It's Not the End of the World.

Or is it?

Well according to my dream, it may well be.

It was any other normal day at work, just casually pretending to do something productive, when I randomly answer my phone in the middle of the store. It was my brother calling stating that my mother wanted me to come and spend the last final hours on Earth with her. I must have known before I  went to work that the world was going to end as I simply told her to calm down and look after my brother, I was going to be ok. All of a sudden my dream flashed to the sun burning in all its glory heading into the Earth's atmosphere. It was near. I knew it, and so did my bosses. Yet we chose to spend our last moments arranging the clothing rails in order. I sent a final text to my mother saying I loved her, and that we will meet again somewhere. I told my boss that this was where I wanted to be and that I enjoyed working. Me, a female boss, and a male boss seemed to have come to terms with the fact that death was near, since we appeared to be calm. We appeared to be content.

Then I woke up.  I was slightly worried that this was really going to happen, and I got myself into a real tizz about it. After a few moments, being real close to tears and scared for my life, I burst out laughing. Not only have had this dream before, and I noticed it was december 2012, my crush had appearend in this dream. That's when I knew I should never eat before going to sleep.

Crush, Crush, Crush

“I didn't want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there's a lot of difference.” 
― Ernest Hemingway


I am seriously fed up with men right now. Maybe it's my fault since I'm slightly high maintainence, or apparently a stuck up bitch; but if the opposite sex decided to help out instead of making me do all the work, then I wouldn't have this problem. Yes, I have a car; but that does not mean that I will do all the travelling. Oh and posting things on a certain social network site with another girl just makes me hate you, and want to forget you. However, this is not the main issue I have. There is this one guy that gets under my skin in a very annoying way, and is driving me insane; yet a sort of crush is developing. We met and an instant dislike was made. Talking to me like a child instantly put him in my bad books, but recently his company hasn't been too bad.  It's not like I can tell the guy since it would be highly innappropriate, what with work and his possible other half. Also work is kind of awkward as it is at the moment.
As for the quote, I have never kissed my crush at all, never mind goodbye or goodnight, but it sort of represents how I feel right now. Oh and the dreams are worth going to sleep for. Though the dreams are for another post.

Cause it's all in my head.

Well apparently it is anyway.

After many years google has actually diagnosed me correctly in match with my doctor's diagnosis.
I'm not sure when it started but I remember each day becoming worse at meal times. I would sit in my normal place in the living room, processing the food in my mouth when I would notice a family member eating quite loudly. Now this family member does have manners but for some reason, it just started to annoy me. Id give him slight looks as to say "please eat a bit quieter" but it didn't work. Then after that any noise would begin to aggravate me. The breathing through ones nose felt like someone breathing deeply into my ear. When one would sigh abnormally when moving or just through boredom, it felt like my nerves were on fire. Suddenly any noise would become annoying. My mother has sinus problems and hay fever so she sniffs quite regularly, yet to me it seemed that it was too often and unnecessary to do so.

It wasn't just my family members that aggravated me, I found it quite hard to be around people when they ate. Even people on a train sneezing, coughing, sighing. Any noise possible made me feel angry and I needed to run away and hide. I found myself distancing from everyone and locking myself up in my room. But even then I couldn't escape the noises. When someone would brush their teeth, the running water would driving me to tears. It was like I had become trapped in a nightmare of loudness.

Years passed at the sensitivity to noises became worse. Now every time someone eats, smacks their lips, breathes slightly heavier than normal etc. I actually imagine myself shaking them or hitting them to be quiet. I have even cried myself at night cause I cannot stand to be around my family sometimes.

One day, my mam jokingly suggested I look up my "annoyance at noises" on Google and I came across the term 'Misophonia'. I thought it was a made up disorder at first but through extensive research, I realised this was a real thing. Many times I believed I was being selfish, fussy, or just plain moody, but instead there was an answer to my problems. I even read real life experiences and joined a Facebook group on the disorder, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone in the world.

Yet those who suffer with Misophonia deal with the problem I have everyday; people who laugh, mock and ignore what we have. It is a real disorder and it is not something to take lightly. Even many doctors believe there is no such thing. But how can so many people suffer with Misophonia and still be ignored and dismissed so easily. One day I hope this disorder can be treated successfully, instead of being passed around from one doctor to another who clearly don't have a clue. Until then, I will have to deal with society. I do not want to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.

It's quiet days like these that make me ponder, how much life is valuable each day and to one another. 
I was told once that a life stolen, is another life gained. Or for every every death, there is a birth. But why are the good ones taken, are the bad ones born?
We miss you. 
x