That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

Give Me a Time Frame.

It's amazing how one little thing can totally change your outlook on life. Whether it's that person you smile to on the way to work, the little cuss word that you weren't supposed to say or something negative that you weren't expecting. Last week was full of little happenings that turned into a chain of catastrophic events. Well, catastrophic maybe too harsh but turbulent was definitely the case.

I don't wish to delve into the gory details of my life, but it has changed the way I process my life right now. My emotions are at a PMS level times 1000 which isn't really great for the people I work with. I wish I could tone it down a bit, but my brain isn't good at playing catch up.

For something so draining to happen has changed the way I view myself;  invincible to the things that could go wrong, I envy those that can hold a conversation without being overly emotional. I envy those that can say their life is complete. Mine never will be.

One change in my body has had the worst consequences possible. Finding out you lost something you never thought you could have in the beginning was a low blow to being who I am. I knew things would be hard but no-one really knows how hard until you have to go through it yourself. That's what pisses me off the most. Excuse the profanity but 'it happens for a reason' aint gonna fix my problem. It's not a valid reason. Tell me why it happened then maybe I could accept that excuse, but until then, stop saying it. why give me something just to have it taken away. Yes life would have been difficult afterwards but I would dealt the hand I was given. Now that hand will never be given again, and sure, life never gives the same situation, it has it's slight variation. Yet, I'm pretty certain my variation will never happen; my body cannot adapt to it's new environment.

 And yes, I will be using the excuse I am emotionally unstable right now, cause I am. I will be until my hormones can get back to their normal levels. If there was a handbook on that time frame I would have let you know but until then, suck it up buttercup. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, we just have deal and get through the pain, even if that means having to put up with me being happy one minute then angry the next.

Give me a time frame please. 

The Family

Do you ever get that feeling like you don't belong, the sense of dis-connection to the people around you? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it never seems to be enough? I'm not saying that I don't belong anywhere or anything, but a lot of what-if questions have been constantly floating around my brain and today's actions made them surface.

I'm always wondering what-if in regards to my own life. Did I make the right choice? Did I have to leave the country? What-if I never left home, would everything be the same in terms of relationships with my family? What-if me being here has caused a bigger strain on the bonds?

I could argue back and forth all night but it wouldn't get me any wore, if anything, it would drive me even crazier than I already am.

I'm happy with the decisions I have made so far, I feel like I belong in this part of the world. I may not have a close circle of friends, but I have always been a loner. I may not always be happy with certain situations,but I make the best out of them. No what is getting to me is the things |I've left behind to get to this point. My parents, my brother, my niece, friends and other members of my family. All they seem to do is  serve as a reminder to the things I am missing out on, inside jokes are left unexplained, being told not to say anything about family drama. So many things are pushing me further and further away from the life I once had. Conversations are strained, one-sided, I put on a happy face because they don't want to deal with any other emotion as it leads to the simple phrase "well come home then". Life is moving on with out me and I have no place in it any more. My life is here, on my own.

Somethings have been described as me over-reacting, things like my niece not wanting to talk to me (lets face it I am a stranger in her life now), pushing every month for my parents to visit ( which is me reminding them constantly because otherwise it will never happen - "lets wait until your settled" is always around the corner). Even upcoming visits home are deemed not important. Yes jokes are made about me not actually having a room to stay in because it belongs to the family dog, comments about having to get a taxi home from the airport because no-one wants to get out of their way to pick me up. things like make me feel like a chore rather than a daughter or a sister. I didn't go home at Christmas for the same reason, surprises would have turned into "now I'll have to go buy more things for us to eat, I'll have to find you something for a present" etc.

Is it punishment for actually doing something with my life, instead of being stuck in the same town I was born in and not being on drugs or living on the dole like the rest of my family?

Who knows. I feel myself pulling further away from, as a result. I'll just be the quick skype call once in a blue moon to remind them I do exist.


PS. I am happy. I am settled in my own life. I am healthy mentally and physically. Just expressing my emotions in this blog since discussing with my family will just end in "shape up, get over it..." sort of comments.

The career

“Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now that's  how I feel.  I don't want to work. I don't  want to be tied in a position that I will have to live in for the rest of my life.  I don't  want to be backed into a corner, explaining all my decisions to someone in a higher positon. To someone who doesn't  see me at my best, only my worst.

This past week has had me all distracted. I recently got a promotion at work and now it's  left me all dazed. I am no longer in my zone; I don't  have the energy to teach anymore. There's no laughter in my voice. Every little thing a child does angers or upsets me. Other teachers have noticed this too. No appetite, loss of weight, clumsiness and being unaware of objects/people around me. Many thought it was because of a boy. I did too. That was until I saw my new job description lying on my apartment floor. Performance  will be reviewed. That was it. It was those words that send my mind into a whirlwind of panic. No not panic, more like numbness.

I keep thinking to myself, I am too  young for this. 2 years teaching experience is not enough to lead a team. How can anyone take me serious? How can I support a group of teachers if I can barely support myself?

Apparently I can, as I am constantly  reminded. You wouldn't  have this opportunity if you couldn't  do it. Actually  I realised the reason why I have this position; it's not because I can help others around me, lead and inspire, but because I helped complete a few administrative tasks - something anybody could do. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. There are other teachers better suited for the position and I am constantly reminded of that when I see their face, the change in atmosphere when I enter the room or even the comments to the line manager.

It's  unfair of me to be ungrateful for this role and I simply must give it time, people time to adjust,  and time for me to realise how I can handle this.

The question is: how much time?

The Illness

“No disease suffered by a live man can be known, for every living person has his own peculiarities and always has his own peculiar, personal, novel, complicated disease, unknown to medicine -- not a disease of the lungs, liver, skin, heart, nerves, and so on mentioned in medical books, but a disease consisting of one of the innumerable combinations of the maladies of those organs."
                                                                    Lee Tolstoy

Every day is an ongoing battle with different problems to overcome. An individual’s ailment will be different from the next; mental, physical and so on. Her battle was supposed to disappear, to be hidden from the world but as luck would have it, the world knew within moments. Strangers would stop and ask how she was and she would respond the same each time – “I’m ok. Still alive”. Not many found that as humorous as she did. Humor was all she had. Without it she would fall deep underground into a world of sadness.

What is her illness you may be asking yourself right now. Well it is hard to explain. How do you possibly tell someone that you are ill but your are not sure what is wrong? There is something wrong, the doctors, some, and her closest friends know something is amiss. Others gossip about ‘sympathy’ and ‘attention seeking’. Most doctors mutter the word  neurological,  perhaps cerebral without offering a reason to help understand. All she knows is that a stroke like episode happened and has turned her world upside down.
Body numbness, loss of motor control, tingling, tiredness, stress, the list is endless. The suggested diagnoses are not much help either: cerebral vascular accident, multiple sclerosis, dyspepsia, presentation confusion and so on.

With no sign of a correct diagnosis all she can do is pray she lives to see another day.

The End is Near

The end is near. Well for my contract in the Middle East that is. It is hard to believe that this time last year I had sent off my CV to a teaching agency on a whim. I wasn’t hoping to get an interview after all I hadn’t even completed the PCET course. I had a back plan of course – supply teaching. I didn’t want to raise my hopes for them to be knocked back down. Yet never in a million years would I have thought of applying for a full-time teaching position in the Middle East. For me to do that I would have to step out of my comfort zone and open myself to rejection on a grander scale.  Nevertheless I put myself out there and waited for the inevitable reply. I didn’t have to wait long though. A few days later and I received an offer letter to be signed and returned as soon as possible. Time after that seemed to pass in a blink of an eye.  A year on and I am currently going through the same progress – signing an offer letter for next yet.

The thing that has me most excited is my vacation time in July. I will be going home. Though I will only be in the UK for four weeks as I have my very own Euro-trip booked; by Euro-trip I mean Newcastle – Amsterdam – Rotterdam – Stockholm – Gothenburg. Hopefully my next summer vacation will include Finland, Hungary and Denmark. When discussing my plans with my family over skype, my brother appeared and stated I should visit Krakow, Poland. His reasoning for this, which is horribly amusing, is to see how many Polish live there since the UK is swarmed with them. Slightly racist brother I have there.

I have been thinking about my plans for the British summer and I realised I will definitely need to make time for my best friend’s first new-born baby.  I am so ecstatic for her. It’s surreal that the girl  I grew up with for eleven years is about to be a mother.  She’s all grown up now. It also reminds of my little girl waiting at home for me – my beautiful nightmare of a niece. I can’t wait to shower her in kisses and maybe cause some mischief around the town with her. My Lillie-bug is one hilarious child. I am so grateful that she hasn’t forgotten me. 

In other news, someone recently mentioned to me about remembering me when I have published my work and it got me thinking; why do I need to publish my work? Is it to earn money? For someone criticise my work publicly? So everyone knows who I am? If these are the reasons  then my answer is no. I write to let my feelings out. I am not bothered if no-one or everyone reads it. It’s my hobby, my own pleasure – no-one else’s. I may link my posts on social network sites, but that is so one of my good friends can read it- and nothing else.

I am currently in the middle of writing a book – continuing what I had started in university for an assignment. Again this is for me only; to see what I can accomplish. I remember listening to my English tutor say to me: “Even if you only write a 100 words a week, you can still write a  complete novella or even a novel, but it all depends on your state of mind and whether you want  to finish something you have started.” This stuck with me for 3 years, but I didn’t return to my story until recently. 

It’s amazing what changes a person can go through without really knowing. I am still the girl who watches the world rather than participates, but at the end of the day I know what risks are worth taking and which choices are simply unrealistic. Whether it’s my upcoming plans for the summer, or my continuous need to write something, I know life has plenty of things in store for me.

Well that s enough writing for now,

See you on the other side of the Internet

Melissa

Let me dream forever....

In the shadows it awakes the desire
But you know that you can't realize
And the pressure will just keep rising
Now the heat is on
                                                          Within Temptation - Where is the edge?

As usual I had that dream again last night, and surprisingly it had lasted a little bit longer. I have copied the dream into this post and I will continue from there.

As I stared out to the ocean before me, I could feel someone's eyes boring into my back. I slowly faced towards him and I could his eyes begging for me to take his out-stretched hand. My body seemed to know what it wanted as my legs started to move towards him. The closer I stepped towards him, the more my body felt alive. Why was I reacting this way? He must have decided that I was taking too long to reach him, as he moved so quickly his body was pressed against mine. Soon as we touched it had felt like time had stopped. His hand grazed against my cheek, and with a sweet caress I melted into him. I gazed into his soulful eyes; I knew I was home. Without any warning his lips swept across mine. 

I reciprocated the kiss, and I could feel the power radiating from him. Dominance. That was what he wanted. In that moment I was willing to surrender to him. My control was slipping away. In one swift movement, I was placed upon a blanket. Surrounded by the calm, gentle waves and only the moonlight glow in sight, I realised we were most definitely alone. With my heart pounding, I could make out the features off his face. Finally I could see what he looked like, but once I saw his eyes, I was lost. I moved my hand to reach out to him, to bring him closer to me, but his grip stilled my movement. His lips parted and a small word was released. 'Patience'. Patience for what. My body was getting restless. Was I to wait for him to make the first movement. I couldn't wait. I needed him. I tried to speak but my words were stuck in my throat. The grip on my body was liberated, his hands moved slowly from my waist up to my face, and a finger was placed upon my lips. Gazing at his face, I noticed a crooked smile. What game were we playing. I was prey for the lion, for him. He had hunted me and now he wanted to toy with me. 

And that was as far as I got. I have a rough idea who this guy is but hopefully tonight I will dream more and my suspicions will be confirmed.

A dreamy-eyed child staring into night...

On a journey to storyteller's mind
Whispers a wish speaks with the stars the words are silent in him
Distant sigh from a lonely heart
                                                  Nightwish - Wishmaster


So last night I had trouble sleeping so I ended up reading a book till roughly 2am this morning. Maybe reading a book that late was not the best of ideas. Let me take you through my actions leading to me writing this post.

After closing my book, I changed into my pyjamas and climbed into my bed for the night. Sleep came relatively easy once my brain had been challenged enough from the late night reading. I dream a lot every night so the occurring events were no stranger to me. But what made me confused was the twist and turns of the dreams. Most of them were like looking down a camera lens that was out of focus but one particular dream was interesting.

As I stared out to the ocean before me, I could feel someone's eyes boring into my back. I slowly faced towards him and I could his eyes begging for me to take his out-stretched hand. My body seemed to know what it wanted as my legs started to move towards him. The closer I stepped towards him, the more my body felt alive. Why was I reacting this way? He must have decided that I was taking too long to reach him, as he moved so quickly his body was pressed against mine. Soon as we touched it had felt like time had stopped. His hand grazed against my cheek, and with a sweet caress I melted into him. I gazed into his soulful eyes; I knew I was home. Without any warning his lips swept across mine....

And then I woke up. Well I didn't know who this guy was in my dream but I do have an inkling. I have had the same  dream for the past few days and it appears to be getting more and more detailed. Maybe tonight I will have the same dream and I might be able to find out who he is.

Melissa
x

Behind Blue Eyes....

Well in my case Behind Green/Blue Eyes...sometimes brown depending on my mood. 
 
It's currently 23:27 in Al Ain and my body cannot seem to slow down the amount of writing. I have wrote more in the past two days than I have done in the whole month and a half I have been here. Perhaps that is the reason; after bottling up my emotions for so long my mind has just overloaded and spilled out on to pen and paper. With the stresses of teaching and moving, pent up frustrations and other unexplainable emotions jut need to be released.

At this current moment in time I have Within Temptation's album Q-Sessions playing in the background. My favourite song so far is Behind Blue Eyes. Mixing my favourite song from The Who and having Sharon sing, my body is starting to relax. I must have listened to it about 20-30 times now - that is no lie. Once I like a song I will have it on repeat for the following week or so. As I'm writing, a memory has flashed in front of me. I remember taking a whole 4 months or so to listen to Mallory Knox's album Signals due to the fact I would listen to one song at a time. I also remember my friend Matt getting frustrated at the length of time it had taken me and so once I had completed one song I had to do a 50 word review and quickly move on to the next. Oh by the way Matt, if you are reading this, I have only just started Sixx a.m.'s Heroin Diaries haha. See I like to take the time to listen to the words sung in my ear and create images to the song as if it was a real life situation. Maybe one day I will act like a normal human being and listen to an album a lot quicker; and I have a lot of albums to get through.

I have also just found out that a band from my days at secondary school are back on the scene. AFI. Not many people were interested in that particular band but I found them interesting. The more obscure the lyrics and meanings behind the songs, the better. Speaking of secondary school, there were a few bands that helped me through, even if I had to listen to them in private. My Chemical Romance, Avenged Sevenfold and 30 Seconds to Mars. Yes I had the typical teenage crushes with a few members of each band too. I think up until the beginning of college it became clear that marrying Synyster Gates or Jared Leto was definitely out of the question.

These past few years, my music taste hasn't changed that much as I still listen to the bands I did when I was younger. Yet recently I have found myself trying to find songs with a heavy drum sound or a body-tingling guitar solos. One music genre I cannot get into is Screamo. It annoys the sh*t out of me. I like to be able to hear the words not have them screamed into my brain.

So this is me and my music. I am now of to listen to more Within Temptation and perhaps revisit songs from my school days.

Bye for now.

P.s I know this wasn't an interesting post but I promise better for next time. Perhaps I will have some crazy dream that needs to be shared with you at some point.

x x

Nossa, nossa. Assim você me mata (PG rated version)

Ai, se eu te pego
Ai, ai, se eu te pego

Sitting in the bar, writing these words, I feel like I am almost home. Loud words pounding in my ears, the bass vibrating through my body. Peace. After the day I have endured, the noise and familiarity was welcomed. Today made me look at the cracks in my life and fill them with something new (and not poly-filler as my dad would say to me). New friends, a new career, a new home in the UAE. Well maybe after I get used to the fact that my parents are not here to hold my hand and guide me through life.

At this moment in time a band is playing, well playing mainstream music that I dislike (actually when I have had a few drinks I find myself singing along to anything). However my music opinion aside, the sound that they produce is rather great. In fact they may have introduced me to a song I had never heard of before; the title of this post actually.

With a Bacardi Breezer in one hand and my pen in the other, I am set for the night. To do this sort of writing, the freeing of my emotions and the letting go of what is inside of me, I have left two of my friends outside to drink their vodka.  Is it socially acceptable to be all emo and write in a bar when I could do this at home where it is comfortable and warm. To be honest with you all, I am actually quite introvert. The best moments of my life have been when I succumb to the isolation of my own company. I would apologise for the rambling but currently the guitar riffs I hear are trying to help my body lose control, and I need to be careful before I start writing some x-rated story. Yeah that has happened before, but for now lets focus on the band.

Right now it appears to be someone's birthday and the band is getting the whole crowd involved. Scenes like this warm the heart. The song choices are amazing (yes I know I said they were mainstream) and they have also chosen songs that make you stop and think "oh wow. I haven't heard that song in a while". Then all of a sudden your body develops a mind of its own; first the tapping of the foot, then the rhythmic leg bounce and before you know it, your body is upon the dance-floor moving with a spirit so free that it is contagious to everyone around begins to dance -or if you are like me then your are looking like you are having some sort of fit. Ok, back to the band. See, I digress rather easily.

The band is named Diesel, and they are actually a group that can play. I have seen my acts before in local bars and pubs and the song choices are more cheesy kareoke than entertainment. Yet Diesel manages to avoid this and create an atmosphere that is so electric, the rhythm of the music can be felt throughout your body, racing through your veins and hitting your soul in all the right places.
You just have to let go and let the music run through you.

Natasha, or Tash as some people call her, is one of the vocalists. She has a beautiful voice and definitely knows how to start a party in style. Let say girls, she has the best sense of style I have seen in a long time. Though lets not take that away from the amazing voice she has. For someone to vary their style of singing the way she does, is incredible. The moves on that girl in heels whilst she is singing are simple but they capture the attention of both men and women in the room.
Next there is Patrick, another vocalist who looks almost like Bruce Willis. He reminds me of a man with a young boy's soul-so full of life and the ability to range his songs from those before my birth to things like Macklemore's Thrift-Shop. That has got to be a skill.
We also have present a guitarist called Thomas and the bass player named Dean. The way those guys capture your attention through the riffs is astounding. The way they move their fingers...in fact I cannot say what I want to say cause it would be highly indecent and inappropriate for such a review. Though the coordinated outfits would make any woman's hormones go crazy.
Finally we have the drummer - Marcus. You can see the talent in the sounds he produces and the emotions showing on his face. The sound made creates a new version of the song taking it from cheesy pop to almost rock-like and alternative. The way he hits those drums a girl could only imagine. Ok lets try to get this back on to topic before the tone will turn into something completely and unintentionally dirty.

The band look like they actually belong together; like pieces of a jigsaw they fall into the correct place. They also remind me of a snowflake. So unique and beautiful, yet they create a masterpiece when placed next to each other. When you look at a masterpiece, it sometimes brings you close to tears. That is your soul letting you know that you should grasp this moment with both hands and treasure it. That is what the audience should feel when they are in the presence of Diesel. A moment never to forget. Each moment so unique.

I could continue to write this piece for as long as I wanted too, but I could never give the band enough attention and justice they deserve.  So I shall end this note rocking out to Linkin Park and ironically it didn't really matter that I was some girl sitting in the corner of a bar writing this. In the end this me. This is the music. This is Diesel.

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

Ai, se eu te pego,
Ai, ai, se eu te pego
Read more at http://lyricstranslate.com/en/ai-se-eu-te-pego-ah-when-i-get-my-hands-you.html#F770Ovgbk6jU2Upy.99

15.10.13

It has been roughly one month and a half since I arrived in Al Ain, and my life has done a complete 360 multiple of times. So lets begin where I left off in my last post which happened to be the first night in my new home. Well what happened after that was simply more than your average emotional roller-coaster.

I decided to a bit of shopping whilst I waited for a fellow UK-er to arrive. This was to be my first grocery trip and what an experience it was. I had no idea what to buy except from water, milk and bread. Do I buy frozen food? But if I do how will I cook it with no actual oven in my room? Do I try and keep away from chocolates and buy fruit instead? Questions were running through my head million miles a second. Though one question was the most important of all...how the heck do I get to the shopping centre? Luckily the accommodation managers had left a get-started kit which included maps to all of the local shops. I decided to take the most uncommon mode of transport someone in the UAE would use to get there - by foot. It was rare for anyone to walk anywhere never mind a female on her own; and I wasn't surprised as to why. The traffic was horrendous and everyone stared at you like you had grown an extra set of arms and legs and had five eyes. Everyone who walked had an immediate neon sign pointing to them saying "look at me I'm walking. Please beep your horn at me and shout random words at me".

I finally managed to make it to Jimi Mall, Al Ain, and I felt at piece. I must have spent roughly about 3 hours in the supermarket itself.

I don't want to be talking about what I did ever second of everyday as have just I realised how much space talking about the supermarket trip had actually taken up. So I will move quickly on to the beginning of the first day at School.

Well the first week was simply a CPD week where I felt like I was actually back at school. You found out who were the nicest people, the ones who liked the sound of their voices and the ones you had to avoid. I had it figured out after about the first day. The second week came and the school had decided to push back the starting date for the children, which for me was a good thing. I wasn't totally ready to teach. Yet after the second week of no children I was getting more anxious as the seconds ticked by. I had a full two weeks of lessons prepared.

Finally the day arrived and I was not expecting the day to go the way it day - or the following weeks for that matter either. Now I do not want to put the exact details about what happened during the days at the school in case this gets into the wrong hands, but lets just say structure, communication, organisation and safety are not the strongest points. One can certainly say there is a lot of spirit there though.

Through all the tears and the tantrums (and that's just from me), I can safely say that some of  the children are starting to understand that I am not going anywhere and I will not give up on them - which is what looks like happened to the majority of them last year. 

I will end this post on a high note. Though my personal life has hit an all time low, some of my children know how to put a smile on my face. With all the stickers, little messages on scrap pieces of paper and  the on bouquet of flowers I received, these children have a lot of happiness in them and I will do whatever it takes to let them shine and grow in wonderful people.

For 'twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart.

'Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul
                                                                -Judy Garland


So today has included a mixture of feelings: love, lust, hate and fear. So where to begin? This post will only focus on love and lust as the other two emotions are too raw to write about now.

Love:

Well, to be honest, love is a strong word that I shouldn't be using right now. I would say its more confusing than anything else. Dreams do crazy things to ones head. They make you think of things that you would never have thought of before. I was perfectly fine before I started dreaming. Perhaps I'm only attracted to the person in my dreams and not the person in reality. Whatever it is, it will not go away. Every night consists of the same dream. Right down to the nitty gritty details. This does lead us on to the next emotion - lust. Here, I will simply re-post a poem that sums it all up

Lust:

The gazing of ocean blue against earthly brown,

Velvet whispers, lips he does caress.

A soft embrace, his hand ascends towards her crown.

Brush of her hair, a sweetly placed kiss,

Heart against heart, soul against soul, one they become.

He soaks in his wonderful beauty.

Actions of love envelop her unclothed bosom,

A swift taste of her fresh honey.

One look up at the angel; she begs for mercy,

The promise of his love forever.

Succumbing to his advance, she gives him the key.

They key to her heart and her forever.

The feeling of both bodies, the sound of heaven –

The melody of peace, joy and love.

The perfect fit for her cherished garden,

The perfect fit of his heightened touch.

Collapsing back to earth, the lovers revel in each other’s sight

Each other’s wings of security

He sends his spoken truth to his mate, gives their love the gift of flight

To soar higher than other love for all eternity.