The career

“Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now that's  how I feel.  I don't want to work. I don't  want to be tied in a position that I will have to live in for the rest of my life.  I don't  want to be backed into a corner, explaining all my decisions to someone in a higher positon. To someone who doesn't  see me at my best, only my worst.

This past week has had me all distracted. I recently got a promotion at work and now it's  left me all dazed. I am no longer in my zone; I don't  have the energy to teach anymore. There's no laughter in my voice. Every little thing a child does angers or upsets me. Other teachers have noticed this too. No appetite, loss of weight, clumsiness and being unaware of objects/people around me. Many thought it was because of a boy. I did too. That was until I saw my new job description lying on my apartment floor. Performance  will be reviewed. That was it. It was those words that send my mind into a whirlwind of panic. No not panic, more like numbness.

I keep thinking to myself, I am too  young for this. 2 years teaching experience is not enough to lead a team. How can anyone take me serious? How can I support a group of teachers if I can barely support myself?

Apparently I can, as I am constantly  reminded. You wouldn't  have this opportunity if you couldn't  do it. Actually  I realised the reason why I have this position; it's not because I can help others around me, lead and inspire, but because I helped complete a few administrative tasks - something anybody could do. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. There are other teachers better suited for the position and I am constantly reminded of that when I see their face, the change in atmosphere when I enter the room or even the comments to the line manager.

It's  unfair of me to be ungrateful for this role and I simply must give it time, people time to adjust,  and time for me to realise how I can handle this.

The question is: how much time?

That Girl

That girl you see at the bar isn't always drunk, just lacking in confidence. She isn't intimidating,  just shy. She isn't quiet, just unsure of how to talk to people. She prefers to listen and admire the people around her.  When she does talk, please don't mistake it as flirting as many people do.  She doesn't flirt, she just smiles with her eyes. She sits alone writing, she isn't a weirdo. She does her own thing regardless of what others think. That doesn't mean she is snobby and thinks you are beneath her, she likes being in her own bubble.

That girl doesn't like it when you accuse her of being ignorant. Nine time out of ten you are annoyingly creepy and stating the obvious. Yes she is writing in a bar, yes she is alone. She prefers to stay away from your kind, the kind that makes her stomach roll. She has a reason to ignore your advances. You don't understand being told 'no' for the umpteenth time. You insult her speech, her fashion style. That girl has her eyes set on someone else.


That guy. The guy who appears to be a walking cliche; his smile lights up the room, his eyes sparkling with mischief with a hint of playfulness. His hold makes you feel protected. His touch makes you feel warm inside. An accent that rivals the stereotypical Irish charm. An international crush. Almost perfect. That guy happens to be someone untouchable, out of her league, her friend's crush as it seems too. one could guess it's due to his ability to charm ant woman he comes across.

For now that girl will dream instead.

My choices

So after a down-the-drain interview that never happened, partly due to the school, my choices that led me there haven't been the best according to some. Apparently my life is to be lived by other people and not me, though I am pretty sure it is me doing the actual walking.

Take my desicison to apply for a new job as an example; most responses were of the following nature "that's great" or "good, see the world. You are too young to settle". Now that was nice to hear,  however, once they learn of where I want to work,it's a whole other story for instance take my job opportunity in Kuwait, the following reasons for me not to work there were due to the fact there is no alcohol.  No alcohol.  That's right. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Kuwait to teach, and not to be a party animal. The second reason was that it's very close to Saudi Arabia.  Now I know my geography isn't particularly great, but I'm certain that the UAE borders Saudi too. Pitiful excuses. It seems as though where ever I go to work no one shall be happy. It is my life. If I want to work in Saudi I will, if I want to visit Afghanistan I will. It is of my choice, not yours. I can tell you one hang for definite though - it shall be a long long time before I live back in the UK again.

Sparks of a Thought

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde


Life is a funny thing. We spend all our time trying to survive in the world that we forget how to really live. Not the 'breathe, eat, sleep, repeat' routine that we have all mastered - but the real type of living. We are not immortal. We know our time can be up at any point. The hands on a clock can stop and the beating of our hearts can too;  yet why do we act like we are invincible? Why do we believe that nothing can get in the way of our superior lives? Anything can happen, yet we still take our lives for granted. 

It seems that we have a selfish desire for life, to see how far we can push it either by rising above others no matter the consequences or spending the days doing the bare minimum. Is that really a life worth living?

On the other hand, some people live to make themselves happy; mothers and fathers, or husbands and wives. In the process they sacrifice a part of them and forget who they are as a person. Perhaps they still have their own life to live but have to compromise to reach their dreams. Is it that hard to be happy?

One's definition of happy is always different to another. A singer in a band could be happy because he spends his days doing what he loves; but is that all he lives for? A mother seeing her child succeed in life could also be happy, but has she fulfilled all her dreams and wishes? We take it for granted that tomorrow will arrive, that the sun will set for another day. But what happens if it doesn't? What happens if it was to be your last day? Would you be happy with how you lived your life? Have you completed all the things that you set out to achieve?

If I were to answer that question, it would be a no. Yours would be too. No-one can be satisfied. As humans we are always wanting more than we can have; whether it's that holiday you were planning for next year, or the M.A course you decided to enrol in. The truth is, none of us will ever be truly happy. It's ok though - we only have this life to live so why take unnecessary risks, to not achieve something you wanted so deeply? Why set yourself up for heartache when you are comfortable with the position you are in now?

As a consequence we will always be riddled with the question - What if?

What if?
 

No lights with tealights.

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet, and the winds long to play with your hair.
                                                                                 - Khalil Gibran


 At 8.30pm on 29th March, the UAE became involved in a worldwide movement known as Earth Hour. As an attempt to tackle climate change households, businesses, and individuals are encouraged to switch of all sources of unnatural light for one hour. It was this particular event that shed light upon another topic - technology.

Let me recreate the scene that unfolded before my eyes to help you understand the nature of this topic. I was sitting in my usual spot in a bar when tealights were placed upon each table, the lights were flicked off, and the televisions no longer played the monotony sport of football. As odd as it seemed, the atmosphere was quite romantic - that is if you looked past the a collection of guys drunkenly raising their voices in a dark corner. For that one hour it felt nice to take a step back from reality. Yet it made me wonder; what would happen if the world shut off more than the lights? Would the world crumble around us, or would humanity adapt to the change. Evidence in my surroundings would support the former. It had only been five minutes and the majority of those present, including myself, resorted to using a mobile phone as a source of light or entertainment. Five minutes. That was all it took.

What had happened to the days were we weren't glued to some form of technology: mobiles, laptops, Ipads or Ipods. Is life really that bad that we need to check our messages within every second that passes? Is it too hard to talk to someone face-to-face? Is it too  difficult to put pen to paper and send a letter? Today's society would say yes it is. No-one has time to send letters instead of texts. No-one wants to take the risk of knocking on someone's door and speaking to them in person.

It shocked me that in the UAE, children as young as three have been introduced to and/or using some form of technology. Are we that engrossed in it that it has now ruled our lives. It is kind of hypocritical of me to type about such a topic when I had been texting throughout the writing of this post, but it further proves my point. We would not survive living in a world with no technology, no means to communicate faster. Socialising no longer exists in the original sense that it was meant to be. Could we ever go back to how we were before technology was given such power. Probably not.

The tea-lights have now burned themselves out and the power has been restored.

AAnd And And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/khalilgibr387063.html#6fOw9vq8RCFR7xVm.99

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/khalilgibr387063.html#6fOw9vq8RCFR7xVm.99

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/khalilgibr387063.html#6fOw9vq8RCFR7xVm.99

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/khalilgibr387063.html#6fOw9vq8RCFR7xVm.99

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/k/khalilgibr387063.html#6fOw9vq8RCFR7xVm.99