 That is all I can think of for the time being, I will add more when I can. However, no matter how long the con list might be, I will still move. The only fear I have is not passing the qualification check. It might sound silly to some as I will have a teaching degree, but knowing my luck I would have the wrong one.
 So for the next two months I will be gong through all the necessary checks, medical included. Hopefully I wont contract HIV/Aids or TB in the following months. That will definitely ruin my plans. It is now just a waiting game. Waiting for the contract to be signed, attested and then I shall be heading the airport to collect my tickets. Not long now. Maybe in another month I shall update my progress. I have packed some of my checked-luggage, and part of my hand-luggage. Just need to buy a few more things (including a suitcase) and I shall be sorted. Oh and I must definitely not forget the sun block...I'd hate to turn into a lobster straight away.

In the name of...

...love

To let someone go because you loved them and it seemed like the right thing to at the time, is just utter bullsh*t. In my defence, I do believe that I loved him but I never let him go because of that. I let him go because of silly insecurities that got too much. Silly thoughts that crept into my mind way too many times every day.

How is it possible to let a thought consume so much of my daily life is surely baffling. But it's not just this that has my life all in a tizz. January 9th, saw me break my foot after a night out. From then I went through the stages of anger, self-pity, stress, and depression; just in a total of four weeks. It was during this time that I finally had a grasp on my life, of what I actually wanted. The list is as follows:

1) A career. Yes surely that is a given but I actually want to teach. My placement at HMP Durham has been a real eye opener. To see those turn to crime because of their upbringing, or as a student told me "they never got the chance to go to school and stay there", was shocking. I left one lesson with a smile on my face as one had stated " I really enjoyed that lesson Miss, I felt like I learnt something". It made me feel proud, like I had accomplished something.

2) A family. Someday I want to settle down with my own boyfriend/partner/husband, with whatever children I am blessed with. Again, the near loss of my nana opened my eyes to how cruel life can be. One minute your on the road to recovery, just to take what seems like 10 steps back, towards death's door again. Hopefully, my nana will get better soon, and positive energy will be restored into the family. It feels like the full family is drained emotionally. Events like this do make you appreciate what you have, and that you can't take life for granted. Even if it is short, you have to live it.

3) My life. I want to live a life that is mine. Dreams and goals that are mine. But this also includes having a healthy life. I don't want to be really skinny again, that's not me. I just want to be happy and free. I suppose I will feel that way again once the stress of waiting on test results passes, and when my Nana is home again. I want to find happiness with someone. Someone who will let me have my insecurities, but will help me through them, instead of dismissing them like they are nothing. Someone to understand that I need a compromise, not me putting in all the effort to make something work.  Someone that understands I need my space.

I could write a conclusion to this post but its not necessary. I am what I am, and what I want I will achieve. Someday.

Another Little Quiz

1. What is your best friend's name? Emma

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I have one randomly on my palm.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? oooo this is a toughy, probably Mr Thompson, one of my old Chemistry teachers, or perhaps Mr Brown, an old Maths teacher.

4. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie :)

5. Have you ever been tied up? Do you want to be? I've been tied up once, and I would like to do it again sometime ;)

6. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I drive around the block, or look for another space

7. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? My lovely crush

8. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Yeah I have, quite a few in fact!

9. What was your childhood nickname? Fire, Moo-shake, Milly Molly Mandy, I had a few

10. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I changed my shoes once

11. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold

12. Do you have any strange phobias? Spiders, Blood, Thunder, Lightning

13. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Too many things to write down

14. Have you ever been drunk at work? Plenty of times.

15. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Once or twice.

Maybe This Time..

I know I say this every week at least once, but this time I have promised myself to continue with my goal.  Apparently it's bad luck to start a diet on a Monday, though I do not know the reason for that. So in light of this, I am starting mine on a Tuesday. However, I am not going to diet as such, but cut down on the amount of food I eat. I eat when I'm bored, emotional, tired, or whenever really; which is ironic cause its making me depressed when I can't fit into my favourite pair of jeans. I am going to keep track of my calorie intake to a suitable level. I even have an app on my phone to help me along the way. Since the average intake for women is round about 2000, I am going to cut mine to 1400, as well as increasing my amount of exercise.

But it is not just my lifestyle that I am going to change, I am also changing my attitude. After speaking to a friend, I have found out that I am quite an intimidating, stuck up bitch - yet this does not seem to be me at all. So as from tomorrow Miss Melissa Rose is going to change, hopefully, and maybe it will be for the better and not for the worst.

Analyse that Raunchy Dream

So I'm going to give a shot at analysing my dream just because I'm sick of dreaming about this guy. Here's the dream:

There's me and this  member of staff from one of my jobs, lets call him Bill. See I sort of like Bill but it is a well know fact that me and Bill will not work out. I start having this same dream about Bill, we are at work when I randomly start calling him abusive names. Then all of a sudden Bill grabs me at the waist and starts to tickle me, confusing much? But that's not it, the dream takes a sudden turn and we end up practically doing it at work. Yet we appear to be invisible to others, as customers and other members of staff just walk right past us. I mean the sex is just pure lust, however he is very attentitive and loveable, almost showing me a side of him that I never see at work.

And here is the analysis:

Chances are this dream is as simple as a good-old fashioned attraction to your boss. Yes, you most likely want to have sex with him. And whether or not you make this dream a reality is up to you and your boss. Although I would advise exercising extreme caution before proceeding ahead with any kind of involvement with him (for all of the obvious reasons).
All real logistics aside, in the case of sex dreams, I would ask, “Why are you having sex with this person specifically and what might they represent?” Sometimes in dreams we are getting it on with someone we find sexy in real life, but oftentimes it’s with someone we are not attracted to in the least. Sex is a merger of bodies and identities. So what qualities about your boss might you want to inhabit more in your own life and career? Power? Success? Leadership? For example, I had a friend who was complaining about a particularly repulsive string of sex dreams about her boss, who she hates. After exploring the dreams some more, she realized that the dreams were really about how the two of them had opposite work styles that complemented each other. Once she got passed disliking him so much, she realized that they made a good team and was, of course, totally relieved when the sex dreams stopped.
The frequency and intensity of these dreams indicate that they may also be a commentary about how passion, drive, and desire manifest themselves in your life. I don’t know what you do for a living or how fulfilled you feel by it, but the fact that you are having reoccurring dreams about having sex with your boss makes me think you have an extreme attitude about work. Either you feel “orgasmic” about it or you wish you did. And how does your work life compare to your home life? Is it equally fulfilling? How are they unbalanced?
A word of advice: If you can see past your actual sexual desire for your boss to the essence of your attraction to him, there will be a valuable message waiting for you.



So hopefully these sex dreams will disappear if I look past the sex part right? Let's fricking hope so!

Part 2...

       Dream number 2 has left me a bit worried. A crush on a member of staff is not going to go well at all, especially when this member of staff is a new addition to the team. My dream was all smiles and tickles - quite literally! What type of guy grabs his co-worker into a hug and starts tickling her in front of customers, very unprofessional. Yet this made me realise nothing would ever happen since it would be very unprofessional indeed. As much as it makes me think, it still hurts especially when another co-worker quite openly state that she would love to be his new gf or something. You know when you get that feeling that your heart sinks into your stomach, yeah that's how I felt when I heard this piece of gossip.

      Oh I also have a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I've been short-listed for a place in Korea doing a TESL course but the problem is that the course starts in March, but my PC-ET course won't have finished in time. Do I waste £8,500 for a chance that I might never get again, but end up getting homesick. Or do I continue with this PC-ET and hope that I can somehow teach abroad at another time. I'm currently trying to persuade my course tutor that I can do both courses at the same time. Crazy idea I know. Lets just hope it works.

Just One Huge Rant

I give up. I really do.

Today I realised I have blogged much these past few months and I've celebrated with this complaint. What the heck am I doing with my life? I seem to be living my life with other people's expectations. They want me to be this, that, or the other not taking into consideration what I want. I want to be a prison tutor, but no, apparrently I'm too weak or too much of a pushover to even succeed. Either that or I'm more likely to sleep with one of my students. Great judgement of my life. Why do people need to feel like they have to judge me, or mock what I want to do? Is their life that boring that they feel the need to belittle mine? That, I do not have the answer to.

Another point I'd like to make is my love life. This is were I get a little hypocritical. I expect my love to trust and respect me but I can't seem to trust him. Well not so much him, but others around. Low self esteem and confidence issues have taken control (well thats one excuse thats highly used), the other reason is I know how the majority of skanks work. How can I say to someone I love, yes love, that I don't like him having a life outside of me when there is a lot of temptation around? Oh I hate the label boyfriend and girlfriend too. Just so tacky and overused. Once labels have been placed people expect you to act a certain way, compromise, and basically give up your life to be with that person. Believe me I've seen it happen. You get caught up in a bubble and once an outsider worms their way in, everything changes. Why others feel the need to invade a bubble of which is not theirs I have no idea. Again it all comes down to expectations.

People expect me to be able to read minds, to be perfectly happy all the time, to be normal. Well I'm afraid the more expectations you have of me, the more it those expectations will be thrown out of the window or down a drain somewhere.
Oh and a final thing, why do people constantly make plans with me when they know they are going to make up some bullshit excuse and cancel!

Love from an angry person

You see there's no real ending....

.... It's only the beginning

I sometimes think that this world is too real and fixed on the proper. What is to say that what is right is wrong, and what is wrong is right. What happens if the "mad" people are actually the sane ones in the world, and the sane are actually mentally unstable. Society today shows us what is deemed improper. I am not justifying certain mental states here, such as those who kill or cause any harm to others, but the types that use such an enormous part of the brain; creating worlds of their own. Such usage of the brain is liberating and imaginitave. Certain mental illnesses are not what they seem.

Take a look in the mirror. You have a choice. To look at yourself and see what rules and conditions who have been brought up with. Look at how you choose paths in life. The "right" paths. The ones that are deemed socially correct. See how your every day language changes when more rules are placed upon you. See how your mind is only capable of being creative to an extent that doesnt push boundaries. You dress how you are expected to dress. You speak your mind when it is acceptable, but you edit. That is what the world is - an edited version of what it should be.

Now this is where an option appears.

Do you continue to follow the norms as you have done since growing up, or do you take another path? One that is "wrong". One that is socially and politically improper. Do you choose how you use your mind? Do you speak freely no matter the consequence; to speak the truth? Do you dress how you want to against social norms. Do you dream of your own world and see it in the real one?

The mirror is a gateway to your life. It shows you exactly who you are. The imperfections, the "perfections". It provides a second conscience. One can certainly add make-up to hide away dreams and fantasies. Or it can create an outlet to who you really are. The one who pushes the limits. The one who isnt afraid to stand out from the norm.

For me, I am one of those who hides behind the mirror. I only show what people need to see but in honesty. I dream of a world were nothing is real. Everything is not what it should be. I want to see what my creative world would be in reality, where people are not restricted to gender roles, or ruled by the stigma of madness.  

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
 That is according to Einstein. So who is to say that someone is insane when they really arent. We all dream every day, every night expecting a different outcome; is that insane? No. It's what life is all about.

What would it be like to live in a world, where no one was deemed mad, insane, or crazy? Were no-one judges you for the weird things you say, do, wear. To live in a world were I am restricted in my ability to dream, to create, to believe is the correct definition of insane.