That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

Double noted

Post 1
She wanted to apologise for anything she might have said last drunken Friday. She felt like she had something out of place; though everything said was true - he was cute, funny, and seemed like a genuine person.
She knows that a compliment was made to another gentleman, and again that was the truth. When it came to Guns 'n' Roses, she was a huge critic. For the record, the guitar solos he played were exceptional. Not one noticeable mistake was made, well not a mistake that she could here in her drunken state.
Still, as embarrassing as she was, nothing mean was said. She had fun dancing crazy with her shoes off and adventures at 4.30 to McDonald's. It was rather lucky that she didn't send any drunken texts - that would have been a disaster.

Post 2
There it is. The inspiration to write had finally returned. Not sure what happened exactly as it's hard to describe but it's back. I was sat at my usual Saturday night table writing meaningless words when a musical note vibrates through my entire body almost like it's trying to hit my soul. A warm sensation fills me and I know I'm home. As I said, it's difficult to put such a feeling into words. All I can do is send a thank you to the band.

Speaking of which, I owe them a decent review. Maybe next week I can write one for them.

Six month catch-up with MJR

So what is going on in the life of MJR. To be honest, absolutely nothing. Tumble-weed. Actually, tumble-weed probably has more of a life than I do lately. Let's get back to were I last left off - the honeymoon phase. Well that part didn't last long at all as it was over by October, and depression soon reared its' sad ugly head. Nothing really happened during October-December, just drinking and working. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything. However, during my two week vacation, I visited home and it soon made me realise that life in Al Ain wasn't that bad.  I didn't seem to fit in at home, and the atmosphere was terrible. It was nice seeing my family though, even if I did spend most of the time fighting with my parents or sleeping. Since my return to the UAE, I haven't really thought that much about home. Work has kept me on my toes. 12 weeks without a break has finally taken its toll on me. Work consumes five days of my week, and the last two are used for playing the sleep catch-up game. Nothing productive ever happens on Fridays and Saturdays. Work, eat, sleep. Three words that sum up my life quite perfectly. Thankfully, there are only two weeks left and then its vacation time. A much needed vacation time.

Well so far I have climbed a mountain - albeit in a car. The view was amazing, seeing the whole of Al Ain was a spectacular vision. I also attended the first game in the new Al Ain stadium. I hate football but it was a good day out even if I was hungover. The school also allowed us to attend the Red Bull AirRace in Abu Dhabi. Again I hate planes...but the whole twisting and turning and the aerobatic show afterwards was immense.

It's hard to believe that 6months has gone by, and only 4 months till I can visit the UK again. I can't wait to get a decent social life. My personal life here is quite abysmal. Lent has made it quite hard to enjoy the past 10 days as well. No fast food, no chocolate, no alcohol, no pleasures. However, I did cheat - I accidentally ate chocolate courtesy to Sheenal's cake-in-a-cup. It was only due to the fact that I was amazed that a cake could be made in a cup in just 90 seconds. It tasted so delicious. Luckily, the no alcohol rule is still standing. I have been placed in temptations way quite a lot.

Speaking of temptations, the reason why I have used MJR in my post is because of a new nickname that I have acquired during my time here. I normally hate nicknames but this one I kind of like. Obviously it's my initials, but it's simple. Maybe I only liked it because of the person who gave me it. When he says MJR, it's like velvet rolling of his tongue. He is a bass player in the local bar I attend - yeah I seem to attract the bassists - but he's rather sweet when he wants to be. His cute ass has also gotten me in to trouble a few times too. Crazy bitches following him around have expressed their distaste in me knowing him; hey that's another story that could take forever to type up. Anyways enough about him and more about my vacation.

So two weeks and two days off will finally give me a chance to see Dubai. That's right. I have lived here for 6 months and all I have seen is Dubai airport and Abu Dhabi beach. I will be venturing out by myself as the others will be on their holidays in other countries. I don't mind going alone, but some company would be nice. So I've planned for Dubai, Abu Dhabi and maybe Oman if I can fit it in to my budget. Who knows.

Well this is all I can be bothered to type at the moment. I'm sure those that read this have me on social network sites can catch-up with me on there.

Drunken nights and crazy moments

Thursday nights are dedicated to Paco's a local bar in the Hilton, Al Ain. With the crazy atmosphere surrounding you, your body takes on a whole new persona. If someone hands you a drink, you drink it. It's not like at home where you would worry about someone slipping something in it. If someone asks you to dance, you will dance. It's like your body has a mind of its' own.

Many a times I have been out and the next day everything is blurry. You wonder what you got up to, what state you were actually in, how many glasses did you break, and the most importantly how many drinks did you actually have. Me and the girls went out last night to celebrate the leaving of ADEC (Abu Dhabi's equivalent to Ofsted) and all the stresses they brought with them. We had survived the week and we deserved a night out. We actually arrived at Paco's later than we normally would, around 11ish, but we knew we would be out till closing.

Here is where the blurriness appears. I do not remember much except having 2 Bacardi Breezers (hardcore ain't I?) and 2 Baby Guinness -  a strange liquor shot which is pretty darn tasty. I remember one creepy guy trying to grind his way into my and my friend's dancing moments, and I was forever saying no! or ' go away!'. I'm pretty sure the manager spoke to him cause he stayed away from us later on in the night.

It was a strange feeling waking up this morning and I'm pretty sure I was still drunk at 10am. Why you ask? Well I woke up naked and the first though than ran through my head was 'oh fuck, where am I and where are my clothes?'. After panicking for about a few seconds, I realised I was in my own bed, in my own room, by myself. Crazy huh!

I recently posted on facebook that I'm 'not sure if I dreamt it...but I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in a bar with a pillow last night!'. Turns out I did. Apparently one is such a regular at the bar that I can fall asleep there and pillows and blankets will be handed to me to keep me comfy. If I did that in the UK, the manager or security would probably pick me up and put me in a taxi. 

Maybe I can find the girls and see what other shenanigans I got up to last night :)

See you later
 Melissa
x 

Emigrating: 2 Months to go

In response to my leaving, I have decided to spend the rest of my random blogging days talking about my upcoming move. However, my mind is now determined to make me actually realise what I am about to do.The reason for my move is that I have accepted a teaching job in Madar International School teaching English (The actual subject - in the British Curriculum) to Grade 4 learners. The school looks amazing. So I have compiled a pro's and con's list to me emigrating 4165 miles across the world to Al Ain (yes I have told people it's Dubai, but that is the nearest city that people would know) in the UAE.

PRO'S:

• It will be a 'once in a lifetime' experience
• Get to live another culture
• Finally grow up and become independent
• Have a secure job
• All expenses paid for

 CON'S:

• Again 4165 miles away is a lot when I may need mummy or daddy
• I will have to leave my family behind
• Covering up all the time will be a pain (at first)
• I will be on my own in a foreign country
• I hate flying
• I hate injections

 That is all I can think of for the time being, I will add more when I can. However, no matter how long the con list might be, I will still move. The only fear I have is not passing the qualification check. It might sound silly to some as I will have a teaching degree, but knowing my luck I would have the wrong one.
 So for the next two months I will be gong through all the necessary checks, medical included. Hopefully I wont contract HIV/Aids or TB in the following months. That will definitely ruin my plans. It is now just a waiting game. Waiting for the contract to be signed, attested and then I shall be heading the airport to collect my tickets. Not long now. Maybe in another month I shall update my progress. I have packed some of my checked-luggage, and part of my hand-luggage. Just need to buy a few more things (including a suitcase) and I shall be sorted. Oh and I must definitely not forget the sun block...I'd hate to turn into a lobster straight away.

It's Not the End of the World.

Or is it?

Well according to my dream, it may well be.

It was any other normal day at work, just casually pretending to do something productive, when I randomly answer my phone in the middle of the store. It was my brother calling stating that my mother wanted me to come and spend the last final hours on Earth with her. I must have known before I  went to work that the world was going to end as I simply told her to calm down and look after my brother, I was going to be ok. All of a sudden my dream flashed to the sun burning in all its glory heading into the Earth's atmosphere. It was near. I knew it, and so did my bosses. Yet we chose to spend our last moments arranging the clothing rails in order. I sent a final text to my mother saying I loved her, and that we will meet again somewhere. I told my boss that this was where I wanted to be and that I enjoyed working. Me, a female boss, and a male boss seemed to have come to terms with the fact that death was near, since we appeared to be calm. We appeared to be content.

Then I woke up.  I was slightly worried that this was really going to happen, and I got myself into a real tizz about it. After a few moments, being real close to tears and scared for my life, I burst out laughing. Not only have had this dream before, and I noticed it was december 2012, my crush had appearend in this dream. That's when I knew I should never eat before going to sleep.

Part 2...

       Dream number 2 has left me a bit worried. A crush on a member of staff is not going to go well at all, especially when this member of staff is a new addition to the team. My dream was all smiles and tickles - quite literally! What type of guy grabs his co-worker into a hug and starts tickling her in front of customers, very unprofessional. Yet this made me realise nothing would ever happen since it would be very unprofessional indeed. As much as it makes me think, it still hurts especially when another co-worker quite openly state that she would love to be his new gf or something. You know when you get that feeling that your heart sinks into your stomach, yeah that's how I felt when I heard this piece of gossip.

      Oh I also have a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I've been short-listed for a place in Korea doing a TESL course but the problem is that the course starts in March, but my PC-ET course won't have finished in time. Do I waste £8,500 for a chance that I might never get again, but end up getting homesick. Or do I continue with this PC-ET and hope that I can somehow teach abroad at another time. I'm currently trying to persuade my course tutor that I can do both courses at the same time. Crazy idea I know. Lets just hope it works.

Just Another Night Out

It was a staff night out and of course there was drama, love life being tested, and of course new secrets to be told. I for one found out many things last night, which was oddly reminiscent of last years staff night. Now I cannot go into too much detail just in case certain eyes read this, but it turns out my secret from last year was not so much a secret at all.Which is a good thing sort of, but I hope things don't get awkward. Though I did enjoy last night considerably more, and I did find out that men are complete perves! I suppose it was my own fault for opening my mouth about tattoos and piercings. Yes I made a tit (haha) out of myself. Hey who cares though cause it was all the drinks' fault.
I wonder what happens the next time I see everyone.

That Little Trip

Recently me and my best friend Emma went to Amsterdam to celebrate her 21st birthday. Yeah she is classed as old now :).

It was crazy how excited we were to be finally going on holiday without parental or any type of adult supervision. A three day cruise without any rules and curfews from parents. There was one problem though, I had no idea if I got sea-sick or not. What a way to find out. When the ferry left the port, I was so happy that I never felt any sickness, and in my moment of joy I rang my mother. Bad idea. I never realised how fast the boat would go at that moment in time. Turns out I do get sea-sick.

How does one go about curing oneself? Oh yes, visit the help desk. This is how that convesation went:
Me: Excuse me, could I have a se-sickness tablet please?
Crew Member(CM): What's the matter like?
Me: I feel sick since I got here
Emma: Yeah been feeling sick we got on the ferry
CM: Oh so your sea-sick...here take that
******
Me: Well I'm sure I told him I was sea-sick

That conversation was pointless I know.

I wont detail every minute and every hour of our trip just some fun parts.

1) We got crazily drunk on the first night.

2) We got lost in Amsterdam

3) Emma nearly got ran over by a tram lol :P
(sorry no pic for that)

4) I nearly got ran over by a bike
(no pic for that either)

5) We visited a sex museum

6) Me and Emma tried a chocolate brownie :)
That was a bad experience and I never wish to do it again :(

7) I wanted to adopt a turtle but Emma did instead

8) We did the Titanic even though Emma's mam told us not too

9) Visited the Red Light District and bought a T-shirt :)

(yes the phot was taken in England but it was the only photo showing off the t-shirt)





10) Finally we were back in Newcastle Port and I was so happy to see English soil

What Happens When You Have No Sleep

 Apparently, lack of sleep degrades my mind into a sense of mush, and this is what happens during a six hour free at university.

Sat with a pen, forcing out words,

waiting upon inspiration.

Shutting my eyes, thoughts soar like birds -

creating some mean frustration.

Lack of sleep equals distant mind.

Distant mind equals some unknown

or obscure thing to find,

hidden inside my darkest zone.



Elephants, tomatoes, even milkshakes

transform into something fearsome.

Charging forward, and creating earthquakes,

destroying my mind as they come -

screaming and squeeling, more evil sounds.

Who could have known that such simple things

would have the effect of crying clowns,

and what ever nightmare he brings?



Thoughts of being choked, sometimes being stabbed.

More often then enough, I've survived being shot.

Perhaps its my job to be somewhat grabbed

into hostile reality, or perhaps not.

Maybe I'm sane, or just plain crazy

but being a hero kinda sucks.

Or la di da di da di da...maybe

it will earn me some major big bucks.



One may think the above is my sleep,

once my eyes have closen.*

In reality its more than a sweep

of crazy daydozin*.



* yes I know these words aren't real!

Dream a Little Dream...

It's strange how dreams are formed. Whether its formed from a memory, something you have read, or something seen in TV. Mine however combined a character from 90210, Sunderland train station, a story from a friend's wonderful imagination and family members. Now what was that dream you ask?


I was walking around Sunderland station with a very old friend of mine when a sheet of paper on the floor caught my eye. It seemed like a perfectly clear, perfectly square piece of paper. But upon inspection, it had little bits of glitter in the corner. My friend decided to rub the paper and some random guy (from 90210) appeared an explained that he needed a task doing. For me to go back in time and change an event. So my friend decided that this piece of paper also allowed you to choose where you wanted to go. Now for the mode of transport that sent you back in time was the NE Metro. How fancy! On this train was some other friends (who they where I do not know), and they sent me to Newcastle. Soon as I was there, I was getting shot at by thugs in cars, on bikes, pedestrians. I managed to avoid each gun shot and chased a shooter into a little shop. I grabbed him by the throat and asked him what the hell he was shooting me for. Turns out the guy who gave me this piece of paper wanted me killed. Well tough luck! I strolled out of the shop and went over the road to the Police Station where I asked to file a complaint against a killer :S. She asked for my national insurance number (which turned out to be my Student Reference Number). All of a sudden I was back in my normal Timeline. I then found out that the Guy who wanted me killed was handing out these Time sheets to people who knew me to go back in time to kill me. I started shouting and screaming at the Camera men calling this guy a traitor and other expletives:P That guy then came over and said "don't be to hard on me...you know how it is" What a dick. I then tried to find my friends on the Metro Time Machine by using a map similar to the Marauder's Map in Harry Potter. But since they where in a different time line. No such luck. I decided to go home and caught up with my brother. I found out he had one of those Time paper things and he had used it. So I went ballistic and starting shouting at him " Why the hell did you do that for? Don't you ever go back in time. I Don't want things to change, nothing is supposed to change. Things happen for a reason!" ...

And then my neighbour's phone woke me up at 6.37am. Not a happy bunny.  Though I wonder if it means anything... :/ x x 

Heaven or Hell

Now after reading Milton's Paradise Lost, I have come to the conclusion that when Judgment Day is upon us, I wish to go to Hell. It may seem that this is the worst possible choice that a person can make but I can't bring myself to care.


Milton says that it's very quiet in Heaven. The word "silent" is repeated several times. The heavenly choir is there, but it is mute. It seems that is all a bit too perfect even for Milton to describe.Everyone is standing around just looking at God:


"From his sight received/Beatitude past utterance" (Book 3, l.62)  


And for this reason, why go to Heaven if there is no passion, no noise, just peace and quiet. Didn't God say that in Heaven we can have anything yet people are just standing like statues. 
I'd rather go to hell and live in a state of pandemonium. Where I can feel passion and have fantastical conversations.