Break-Down or Panic?

I was choking, asphyxiated by the blackness of the room. I was paralysed by the fear and I had no idea why.Next thing, tears were falling down my face. Had I reached my breaking point? Had the stress of the past few years and the fear of the unknown finally got to me? Or was it something different?

Let's start at the beginning, and find the way forward. Sleep hasn't been easy for the past week. The stormy weather had me on edge. The floods were not the scariest, it was the thunder, the lightning, the loneliness. I had to not freak out, I had to be strong for the children around me at the time. Yet soon as I was alone, I screamed. I cried. I panicked. I honestly thought it was the end.

That was 5 days ago. Now I can't sleep, for an unknown reason. My light stays on as a source of comfort, because the darkness freaks me out. I close my eyes, I see flashes of light. I open them and I'm paranoid of the shadows in my room. I even checked under the small gap in my bed. I've checked the closets, even the ones I have to reach by standing on a chair. All doors stay shut so I know if someone or something has been. Even cleaning my floordrobe hasn't helped. In fact it's made it worse. The little sleep I do get, it spoiled by the creakiness of my bed, or the constant tossing and turning. The constant fear of something going on while my eyes are closed.
Somehow, even through all of this, I still try to smile at work. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm breaking inside. I want to be happy and fun. I don't want to be the serious one. I don't want them to think its all attention seeking like "friends" have said in the past. I don't want them to know the ins and outs of my insanity.  They have already been dealt a crappy hand with my panic attacks over thunder.

I'm not sure if I'm breaking or just panicking. Maybe its just the lack of sleep that's driving me over the edge.  I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and feel happy on the inside.

The Killer Dream

The last post I had written was also on the topic of dreams, but this one takes a different direction altogether.

Dreams. What are they? Are dreams our subconscious unloading the day's events in a weird visual representation? Are they a mixture of memories and wishes combined into a nonsensical way to help pass time while you sleep? No-one really knows the truth about dreams, only you. It is only you that lives to recall the dream as they are but a product of your imagination. Yet if that statement is true as such, then why do you have nightmares? Why would you wish to wake up with a sense of fear? Can you not control what images you view each night? Dreams are indeed peculiar.

Instead of feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep, you spend your waking moments trying to decode the happenings of your sleep. Though the question begs to be asked; what happens when your dreams are simply but a result from stress? Stress can do strange things to your body and it can dangerously affect your mental state. Sleep finds it hard to escape from. Instead, it unleashes a hellish variety of sleep disorders ranging from insomnia to sleep apnoea, RLS to narcolepsy. It is mixed into these disorders a strange act can be found - sleep paralysis. Have you ever woken suddenly, filled with dread and fear? Have you noticed something or someone in your room but you can't move from your spot in bed? Have you tried to scream? Did you notice that trying to blink proved futile. Quite literally you are paralysed. Science suggests that your brain has 'woken up' before REM (rapid eye movement - the time in which you dream) has finished and that the signal to your body to release itself from the 'switched off' mode has been delayed. Due to this delay, you can experience hallucinations, fear and even the feeling of death. Yet a simple solution to unparalyse yourself its to convince your body its still dreaming and within a few seconds, body movement can be restored. It is said that each person will experience this at least once in their lifetime. But what happens when your dream is a lot more sinister than waking up before REM?

Imagine the feeling of someone that is trying to kill you in your sleep. You will simply 'wake up' and everything would be fine. But what if that doesn't happen? As much as you try to jerk yourself awake, the dream deepens. A ghostly figure, or even a face you recognise, seems to take pleasure in your struggle. They wrap their hands around your neck, apply a force to your chest that restricts your breathing. You can feel your ribs aching under the pressure. You know it's a dream but everything you have been taught to do, doesn't work. You try to move more, screaming till you are at the point of tears, but no sound comes out. It's too late to calm down now and work out a logical way to escape the nightmare. You have passed the point of no return. What feels like hours, is simply minutes or even seconds, you finally break free from the gripping hold. However, the terror does not end there. You finally awaken to soaked bed sheets from your on sweat and tears. Your hands are still grasped tightly into your duvet. You are still paralysed with fear. Every noise in your room triggers more panic. You are afraid to stay awake, yet you dare not to close your eyes  in case the evilness returns. You know it will. It always does. Instead you lay perfectly still, as though you were dead, waiting for the dread to pass. You wait until the moment you feel safe to sleep again, though that wait may take up to an hour or two. Finally, you take the risk and fall into a restless sleep. The memory of that dream never fades. You will remember that dream ten years from now. On thing for sure, your next attack won't come as a shock. It's still an horrible experience though, but your body knows how to respond.

If you're like me, then you do expect more to come. It becomes a natural event, a simple reoccurring dream, like the rest. What you don't expect though, is to have two episodes in one night. You manage to break from from one but are then pulled straight into the next. Reality becomes distorted. You become afraid that you will never free the cycle. Your chest feels like it's being crushed. You can feel your tears run down your cheeks, yet its impossible to wipe them away. You are being held captive by your own body and mind. You wonder if you are going to survive the night. Reality slips away even further when another figure joins in on your torture. Just when you feel like giving up, a last final jolt brings you back to life. Did you just die? It sure felt like it. There would be no point in sleeping now as another dream would surely kill you. That's a definite.

This is all but a vicious cycle; being frightened of sleeping, the tired you become, which then produces these terrors. The lack of sleep and the stress of life may prove too much.

Almost Comfortably Numb

Not sure that the title of this post actually matches my current mood. I'm probably just numb. Today probably has been added to one of the worst days in my life. Normally I get the sense of how bad a day is going to be soon as I wake up; I normally sleep in or fall out of the bed (quite literally), but today started of like any other.

I don't particularly want to revisit my memories of today as I am simply happy enough that it is over. Yet I need to somehow justify my feelings, or lack of. After today's events, the Middle East has finally won and has tipped me over the edge. Who knows if normality will return? Maybe it won't.

Everything and everyone here is crazy, and that is putting it lightly. Sure you do get some wonderful people, but for the most part, life here sucks. I know that tomorrow will be a different story, so I have to live it out till then. As I always say; let's see what happens.

I have a flesh coloured tattoo..

"I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible)."


I am a ghost, no word of a lie.  I'm not a ghost in the typical sense since I am alive,but I do appear to be invisible. The reason for this, let me explain. You see, there have been times when I spend my Thursday or Friday nights out socializing with staff or friends and they have all accused me the day after for not being there. They could have a full blown conversation, but would not remember it the next day. 

A similar thing had happened recently. Now I'm not sure how I feel about it. Yes, I laughed it off and was dubbed the 'ghost' but it's starting to wear me down. Am I really that bad at company that I don't make a lasting impression on anyone?  All I know is, that besides this little setback, I am still having fun. Last week had been a blast though; accidentally spilling drinks, getting wasted and dancing the night away.  I even found a small gap in my schedule to write something. It was during my writing night out that I had been asked if I had written anything on the local band and it got my brain working over-time. Why had I not wrote anything about them? I normally write about every local band I listen to. Was I that scared to erase the memory of the last band? Was I refusing to write a piece in the hope that they would never be as good as the previous? Whatever the reason, I feel as though I need to do a segment now. 

Bolt. My initial reaction was that of shock. I hear about them during my summer vacation period. All that was running through my mind when I heard their name was the Miley Cyrus movie with the superstar dog of the same name. Clearly, I had been hanging around children for too long. Yes I was being judgmental; I was yet to here them play and I was still getting used to the idea of a band change. As I have said before, I don't do particularly well with change unless I have control over the situation. I wasn't that nice in my thoughts either. However, once I heard them play the first night I was back in Al Ain, it was nice having that change in music. I became accustomed to listening to the same playlist every Thursday night. I even knew what song would come next. What really surprised me was the change in instruments! I had been told it would be a fun set but I never really expected it to be so. One change was the removal of the Bassist and the introduction of a keyboard player. That was better for me personally. Another, was the saxophone - rather refreshing if I'm honest!

The track-listing had changed too! I heard through the grapevine that they had been told not to play certain songs. It was rather nice to sing a particular song that you hadn't listened to in a while. The band members themselves came from all corners of the globe and brought with them their own personality. 
The band members have now changed. A new line up for the new year. In all honesty they seem to fit better together now. 

I would like to write more about this band but I simply do not have the inspiration anymore. Even my Saturday night routine has flown out of the window and would rather spend the night sleeping. I guess I lack my muse; the banter and distractions must have provided me with some ability to override the writers block I currently have. 

On that note, I will try to write something again soon. My mind is not used to storing all this useless drabble. 

29.08.2013

This was the day that would forever change my life.

I didn’t get much sleep the night before – which is quite normal when you are anxious for the upcoming events. I woke up on the Thursday roughly about six am feeling fine. Getting dressed, finishing off my packing, making sure I had everything and still my stomach was fine. Things were looking good.

My uncle decided he was driving my mother, grandfather and I to the airport. This was the first time we had a sort of outing together in a family; what a time to do it. The journey to Newcastle International was pleasant enough. The family laughing and chatting away to each other, getting lost even when using the Sat Nav, everything was great.

Shortly afterwards, we were there. It started to rain. The rain appeared as soon as we hit the airport and I took that as an omen for what was going to happen; a bad omen. Since I had checked in online and printed out my boarding pass already it seemed like everything was going my way. My checked/cabin luggage weighed under the limit, my visa passed through ok and soon enough I received my flight ticket. Seat 26C on board the Emirates aircraft – a seat I had chosen myself.

I said goodbyes to my family just before the security check, making sure I didn’t cry in front of the family. I’m quite positive that if I cried, I would back out and head home. Getting my passport ready, I could feel my heart starting to beat out of my chest. It would appear that my nerves had finally arrived. Even the Security officer had noticed on my ‘flushed’ appearance.  I explained that I hadn’t flown in five years and in return I received a sympathetic look. This was where my bad luck decided to shine.

Reaching the luggage control, I placed my items into the given trays. I even made sure that my laptop was screened separately, my coat pockets were empty and my jewellery was removed. Time for the scanner, and of course it decided to beep as I walked through. All I could think of was fabulous. All I heard after was ‘please remove your shoes and watch’. Watch. Of course I left my watch on. Five minutes later the female officer had decided I had been frisked enough and let me through and it was time to collect my belongings. I quickly tried to repack my cabin bag squeezing everything in, and then I realised ‘where was my phone at?’  I searched through my bag, my pockets and to no avail it wasn’t there. Luckily a security officer had found it still in the tray that someone else had put back.

Finally, after a shaky start, I headed through to the departure section of the airport. I found my flight on the screens dotted around and saw that I had plenty of time to relax, to chill out. I headed towards an empty seat and munched on the sandwiches I had made earlier that day. As much as I wanted to feel relaxed, my mind simply wouldn’t let me. My hands were all shaky and sweaty. My stomach all twisted and knotted. My heart exploding in my chest was the final straw. I headed round to the entrance of the departure gates and rang my mum. I had five minutes to go and even she wasn’t enough of a comfort to me.

Flight EK036 to Dubai is now boarding at gate 26.

Making my way down the stairs, my nerves were reaching an all-time high. Alone, scared, nervous – not a good combination. Then a tear escaped. Not now. Please don’t cry in front of all these people I told myself.  After what felt like a long moment in time, my seat number was called. This was it; time to get on that plane. As soon as I hit the fresh air, more tears made their way down my cheek. I wanted to run back inside. Did I have to fly? I hated flying to begin with, but when flying with family it was almost easier. Here I had no-one and I was to be sat beside two strangers. I finally made it up the wobbly steps to the plane and to my seat; the tears had finally subsided. For how long though? I tried to focus on the screen in front of me, and even that seemed to mock me. Since technology had improved, the aircraft designers thought that they would install cameras around the outside of the plane so the passengers could watch the world pass by.

13.35 and it was time to take off. Well soon as the plane was moved into position on the runway, I broke down. I quietly cried into my scarf trying to disguise my emotions. It must have been more obvious than I thought as one air hostess tried to give me a reassuring smile from the other side of the plane, and one male cabin crew put his hand on my shoulder and asked ‘Are you okay honey’. I simply nodded my head. It was all I could manage without screaming ‘get me off this plane!’

Newcastle airport started to speed past as the plan made its way up in the air. My stomach dropped as I realised there was no going back now. The stranger next to me patted my on the arm and said ‘it’s okay, you will be fine’.  I explained the situation I was in and suddenly I felt fine. Sure the nervousness of flying was there, but every word the lady next to me had said reassured me.

Seven hours had finally gone by and it was time to land. I didn’t cry much on the way back down to the ground, but as the wheels hit the runaway I panicked. I remember all the previous landings I had ever been a part of but not once was there a screech of the wheels hitting the tarmac and the plane swaying to one side. You could actually feel the plane tip slightly as the pilot tried to steady its balance.  I would be grateful when my feet would feel the ground again.

Skipping ahead a few minutes of getting lost, I made my way towards passport control. Half an hour later it was my turn for my passport to be checked. Due to the nature of my eye-sight I have to wear glasses, but it was clear this was inappropriate for me to do at this moment in time. To make sure the person in the passport was definitely me, I had to remove the glasses and have my face run a smart facial recognition programme. The officer stamped my visa and my passport and I was on my way. Just as I entered terminal 5 at baggage claim, I saw my suitcase make its way around the carousel. The timing couldn’t be any more perfect.  And as luck would have it, the bad luck came flying through.

I had been told previously that a member of staff would be collecting me from the airport, but what they had failed to mention was where he/she would be meeting me exactly. Well after two hours of searching, crying, stressing and panicking I found my name amongst the crowd. The person definitely was not happy to see me. ‘Two hours I wait for you’. I just apologised and said I got lost. What more could I do. Turn back the time? The journey from Dubai International to my accommodation was unpleasant and scary. The driver was a maniac – swerving on the roads, nearly swiping the sides of other cars and driving with no hands sometimes. I sure felt like my time was up and I was to die on the roads of the UAE.

Ninety minutes later I had arrived at Madar School Accommodation. It was 4am before I reached room 116. I was happy just to have a bed at that moment in time. Locking the door behind and dumping my suitcase in the middle of the floor, I collapsed on the bed. That was enough for one night.

10 Things I Hate about You

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair...

So here is my list:

1. I hate that you the way you dress
2. I hate the way you smile
3. I hate that you're always depressed/angry
4. I hate that you have no goal in life
5. I hate that you give no passion
6. I hate that you lied to me
7. I hate the fact you never turned me on (yes I faked it)
8. I hate the way you live your life
9. I hate the way you didn't attempt to see me
10. I hate everything about you.
    

Crush, Crush, Crush

“I didn't want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there's a lot of difference.” 
― Ernest Hemingway


I am seriously fed up with men right now. Maybe it's my fault since I'm slightly high maintainence, or apparently a stuck up bitch; but if the opposite sex decided to help out instead of making me do all the work, then I wouldn't have this problem. Yes, I have a car; but that does not mean that I will do all the travelling. Oh and posting things on a certain social network site with another girl just makes me hate you, and want to forget you. However, this is not the main issue I have. There is this one guy that gets under my skin in a very annoying way, and is driving me insane; yet a sort of crush is developing. We met and an instant dislike was made. Talking to me like a child instantly put him in my bad books, but recently his company hasn't been too bad.  It's not like I can tell the guy since it would be highly innappropriate, what with work and his possible other half. Also work is kind of awkward as it is at the moment.
As for the quote, I have never kissed my crush at all, never mind goodbye or goodnight, but it sort of represents how I feel right now. Oh and the dreams are worth going to sleep for. Though the dreams are for another post.

Why Bother?

So stressed out right now, and it seems like nothing is going right for me. Love life sucks, work is depressing me, and uni is going down the drain. Lets break things up and go into a bit more detail.

1) Work:

Well, for one thing not enough hours at work annoys me then when I get the hours,  I get pissed off. Urgh can't win at all.  Though I'm not surprised since I wreck the place with my clumsiness. Monday saw me stabbing my thumb repeatedly with the pins, ripped my nail off, walked into a wall of bike boxes, fell over a stand. The list is endless.

2) Uni:

Placement hasn't started yet and I'm already freaking out. I'm behind every one in terms of experience and I'm dreading my micro-teach next week. I have no idea what to do.

3) Love-life:

Well, that one is a bummer. And all my friend said was that I need to get laid. How eloquent and nice. Though it might actually help, I'm not in the mood for shitty guys.


I just can't be bothered for anything at the moment, except for a good night out on the town and let loose abit. 

Just One Huge Rant

I give up. I really do.

Today I realised I have blogged much these past few months and I've celebrated with this complaint. What the heck am I doing with my life? I seem to be living my life with other people's expectations. They want me to be this, that, or the other not taking into consideration what I want. I want to be a prison tutor, but no, apparrently I'm too weak or too much of a pushover to even succeed. Either that or I'm more likely to sleep with one of my students. Great judgement of my life. Why do people need to feel like they have to judge me, or mock what I want to do? Is their life that boring that they feel the need to belittle mine? That, I do not have the answer to.

Another point I'd like to make is my love life. This is were I get a little hypocritical. I expect my love to trust and respect me but I can't seem to trust him. Well not so much him, but others around. Low self esteem and confidence issues have taken control (well thats one excuse thats highly used), the other reason is I know how the majority of skanks work. How can I say to someone I love, yes love, that I don't like him having a life outside of me when there is a lot of temptation around? Oh I hate the label boyfriend and girlfriend too. Just so tacky and overused. Once labels have been placed people expect you to act a certain way, compromise, and basically give up your life to be with that person. Believe me I've seen it happen. You get caught up in a bubble and once an outsider worms their way in, everything changes. Why others feel the need to invade a bubble of which is not theirs I have no idea. Again it all comes down to expectations.

People expect me to be able to read minds, to be perfectly happy all the time, to be normal. Well I'm afraid the more expectations you have of me, the more it those expectations will be thrown out of the window or down a drain somewhere.
Oh and a final thing, why do people constantly make plans with me when they know they are going to make up some bullshit excuse and cancel!

Love from an angry person

A Little Piece of Quiet...

....is all I fricking ask for!

Sunday is the worst day of the week ever. Work requires me to be up at 6.15am so I can set off at 6.45an to get to work for 7.45am. It is not so much the getting up that causes me problems, but its the effects that is has on my day. I do not function before 10am; I can just barely stand up and produce coherent sentences.My shift finishes at roughly 12.15pm so the shift itself is not that bad, it is either a) the customers during my shift or b) what happens when I get home.

My bus is normally late on a Sunday, arriving ten minutes after it states on the timetable. So if one was to add multiple roadworks and temporary traffic lights in to the mix, I get annoyed. Luckily I don't have to wait around for dinner, as my mum is lovely and cooks it for when I walk through the door. My Sunday Roast was delicious today so no complaints there. About 2pm every Sunday I like to have a nap; 6.15am Sunday mornings and Monday mornings mean they are necessary. My naps are where I shall be complaining.

Really is it necessary to open and close the same door multiple times in the space of five minutes (that is no exaggeration). What the hell is so important in the fridge or freezer that you need to visit it so many goddamn times. Other days the noise that is made does not bother me, but nap time equals quiet time. So stop disturbing me.  Oh another thing, when I get my own house I want a house that isn't attached to another. I don't want neighbours. The walls are so thin, that I can hear my neighbour, scrape the chairs across the either tiled or linoleum flooring in the kitchen, or the stomping of elephant feet up the stairs. I can even tell who the culprit of the latter is. He is well known for the unnecessary loudness of his speech, his music and his walking. Oh don't forget the giggles after he sneezes. Might as well blow the roof off the house while your there mate!

I know it seems like I'm asking for too much, but I get shouted at all the time for making noise when my mother is asleep. Hello, please even the same courtesy back please. And my neighbours please tell your grandson to shut the f*ck up!

Rant over.
Off to try and have a nap.
P.s I am tired so I get annoyed more easily at unnecessary things.
(As I typed this, the neighbours door slammed that hard by room shook, and is constantly banging that I do not have clue what is going on!)

Falling down

What a good few weeks I have had. It all began about three weeks ago when I went over on my ankle. I refused treatment due to previous experience. My left ankle has a lot of fractures that havent healed correctly. So in turn I have a very weak ankle which means a lot of falling over.
These past three weeks have been pure agony. I never rested my ankle as I should have because of a busy schedule. A week later I twisted it again and the stairs at work. And on Tuesday my ankle gave out on the way down my home stairs and I ended up falling and completey bruised my back, bottom and some how my stomach. I even grazed my nose. Two days later and I still feel like I've been hit by a truck.
I think its time to visit a&e I think.

Cause it's all in my head.

Well apparently it is anyway.

After many years google has actually diagnosed me correctly in match with my doctor's diagnosis.
I'm not sure when it started but I remember each day becoming worse at meal times. I would sit in my normal place in the living room, processing the food in my mouth when I would notice a family member eating quite loudly. Now this family member does have manners but for some reason, it just started to annoy me. Id give him slight looks as to say "please eat a bit quieter" but it didn't work. Then after that any noise would begin to aggravate me. The breathing through ones nose felt like someone breathing deeply into my ear. When one would sigh abnormally when moving or just through boredom, it felt like my nerves were on fire. Suddenly any noise would become annoying. My mother has sinus problems and hay fever so she sniffs quite regularly, yet to me it seemed that it was too often and unnecessary to do so.

It wasn't just my family members that aggravated me, I found it quite hard to be around people when they ate. Even people on a train sneezing, coughing, sighing. Any noise possible made me feel angry and I needed to run away and hide. I found myself distancing from everyone and locking myself up in my room. But even then I couldn't escape the noises. When someone would brush their teeth, the running water would driving me to tears. It was like I had become trapped in a nightmare of loudness.

Years passed at the sensitivity to noises became worse. Now every time someone eats, smacks their lips, breathes slightly heavier than normal etc. I actually imagine myself shaking them or hitting them to be quiet. I have even cried myself at night cause I cannot stand to be around my family sometimes.

One day, my mam jokingly suggested I look up my "annoyance at noises" on Google and I came across the term 'Misophonia'. I thought it was a made up disorder at first but through extensive research, I realised this was a real thing. Many times I believed I was being selfish, fussy, or just plain moody, but instead there was an answer to my problems. I even read real life experiences and joined a Facebook group on the disorder, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone in the world.

Yet those who suffer with Misophonia deal with the problem I have everyday; people who laugh, mock and ignore what we have. It is a real disorder and it is not something to take lightly. Even many doctors believe there is no such thing. But how can so many people suffer with Misophonia and still be ignored and dismissed so easily. One day I hope this disorder can be treated successfully, instead of being passed around from one doctor to another who clearly don't have a clue. Until then, I will have to deal with society. I do not want to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.

Giggle Time

It came at a point in the day where I decided to check my emails, and happened to notice the web clip toolbar showed an inspirational quote. It was that inspirational that I have forgotten what it said. But I did however click on the link and found this:
Comforts and syphilis are the greatest enemies of mankind. 
Alexis Carrel

And me being me, got a little sidetracked at just started looking for a few funny and life changing quotes. And here are a select few that got me tickled :)

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. 
Jay Leno

Yet, it is these little things that keep me from tearing my hair out.
Well I'm off to find some more quotes :)
Bye for now
x

Tissues and Bless you's

If you haven't guessed by the title, I'm ill. I feel like I'm having the "man flu" as I currently going through the 'Oh no! I'm dying. I am so ill that I cannot function my daily life. ' well maybe not to that exact degree, but I am carrying around alot of tissues and complaining haha.
Currently I am watching Made in Chelsea. Yes I know it is a rather boring wannabe reality star type program, but the phrases they come out with are pretty funny for example

Francis: I have brought some protection for you
Girl he is on date with: I'm well protected dont worry
Francis: Its good to be protected....especially for your first time.

And it is not what your thinking of, in fact they are speaking about knee pads and skate-boarding. Hmmm but I do believe there was some kind of hidden meaning there.

Oh well, of to get some more tissues and I do believe this was a pointless post, but who cares. Cause me doesnt!

Tootles
x

  

Arguments.

ar·gu·ment/ˈärgyəmənt/
Noun:

1. An exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one: "I've had an argument with my father".
    
2. A reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong.

I have just had an argument with my neighbour. Her grandson thinks it hilarious to annoy me with his music. I for one could not care less that he plays music but what I do care is when I can hear it, the constant loud thudding of bass and the repetitive tune blasting through the walls. It isn't hard to consider the other person's feelings and play music at a decent level. Its not like I'm asking him to turn it off.

Oh and apparently I need to show some respect!. Me respect. I have respected the stupid little twat by not going to the police, council or my dad (yeah my dad is quite possibly the scariest man when angry). I have respected the kid when I have to be up for 6 am and he's decided to play music until 1/2 am. I even respected him by not saying anything to his Nana when he demolished the house when having an argument with his girlfriend at 12:43 am and decided to pretty much break down the front door of my house the next day when his Nana found out about his little antics.

Well that is it. I had enough. I sent an email to him explaining I would put in a formal complaint about his noise levels if he wasn't to show me some consideration. And then I stupidly told my dad about what I had done and what his reply was.
Big mistake.

My dad decided to have a go at my lovely neighbour Pat about her grandson. Now normally we can settle such disputes very easily but my dad just had to get involved and act like a big hard man (when in fact he's more of a dick). Poor neighbour won't even speak to my mam or me now. Thanks a lot. A good solid friendship has been spoilt because my dad couldn't leave things be.

In fact, he's still blabbering on about it downstairs right now.

One of those days....

Yes. One of those days it is. Were everything annoys me. From the little gasps of breathe coming from my mother's mouth, to the footsteps that make a mouse sound like an elephant. But it's not just the noise that is annoying me, it just the mere presence of people in the same vicinity as me. Knowing that some one is sharing the same oxygen as me, annoys me. Oh how even the word annoy is starting to annoy me. If only I had a remote control that a had a mute button, life would be perfect. Just block out all offending noises.

I wish I had a bubble were I could plop myself into, and hide myself away from the world. You would think I would lock myself in my room, oh how that would be nice. But that would require a lock and some heavy sound-proofing around the house. I'm at the point now were I cannot even name the mood I'm in. It's not anger, frustration or any other negative, its just there.

At least I can vent out to this piece of metal and not get annoyed. Then again....

Become the Part We Both Love to Hate

 

Me.

I like to be alone.

No one around.

No Sound.

Just me.

I like to be imaginative.

Live in a dream world.

My Own Place.

Just me.

You.

You spoilt this.

You are the man in my nightmares,

You are the haunting.

Just you.

You.

Are the knife in my veins.

The blackness in my soul.

The darkness of my mind.

Just you.

You.

Turn Love to Hate.

Pure to Black.

Life to Death

You.

Cause everything pain.

The evil within a smile.

Cause the innocence grief.

You

And me.

Are different 

The Burn

Curse you,

You immortal child -

You demon of life.

Damn you

To the unending of Hell;

And the beginning of pain.

Vex you,

You impetious life

With a heart of stone.

Blight you,

You little imp, you sprite

Of fire and ice.

You have the face of an Angel,

But the soul of hate.

Those that cant show warmth and joy to you,

Only show your reflection of pain.

The carcass of your face,

(Once was the skin of a saint)

Crumbles before your very eyes.

The Angle soon begins to fade.

No longer the Angel,

So pure not tainted.

Now becomes the demon -

Ill-spirited and evil