Almost Comfortably Numb

Not sure that the title of this post actually matches my current mood. I'm probably just numb. Today probably has been added to one of the worst days in my life. Normally I get the sense of how bad a day is going to be soon as I wake up; I normally sleep in or fall out of the bed (quite literally), but today started of like any other.

I don't particularly want to revisit my memories of today as I am simply happy enough that it is over. Yet I need to somehow justify my feelings, or lack of. After today's events, the Middle East has finally won and has tipped me over the edge. Who knows if normality will return? Maybe it won't.

Everything and everyone here is crazy, and that is putting it lightly. Sure you do get some wonderful people, but for the most part, life here sucks. I know that tomorrow will be a different story, so I have to live it out till then. As I always say; let's see what happens.

Life after Books

” but there is this unwritten contract between author and reader and I think not ending your book kind of violates that contract.”
                                        John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I recently read a book by John Green Fault in Our Stars and it was definitely an interesting read. Now I am not going to write a review on this story because I have my opinion and that is mine only. However, it made some interesting points about characters and endings of stories, and it made me question my own thoughts.


When a story is placed upon paper, characters and situations are born. They may not be real in existence, but they are real on the page. They are given a background, a life, a history, upon which they evolve into deeper beings. Simply immortalized in words. They are brought to life through their personalities. We learn their likes, dislikes, their ability to bond with other characters. No being is created from thin air. Even those that maybe only mentioned once or twice, they still play a part. It is this creation that poses a problem. As a reader you form your own opinion of each character, you seem to bond with them, learn to love or hate them. Yet when the problem of the story has been solved and the book comes to a close, you face a problem. Does that story really end there? What happens afterwards? Is the light turned off for good? Are these characters thrown in to a disposal bin of endings?

It was this thought that puzzled me the most. Do we really need to know what happens after that last page has ended, after that last period? If a story ends in a happen ending, is it really necessary to think about them more? The answer is no. They are simply words on a page that have been written for our enjoyment only. They are not biographies of life. They are not real people. It is not realistic to end all stories with a happy ending, the characters living a perfect life with everything resolved and dying peacefully in their sleep. That itself would pose more questions than answers.

 So what if a story ends in the middle, not completing the story. Take Hazel for example, the reader learns everything, if not more, that we need to know as if she was a real being beside us. Yet as the story progresses, so does our attachment to the character. This is our downfall. When the story dramatically ends, with no explanation, we are left with disappointment. What happened next? Did she live happily? Was she cured? The only person who knows is the character herself. Even her creator doesn't know. It is in this ending that we are able to write our own endings. Each one unique as the person next to us. Yes we may still be left with that question , what happened, burning our curiosity bit by bit, but stories life this imitate life perfectly. Just as 'stories end in the middle of a sentence' with no reason, our life can end at any second, without reason and those around will be left asking questions.

It is simply our nature to question everything and not to take it at face value. It is what it is. This is why I think John Green has hit the proverbial nail on the head. I would leave this post in the middle of a sentence, but I do not have the will power to do so.

So I will leave it with this conclusion. Forming your own answers in your mind is more appropriate than reading a solid ending in a story. You can create your own world for these characters, and no one will question it.

qui amatorios affectu - Part 2

Not so long ago I submitted a post describing the feelings that are aroused during my tattoo sessions. However due to other commitments and other activities, I completely forgot to update it. So a month has passed since my last tattoo was coloured in and I believe I am ready to describe that experience to you.

My most recent visit to the tattoo parlour was interesting to say the least. I had the outline done back in February/March time so this venture was simply to complete the design. Yes I can hear you guys saying 'get to the good stuff instead of rambling' but hey I need to set the scene. I don't remember much of the actual sitting to begin with, as I was running straight off my adrenaline.  But then all of a sudden new feelings had been awoken within me. I had finally remembered why I liked getting tattooed.

I could feel the ink gun sketch across my shoulder, in the most sensual way ever. It was like having someone using their fingers to stroke your back. If you are like me, then any way someone touches my back is arousing, so having someone mark me with their ink takes it to a whole new level. At some points in the sitting I could feel a painful burn, but that was subdued when the combination of hands and ink took over my body.

Now just because it feels erotic for me to get a tattoo, it doesn't mean that I will be covering my body any time soon. I would happily let someone take a pen and draw over my body and that would be enough. It is simply more about letting someone have the power to decide what goes onto my body and how they display their art is more sensual to me than the tattoo itself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my tattoos and each of them mean something to me, but if someone asked if they could draw on me I would be even happier.

In the name of...

...love

To let someone go because you loved them and it seemed like the right thing to at the time, is just utter bullsh*t. In my defence, I do believe that I loved him but I never let him go because of that. I let him go because of silly insecurities that got too much. Silly thoughts that crept into my mind way too many times every day.

How is it possible to let a thought consume so much of my daily life is surely baffling. But it's not just this that has my life all in a tizz. January 9th, saw me break my foot after a night out. From then I went through the stages of anger, self-pity, stress, and depression; just in a total of four weeks. It was during this time that I finally had a grasp on my life, of what I actually wanted. The list is as follows:

1) A career. Yes surely that is a given but I actually want to teach. My placement at HMP Durham has been a real eye opener. To see those turn to crime because of their upbringing, or as a student told me "they never got the chance to go to school and stay there", was shocking. I left one lesson with a smile on my face as one had stated " I really enjoyed that lesson Miss, I felt like I learnt something". It made me feel proud, like I had accomplished something.

2) A family. Someday I want to settle down with my own boyfriend/partner/husband, with whatever children I am blessed with. Again, the near loss of my nana opened my eyes to how cruel life can be. One minute your on the road to recovery, just to take what seems like 10 steps back, towards death's door again. Hopefully, my nana will get better soon, and positive energy will be restored into the family. It feels like the full family is drained emotionally. Events like this do make you appreciate what you have, and that you can't take life for granted. Even if it is short, you have to live it.

3) My life. I want to live a life that is mine. Dreams and goals that are mine. But this also includes having a healthy life. I don't want to be really skinny again, that's not me. I just want to be happy and free. I suppose I will feel that way again once the stress of waiting on test results passes, and when my Nana is home again. I want to find happiness with someone. Someone who will let me have my insecurities, but will help me through them, instead of dismissing them like they are nothing. Someone to understand that I need a compromise, not me putting in all the effort to make something work.  Someone that understands I need my space.

I could write a conclusion to this post but its not necessary. I am what I am, and what I want I will achieve. Someday.

Defending Arts and Humanities

Hermeneutics - Traditional hermeneutics is the study of the interpretation of written texts, especially texts in the areas of literature, religion and law.

I was currently browsing the Education sector of The Telegraph and once again a battle of the subjects is raging hot again. It appears that Arts and Humanities are being described as 'useless in the real world ', and here is an interesting point:
however courses such as philosophy and English Literature contribute very little to our economy

I am all for sharing opinions and agreeing that every one has a right to one, but some are pretty darn stupid. Here is why...

Without Philosophy, many of today questions would be unanswered. I am aware I have no background in terms of education with Philosophy, but every one has questions and thoughts about the world. Without it we would simply not be human. As for our economy, the economy runs on questions such as What if? , and If we do this, what would happen? etc.

Now for my background on English Literature.

English literature comes under the headings of Arts, Humanities, and Hermeneutics. Without studying Literature, one would not be able to possess the ability to argue, persuade, defend etc. many laws would be unfinished, religion would not be understandable, and the economy would be different. There are many levels of studying texts, and it contributes a lot more to the economy than the above person thinks. Literature is not just about plays, poetry, novels; it also involves texts such as posters, leaflets, magazines etc. The way you read a newspaper links to the art of study. You scan to read what is important then you make your own opinions, assumptions. That is Literature at its basic. Science uses Literature; take that away and occupations that follow science would be rendered useless.
Without the teachers of English Literature, many people would simply not be able to function in the real world.
So next time you say English Literature is 'useless'. Think again.