Almost Comfortably Numb

Not sure that the title of this post actually matches my current mood. I'm probably just numb. Today probably has been added to one of the worst days in my life. Normally I get the sense of how bad a day is going to be soon as I wake up; I normally sleep in or fall out of the bed (quite literally), but today started of like any other.

I don't particularly want to revisit my memories of today as I am simply happy enough that it is over. Yet I need to somehow justify my feelings, or lack of. After today's events, the Middle East has finally won and has tipped me over the edge. Who knows if normality will return? Maybe it won't.

Everything and everyone here is crazy, and that is putting it lightly. Sure you do get some wonderful people, but for the most part, life here sucks. I know that tomorrow will be a different story, so I have to live it out till then. As I always say; let's see what happens.

I have a flesh coloured tattoo..

"I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible)."


I am a ghost, no word of a lie.  I'm not a ghost in the typical sense since I am alive,but I do appear to be invisible. The reason for this, let me explain. You see, there have been times when I spend my Thursday or Friday nights out socializing with staff or friends and they have all accused me the day after for not being there. They could have a full blown conversation, but would not remember it the next day. 

A similar thing had happened recently. Now I'm not sure how I feel about it. Yes, I laughed it off and was dubbed the 'ghost' but it's starting to wear me down. Am I really that bad at company that I don't make a lasting impression on anyone?  All I know is, that besides this little setback, I am still having fun. Last week had been a blast though; accidentally spilling drinks, getting wasted and dancing the night away.  I even found a small gap in my schedule to write something. It was during my writing night out that I had been asked if I had written anything on the local band and it got my brain working over-time. Why had I not wrote anything about them? I normally write about every local band I listen to. Was I that scared to erase the memory of the last band? Was I refusing to write a piece in the hope that they would never be as good as the previous? Whatever the reason, I feel as though I need to do a segment now. 

Bolt. My initial reaction was that of shock. I hear about them during my summer vacation period. All that was running through my mind when I heard their name was the Miley Cyrus movie with the superstar dog of the same name. Clearly, I had been hanging around children for too long. Yes I was being judgmental; I was yet to here them play and I was still getting used to the idea of a band change. As I have said before, I don't do particularly well with change unless I have control over the situation. I wasn't that nice in my thoughts either. However, once I heard them play the first night I was back in Al Ain, it was nice having that change in music. I became accustomed to listening to the same playlist every Thursday night. I even knew what song would come next. What really surprised me was the change in instruments! I had been told it would be a fun set but I never really expected it to be so. One change was the removal of the Bassist and the introduction of a keyboard player. That was better for me personally. Another, was the saxophone - rather refreshing if I'm honest!

The track-listing had changed too! I heard through the grapevine that they had been told not to play certain songs. It was rather nice to sing a particular song that you hadn't listened to in a while. The band members themselves came from all corners of the globe and brought with them their own personality. 
The band members have now changed. A new line up for the new year. In all honesty they seem to fit better together now. 

I would like to write more about this band but I simply do not have the inspiration anymore. Even my Saturday night routine has flown out of the window and would rather spend the night sleeping. I guess I lack my muse; the banter and distractions must have provided me with some ability to override the writers block I currently have. 

On that note, I will try to write something again soon. My mind is not used to storing all this useless drabble. 

One month to go...

It really amazes me how each day has the same amount of seconds, minutes and hours, yet they pass by quicker than the last. It only felt like a few days ago when I received an email containing an
'acceptance of the offer' letter. In fact I signed the form little over a month ago. It seems that life is going so fast that my mind cannot comprehend what is happening.

There is one thing that keeps me up awake, making the night last longer; and that is all the people I will miss.

1) My mum - I will miss the 10am wake up call that she manages to give me every morning. I will miss the annoying 'just checking your still alive' phone calls. I will miss the snarky and bitchy comments we make at each other when one of us is clearly not in the mood. Yet most of all I will miss her warmth and love that a mother gives her child.
2) My dad - I don't really see him that much due to him working away all the time but I will miss the comments he gives when we do unite... (so you're a dumb blonde now...by your putting on the weight and so on). I will miss the arguments were one of us has to be right no matter what. I will definitely miss getting my random hugs from him when I'm feeling down, lonely, or even just bored.
3) My brother - He may have his own family now, and his own house, but I will miss the random phone calls, his way of conning lifts from me, and all the dead arms I receive when trying to beat him up.  I know Jacqueline and Lillie will keep him occupied.
4) My niece -I will miss the way she says 'missa'. I will miss all of her little attitudes she has. I will miss her hugs and kisses and the way she wakes me up in the morning. I will miss her little laugh and her demanding ways.

I could go on like this with everyone in my family, and those that I hold dear to my heart. I will miss the new friends I made throughout my time at school, college and university (both under and post- grad). I will miss my annoying but amusing colleagues from work. I definitely will not miss the early phonecalls asking to come in asap or the phonecalls at night changing shifts. But my time there has been wonderful.

There are people at work who I will miss more then some (sorry) but that's due to the time spent with each individual. There will be one person I will definitely miss. Their ability to make me laugh when I'm annoyed, their acceptance of my bitchy nature or my attitude when I'm on coffee or had no sleep.

It is crazy how many people enter and leave your life all the time, but the memories created along the way will serve me a lifetime of happiness.

Am I ready to go out in to the world alone? - no, but I will do my darn hardest to make the most of what life has given me. 

In the name of...

...love

To let someone go because you loved them and it seemed like the right thing to at the time, is just utter bullsh*t. In my defence, I do believe that I loved him but I never let him go because of that. I let him go because of silly insecurities that got too much. Silly thoughts that crept into my mind way too many times every day.

How is it possible to let a thought consume so much of my daily life is surely baffling. But it's not just this that has my life all in a tizz. January 9th, saw me break my foot after a night out. From then I went through the stages of anger, self-pity, stress, and depression; just in a total of four weeks. It was during this time that I finally had a grasp on my life, of what I actually wanted. The list is as follows:

1) A career. Yes surely that is a given but I actually want to teach. My placement at HMP Durham has been a real eye opener. To see those turn to crime because of their upbringing, or as a student told me "they never got the chance to go to school and stay there", was shocking. I left one lesson with a smile on my face as one had stated " I really enjoyed that lesson Miss, I felt like I learnt something". It made me feel proud, like I had accomplished something.

2) A family. Someday I want to settle down with my own boyfriend/partner/husband, with whatever children I am blessed with. Again, the near loss of my nana opened my eyes to how cruel life can be. One minute your on the road to recovery, just to take what seems like 10 steps back, towards death's door again. Hopefully, my nana will get better soon, and positive energy will be restored into the family. It feels like the full family is drained emotionally. Events like this do make you appreciate what you have, and that you can't take life for granted. Even if it is short, you have to live it.

3) My life. I want to live a life that is mine. Dreams and goals that are mine. But this also includes having a healthy life. I don't want to be really skinny again, that's not me. I just want to be happy and free. I suppose I will feel that way again once the stress of waiting on test results passes, and when my Nana is home again. I want to find happiness with someone. Someone who will let me have my insecurities, but will help me through them, instead of dismissing them like they are nothing. Someone to understand that I need a compromise, not me putting in all the effort to make something work.  Someone that understands I need my space.

I could write a conclusion to this post but its not necessary. I am what I am, and what I want I will achieve. Someday.

Another Little Quiz

1. What is your best friend's name? Emma

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I have one randomly on my palm.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? oooo this is a toughy, probably Mr Thompson, one of my old Chemistry teachers, or perhaps Mr Brown, an old Maths teacher.

4. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie :)

5. Have you ever been tied up? Do you want to be? I've been tied up once, and I would like to do it again sometime ;)

6. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I drive around the block, or look for another space

7. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? My lovely crush

8. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Yeah I have, quite a few in fact!

9. What was your childhood nickname? Fire, Moo-shake, Milly Molly Mandy, I had a few

10. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? I changed my shoes once

11. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold

12. Do you have any strange phobias? Spiders, Blood, Thunder, Lightning

13. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? Too many things to write down

14. Have you ever been drunk at work? Plenty of times.

15. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Once or twice.

It's Not the End of the World.

Or is it?

Well according to my dream, it may well be.

It was any other normal day at work, just casually pretending to do something productive, when I randomly answer my phone in the middle of the store. It was my brother calling stating that my mother wanted me to come and spend the last final hours on Earth with her. I must have known before I  went to work that the world was going to end as I simply told her to calm down and look after my brother, I was going to be ok. All of a sudden my dream flashed to the sun burning in all its glory heading into the Earth's atmosphere. It was near. I knew it, and so did my bosses. Yet we chose to spend our last moments arranging the clothing rails in order. I sent a final text to my mother saying I loved her, and that we will meet again somewhere. I told my boss that this was where I wanted to be and that I enjoyed working. Me, a female boss, and a male boss seemed to have come to terms with the fact that death was near, since we appeared to be calm. We appeared to be content.

Then I woke up.  I was slightly worried that this was really going to happen, and I got myself into a real tizz about it. After a few moments, being real close to tears and scared for my life, I burst out laughing. Not only have had this dream before, and I noticed it was december 2012, my crush had appearend in this dream. That's when I knew I should never eat before going to sleep.

Boost up those brochure sales by pimping out your staff!

Well. That is all I have to say. Today was clearly one of those good days, were I don't look like a right mess at work. So it all started with an idea to boost up the Christmas brochures and B4L. I always do badly, that's a given when I'm at work, so here was a tip given to me by a friend...

"Make a sign that for every brochure a customer buys, they will be entered in a draw for a date with a member of staff (the customer can even choose which person). Or just pimp someone out completely"

Yeah cause that will work. Apparantly it does as I am getting pimped out already.

First there was a young gentleman who gave me a flirty smile and was eyeing me up (according to another member of staff), and he was darn good-looking too. Then a boy who must have been about 12 or 13 was a right charmer. He handed me the money with a right swagger calling me darl, yeah his dad taught him well. He will be a right heart-throb when he is older. Bless.

So that was a good day at work. The full day of flirting my way through sales.

Oh as a side note, I also managed to knock down a sign at work by throwing a ball.

All in one day ey.

A Random Quiz

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Slowly opens its mouth, and these words come out
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?A pillow
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Watching CSI
4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? CSI:Crime Scene Investigation
5. Without looking, guess what time it is. Half 7ish
6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 19:39
7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?Parents talking
8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? It was when I came home from work, I stepped outside to play with my dog
9. Did you dream last night?Yes unfortunately
10. Do you remember your dreams?Again yes
11. When did you last laugh? A few hours ago at work
12. Do you remember why / at what?I laughed at my co-workers moving tables and destroying the place :)
13. What is on the walls of the room you are in?Masks
14. Seen anything weird lately? Erm can't recall anything, but my brain is fried so
15. What is the last film you saw?Pictue Perfect with Jennifer Aniston
16. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?I would live somewhere in the UK or Germany
17. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? I would buy a brand new car, a house with a walk-in wadrobe filled with loads of clothes.
18. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. I have an obsession with masks and dolls
19. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Some songs by Halfway Home
20. Last time you swam in a pool?Phwoar must be about four years ago now
21. Type of music you like most? Mostly the alternative stuff
22. Type of music you dislike most?RAVE!!!!!!
23. What was the last thing you bought?A KitKat Chunky Caramel
24. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?Nope but I want to :)
25. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?Jared Leto or Synyster Gates
26. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?New Look
27. What time is bed time?Any time I get tired
28. How many tattoos do you have?Eight with one upcoming
29. Do you carry a donor card?Yes I do and I'm proud of it
30. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? No one :(
31. Is the glass half empty or half full?Depends what mood I'm in
32. What's the farthest-away place you've been? Gran Canaria
33. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes in primary school year 6
34. Are you a good cook?It depends what I'm cooking
35. How many keys on your key ring?Too many to count and then some
36. What kind of car do you drive?None ate the moment, but soon to be a fiat punto
37. What are your best physical features?My eyes and smile apparently
38. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?Florida, Paris or Venice

One of those days....

Yes. One of those days it is. Were everything annoys me. From the little gasps of breathe coming from my mother's mouth, to the footsteps that make a mouse sound like an elephant. But it's not just the noise that is annoying me, it just the mere presence of people in the same vicinity as me. Knowing that some one is sharing the same oxygen as me, annoys me. Oh how even the word annoy is starting to annoy me. If only I had a remote control that a had a mute button, life would be perfect. Just block out all offending noises.

I wish I had a bubble were I could plop myself into, and hide myself away from the world. You would think I would lock myself in my room, oh how that would be nice. But that would require a lock and some heavy sound-proofing around the house. I'm at the point now were I cannot even name the mood I'm in. It's not anger, frustration or any other negative, its just there.

At least I can vent out to this piece of metal and not get annoyed. Then again....

An Addition to A New Goal

I recently published a post stating that I was going to attempt to write a new poem each week. However a nice friend gave me this and I shall cross them off as I go:

1- Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything, but it should not be about you or your name.

2- Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.

3- Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.

4- Write a haiku. They’re often about nature, but yours can be about anything.

5- Write a three line poem about lemons without using the following words: lemon, yellow, round, fruit, citrus, tart, juicy, peel, and sour.

6- Write a poem of any length incorporating every word from your latest Facebook status.

7- Take a walk until you find a tree you identify with, then write a poem using the tree as a metaphor for yourself or your life.

8- Write a Cinquain on a topic of your choice.

 9- Quickly jot down four verbs, four adjectives, and four nouns. Write a poem using all 12 words.

10- Pick a one line song lyric to serve as an epigraph to your poem. Then, write the poem to accompany it.

11- Write a list poem.

12- Tell your life story in 6 words.

13- Write a short poem that a child would like.

14- Write a bad poem, make it as lousy as you can, do everything wrong, let yourself be awful.

15- Post a poem (written by someone else) that you love (for any reason).

16- Respond to the poem you posted yesterday with a poem of your own.

17- Write a poem that employs a rhyme scheme.

18- Write a poem without any end rhyme, only internal rhyme.

19- Imagine yourself doing any household task/chore, then write a poem using what you’ve imagined as an extended metaphor for writing.

20- Write a narrative poem detailing a specific childhood memory.

21- Choose one of the poems you’ve already written and posted as part of this challenge and re-order it in some way. You could rearrange the lines or stanzas or even words in a line. Think of it as a puzzle!

22- What is the first car you bought/drove/remember? Write a poem about it.

23- Write a seven line poem that begins with “it’s true that fresh air is good for the body” (from Frank O’Hara’s poem “Ave Maria”) and ends with “this is our body” (from Gary Snyder’s “The Bath”).

24- Write a poem that’s different in some way from anything you’ve ever written. Take a chance! Be wild!

25- Write a poem that includes all of the following words: pistachio, ink, pebble, weather, varnish.

26- Gather some magazines/catalogs you don’t mind cutting up and spend ten minutes flipping through them looking for words/sentences that spark your interest. Cut out the words as you go, and (at the end of the ten minutes) arrange the words to form a cut-out poem.

27- Begin with the title “The Poem I’d Never Write.” Then, write that poem.

28- Visit a virtual art gallery and look around until you find a piece that intrigues you. Write a poem inspired by the artwork.

29- Briefly research a poetic form of your choice and write a poem according to the rules of that particular form.

30- Write a poem employing extended metaphor to illustrate the experience of the last thirty days.

So I wonder if I can complete this.  

Dream a Little Dream...

It's strange how dreams are formed. Whether its formed from a memory, something you have read, or something seen in TV. Mine however combined a character from 90210, Sunderland train station, a story from a friend's wonderful imagination and family members. Now what was that dream you ask?


I was walking around Sunderland station with a very old friend of mine when a sheet of paper on the floor caught my eye. It seemed like a perfectly clear, perfectly square piece of paper. But upon inspection, it had little bits of glitter in the corner. My friend decided to rub the paper and some random guy (from 90210) appeared an explained that he needed a task doing. For me to go back in time and change an event. So my friend decided that this piece of paper also allowed you to choose where you wanted to go. Now for the mode of transport that sent you back in time was the NE Metro. How fancy! On this train was some other friends (who they where I do not know), and they sent me to Newcastle. Soon as I was there, I was getting shot at by thugs in cars, on bikes, pedestrians. I managed to avoid each gun shot and chased a shooter into a little shop. I grabbed him by the throat and asked him what the hell he was shooting me for. Turns out the guy who gave me this piece of paper wanted me killed. Well tough luck! I strolled out of the shop and went over the road to the Police Station where I asked to file a complaint against a killer :S. She asked for my national insurance number (which turned out to be my Student Reference Number). All of a sudden I was back in my normal Timeline. I then found out that the Guy who wanted me killed was handing out these Time sheets to people who knew me to go back in time to kill me. I started shouting and screaming at the Camera men calling this guy a traitor and other expletives:P That guy then came over and said "don't be to hard on me...you know how it is" What a dick. I then tried to find my friends on the Metro Time Machine by using a map similar to the Marauder's Map in Harry Potter. But since they where in a different time line. No such luck. I decided to go home and caught up with my brother. I found out he had one of those Time paper things and he had used it. So I went ballistic and starting shouting at him " Why the hell did you do that for? Don't you ever go back in time. I Don't want things to change, nothing is supposed to change. Things happen for a reason!" ...

And then my neighbour's phone woke me up at 6.37am. Not a happy bunny.  Though I wonder if it means anything... :/ x x 

There was a young man....

"Rain rain go away,
Come again another day.
Little Johnny wants to play;
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Never show your face again!"

Though outside it is raining quite heavily and with random bouts of Thunder and Lightning, the weather has actually nothing to what I am about to say. I spend roughly a good few hours a day  trying to find something that I probably threw out to the rubbish many months before. But upon doing so I found some work in one of my folders from the beginning of second year university. 
A tutor told my seminar group to think of a few limericks. Now said seminar group contained quite the number of guys and immature girls. 
This is what happened with my group:

There was a young man from  France,
Who had bees stuck down his pants.
They stung his poor bum,
And made a bad hum.
That poor young man from France.

Not so bad ey...just keep going.

There was a young boy named Nick,
Who had a very small dick.
His pants would fall down,
And he wished he could drown.
That poor little boy named Nick. 

And alas!

There was a young girl called Beth,
Who had unusually bad breathe.
She ate some mints,
Then along came a Prince.
Who said you still have very bad breath.

(I think our group didn't pay attention to the rhythm of the limerick very well)

 
  

I would fly you to the moon and back if you'll be . . . if you'll be my baby.

Now the above quote has nothing to do with this post, I just happen to be listening to the song :) Though it does  kinda fit with my mood of today. Which is great. 

Making plans with someone got me thinking of a place I haven't been for awhile. A beautiful park, where I used to run.  Its wonderful scenery had me inspired for many poems, and also pictures. I'm hoping to go back, even though its a train journey away, just to take some more photographs. Maybe feel inspired once more. 

 I've got a ticket for a world where we, we belong
So would you be my baby?
Savage Garden - To the Moon and Back 

If you couldn't tell... :)

 

Ok this picture should really be stapled onto my forehead. I created my blog account many months ago, I have poorly neglected it. Instead of uploading my thoughts on to this, I simply forgot.


Yeah, I'm very forgetful. Unless its to do with something like NCIS or CSI.
I wonder if theres a day or month where I remember to say something out loud. Make that type. Technicalities.


Here I am rambling about nothing, when in essence I have a lot to say. I forget about my friends sometimes. Yeah I know thats bad but nine times out of ten, I'm dreaming of my own world.
I forget about uni work, but come thats pretty standard for students of today. But when you forget something important like how you feel about someone then you're in trouble. Oh well. I think it's time I brought out the sticky notes and annoy my parents with them. And maybe one day I wont forget to tell that someone how I feel before it's too late.


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting, by the world forgot. 
Alexander Pope.