Shining through the Clouds.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.

My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do.  Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself. 

At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE.  That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine. 

I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary. 

It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me. 

Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!

Now to find someone to share my sunshine with. 

Melissa

That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

A Nostalgic Whimsy May One Day Come

Life has been rather weird lately, and I can't tell if its positive or negative. My last post mentioned about an upcoming change, discussing how I didn't feel ready. Well now I am. I realized life is too short to worry about the what-ifs and enjoy the little moments instead. It is within these little moments I decided to edit my old Bucket-List and make it more sensible. I will keep reposting this once I cross something off.

1. See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis)
2. Visit Italy, Pompeii, Sweden, Hungary, Denmark, Finland
3. Sleep under the stars
4. Learn to Ice Skate
5. Send a message in a bottle
6. See a Cirque du Soleil show
7. Learn a foreign language 
8. See a Broadway Musical
9. Skydive 
10. See the sun set in a foreign country
11. Visit London
12. Fall in love
13. Adopt a shelter animal

Let me dream forever....

In the shadows it awakes the desire
But you know that you can't realize
And the pressure will just keep rising
Now the heat is on
                                                          Within Temptation - Where is the edge?

As usual I had that dream again last night, and surprisingly it had lasted a little bit longer. I have copied the dream into this post and I will continue from there.

As I stared out to the ocean before me, I could feel someone's eyes boring into my back. I slowly faced towards him and I could his eyes begging for me to take his out-stretched hand. My body seemed to know what it wanted as my legs started to move towards him. The closer I stepped towards him, the more my body felt alive. Why was I reacting this way? He must have decided that I was taking too long to reach him, as he moved so quickly his body was pressed against mine. Soon as we touched it had felt like time had stopped. His hand grazed against my cheek, and with a sweet caress I melted into him. I gazed into his soulful eyes; I knew I was home. Without any warning his lips swept across mine. 

I reciprocated the kiss, and I could feel the power radiating from him. Dominance. That was what he wanted. In that moment I was willing to surrender to him. My control was slipping away. In one swift movement, I was placed upon a blanket. Surrounded by the calm, gentle waves and only the moonlight glow in sight, I realised we were most definitely alone. With my heart pounding, I could make out the features off his face. Finally I could see what he looked like, but once I saw his eyes, I was lost. I moved my hand to reach out to him, to bring him closer to me, but his grip stilled my movement. His lips parted and a small word was released. 'Patience'. Patience for what. My body was getting restless. Was I to wait for him to make the first movement. I couldn't wait. I needed him. I tried to speak but my words were stuck in my throat. The grip on my body was liberated, his hands moved slowly from my waist up to my face, and a finger was placed upon my lips. Gazing at his face, I noticed a crooked smile. What game were we playing. I was prey for the lion, for him. He had hunted me and now he wanted to toy with me. 

And that was as far as I got. I have a rough idea who this guy is but hopefully tonight I will dream more and my suspicions will be confirmed.

A dreamy-eyed child staring into night...

On a journey to storyteller's mind
Whispers a wish speaks with the stars the words are silent in him
Distant sigh from a lonely heart
                                                  Nightwish - Wishmaster


So last night I had trouble sleeping so I ended up reading a book till roughly 2am this morning. Maybe reading a book that late was not the best of ideas. Let me take you through my actions leading to me writing this post.

After closing my book, I changed into my pyjamas and climbed into my bed for the night. Sleep came relatively easy once my brain had been challenged enough from the late night reading. I dream a lot every night so the occurring events were no stranger to me. But what made me confused was the twist and turns of the dreams. Most of them were like looking down a camera lens that was out of focus but one particular dream was interesting.

As I stared out to the ocean before me, I could feel someone's eyes boring into my back. I slowly faced towards him and I could his eyes begging for me to take his out-stretched hand. My body seemed to know what it wanted as my legs started to move towards him. The closer I stepped towards him, the more my body felt alive. Why was I reacting this way? He must have decided that I was taking too long to reach him, as he moved so quickly his body was pressed against mine. Soon as we touched it had felt like time had stopped. His hand grazed against my cheek, and with a sweet caress I melted into him. I gazed into his soulful eyes; I knew I was home. Without any warning his lips swept across mine....

And then I woke up. Well I didn't know who this guy was in my dream but I do have an inkling. I have had the same  dream for the past few days and it appears to be getting more and more detailed. Maybe tonight I will have the same dream and I might be able to find out who he is.

Melissa
x

qui amatorios affectu - Part 2

Not so long ago I submitted a post describing the feelings that are aroused during my tattoo sessions. However due to other commitments and other activities, I completely forgot to update it. So a month has passed since my last tattoo was coloured in and I believe I am ready to describe that experience to you.

My most recent visit to the tattoo parlour was interesting to say the least. I had the outline done back in February/March time so this venture was simply to complete the design. Yes I can hear you guys saying 'get to the good stuff instead of rambling' but hey I need to set the scene. I don't remember much of the actual sitting to begin with, as I was running straight off my adrenaline.  But then all of a sudden new feelings had been awoken within me. I had finally remembered why I liked getting tattooed.

I could feel the ink gun sketch across my shoulder, in the most sensual way ever. It was like having someone using their fingers to stroke your back. If you are like me, then any way someone touches my back is arousing, so having someone mark me with their ink takes it to a whole new level. At some points in the sitting I could feel a painful burn, but that was subdued when the combination of hands and ink took over my body.

Now just because it feels erotic for me to get a tattoo, it doesn't mean that I will be covering my body any time soon. I would happily let someone take a pen and draw over my body and that would be enough. It is simply more about letting someone have the power to decide what goes onto my body and how they display their art is more sensual to me than the tattoo itself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my tattoos and each of them mean something to me, but if someone asked if they could draw on me I would be even happier.

One month to go...

It really amazes me how each day has the same amount of seconds, minutes and hours, yet they pass by quicker than the last. It only felt like a few days ago when I received an email containing an
'acceptance of the offer' letter. In fact I signed the form little over a month ago. It seems that life is going so fast that my mind cannot comprehend what is happening.

There is one thing that keeps me up awake, making the night last longer; and that is all the people I will miss.

1) My mum - I will miss the 10am wake up call that she manages to give me every morning. I will miss the annoying 'just checking your still alive' phone calls. I will miss the snarky and bitchy comments we make at each other when one of us is clearly not in the mood. Yet most of all I will miss her warmth and love that a mother gives her child.
2) My dad - I don't really see him that much due to him working away all the time but I will miss the comments he gives when we do unite... (so you're a dumb blonde now...by your putting on the weight and so on). I will miss the arguments were one of us has to be right no matter what. I will definitely miss getting my random hugs from him when I'm feeling down, lonely, or even just bored.
3) My brother - He may have his own family now, and his own house, but I will miss the random phone calls, his way of conning lifts from me, and all the dead arms I receive when trying to beat him up.  I know Jacqueline and Lillie will keep him occupied.
4) My niece -I will miss the way she says 'missa'. I will miss all of her little attitudes she has. I will miss her hugs and kisses and the way she wakes me up in the morning. I will miss her little laugh and her demanding ways.

I could go on like this with everyone in my family, and those that I hold dear to my heart. I will miss the new friends I made throughout my time at school, college and university (both under and post- grad). I will miss my annoying but amusing colleagues from work. I definitely will not miss the early phonecalls asking to come in asap or the phonecalls at night changing shifts. But my time there has been wonderful.

There are people at work who I will miss more then some (sorry) but that's due to the time spent with each individual. There will be one person I will definitely miss. Their ability to make me laugh when I'm annoyed, their acceptance of my bitchy nature or my attitude when I'm on coffee or had no sleep.

It is crazy how many people enter and leave your life all the time, but the memories created along the way will serve me a lifetime of happiness.

Am I ready to go out in to the world alone? - no, but I will do my darn hardest to make the most of what life has given me. 

In the name of...

...love

To let someone go because you loved them and it seemed like the right thing to at the time, is just utter bullsh*t. In my defence, I do believe that I loved him but I never let him go because of that. I let him go because of silly insecurities that got too much. Silly thoughts that crept into my mind way too many times every day.

How is it possible to let a thought consume so much of my daily life is surely baffling. But it's not just this that has my life all in a tizz. January 9th, saw me break my foot after a night out. From then I went through the stages of anger, self-pity, stress, and depression; just in a total of four weeks. It was during this time that I finally had a grasp on my life, of what I actually wanted. The list is as follows:

1) A career. Yes surely that is a given but I actually want to teach. My placement at HMP Durham has been a real eye opener. To see those turn to crime because of their upbringing, or as a student told me "they never got the chance to go to school and stay there", was shocking. I left one lesson with a smile on my face as one had stated " I really enjoyed that lesson Miss, I felt like I learnt something". It made me feel proud, like I had accomplished something.

2) A family. Someday I want to settle down with my own boyfriend/partner/husband, with whatever children I am blessed with. Again, the near loss of my nana opened my eyes to how cruel life can be. One minute your on the road to recovery, just to take what seems like 10 steps back, towards death's door again. Hopefully, my nana will get better soon, and positive energy will be restored into the family. It feels like the full family is drained emotionally. Events like this do make you appreciate what you have, and that you can't take life for granted. Even if it is short, you have to live it.

3) My life. I want to live a life that is mine. Dreams and goals that are mine. But this also includes having a healthy life. I don't want to be really skinny again, that's not me. I just want to be happy and free. I suppose I will feel that way again once the stress of waiting on test results passes, and when my Nana is home again. I want to find happiness with someone. Someone who will let me have my insecurities, but will help me through them, instead of dismissing them like they are nothing. Someone to understand that I need a compromise, not me putting in all the effort to make something work.  Someone that understands I need my space.

I could write a conclusion to this post but its not necessary. I am what I am, and what I want I will achieve. Someday.

Another Little Quiz

1. What is your best friend's name? Emma

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I have one randomly on my palm.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? oooo this is a toughy, probably Mr Thompson, one of my old Chemistry teachers, or perhaps Mr Brown, an old Maths teacher.

4. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie :)

5. Have you ever been tied up? Do you want to be? I've been tied up once, and I would like to do it again sometime ;)

6. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I drive around the block, or look for another space

7. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? My lovely crush

8. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Yeah I have, quite a few in fact!

9. What was your childhood nickname? Fire, Moo-shake, Milly Molly Mandy, I had a few

10. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I changed my shoes once

11. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold

12. Do you have any strange phobias? Spiders, Blood, Thunder, Lightning

13. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Too many things to write down

14. Have you ever been drunk at work? Plenty of times.

15. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Once or twice.

Crush, Crush, Crush

“I didn't want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there's a lot of difference.” 
― Ernest Hemingway


I am seriously fed up with men right now. Maybe it's my fault since I'm slightly high maintainence, or apparently a stuck up bitch; but if the opposite sex decided to help out instead of making me do all the work, then I wouldn't have this problem. Yes, I have a car; but that does not mean that I will do all the travelling. Oh and posting things on a certain social network site with another girl just makes me hate you, and want to forget you. However, this is not the main issue I have. There is this one guy that gets under my skin in a very annoying way, and is driving me insane; yet a sort of crush is developing. We met and an instant dislike was made. Talking to me like a child instantly put him in my bad books, but recently his company hasn't been too bad.  It's not like I can tell the guy since it would be highly innappropriate, what with work and his possible other half. Also work is kind of awkward as it is at the moment.
As for the quote, I have never kissed my crush at all, never mind goodbye or goodnight, but it sort of represents how I feel right now. Oh and the dreams are worth going to sleep for. Though the dreams are for another post.