Cause it's all in my head.

Well apparently it is anyway.

After many years google has actually diagnosed me correctly in match with my doctor's diagnosis.
I'm not sure when it started but I remember each day becoming worse at meal times. I would sit in my normal place in the living room, processing the food in my mouth when I would notice a family member eating quite loudly. Now this family member does have manners but for some reason, it just started to annoy me. Id give him slight looks as to say "please eat a bit quieter" but it didn't work. Then after that any noise would begin to aggravate me. The breathing through ones nose felt like someone breathing deeply into my ear. When one would sigh abnormally when moving or just through boredom, it felt like my nerves were on fire. Suddenly any noise would become annoying. My mother has sinus problems and hay fever so she sniffs quite regularly, yet to me it seemed that it was too often and unnecessary to do so.

It wasn't just my family members that aggravated me, I found it quite hard to be around people when they ate. Even people on a train sneezing, coughing, sighing. Any noise possible made me feel angry and I needed to run away and hide. I found myself distancing from everyone and locking myself up in my room. But even then I couldn't escape the noises. When someone would brush their teeth, the running water would driving me to tears. It was like I had become trapped in a nightmare of loudness.

Years passed at the sensitivity to noises became worse. Now every time someone eats, smacks their lips, breathes slightly heavier than normal etc. I actually imagine myself shaking them or hitting them to be quiet. I have even cried myself at night cause I cannot stand to be around my family sometimes.

One day, my mam jokingly suggested I look up my "annoyance at noises" on Google and I came across the term 'Misophonia'. I thought it was a made up disorder at first but through extensive research, I realised this was a real thing. Many times I believed I was being selfish, fussy, or just plain moody, but instead there was an answer to my problems. I even read real life experiences and joined a Facebook group on the disorder, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone in the world.

Yet those who suffer with Misophonia deal with the problem I have everyday; people who laugh, mock and ignore what we have. It is a real disorder and it is not something to take lightly. Even many doctors believe there is no such thing. But how can so many people suffer with Misophonia and still be ignored and dismissed so easily. One day I hope this disorder can be treated successfully, instead of being passed around from one doctor to another who clearly don't have a clue. Until then, I will have to deal with society. I do not want to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.

One of those days....

Yes. One of those days it is. Were everything annoys me. From the little gasps of breathe coming from my mother's mouth, to the footsteps that make a mouse sound like an elephant. But it's not just the noise that is annoying me, it just the mere presence of people in the same vicinity as me. Knowing that some one is sharing the same oxygen as me, annoys me. Oh how even the word annoy is starting to annoy me. If only I had a remote control that a had a mute button, life would be perfect. Just block out all offending noises.

I wish I had a bubble were I could plop myself into, and hide myself away from the world. You would think I would lock myself in my room, oh how that would be nice. But that would require a lock and some heavy sound-proofing around the house. I'm at the point now were I cannot even name the mood I'm in. It's not anger, frustration or any other negative, its just there.

At least I can vent out to this piece of metal and not get annoyed. Then again....