3563 miles away

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more

Technically it's a little bit more than that, but who's counting right?

So what has happened since my last post? Well after a dark patch and Melissa being an absolute bitch to the one she loves (yeah he disagreed but he never calls me out on it), someone has had to go on exercise; timing on that is purely coincidental. And how am I taking it? Not as bad as I normally do, however ask me again in two days and I shall tell you a different story. What I do know is that I completely understand how my mother feels when I go AWOL and don't message her for days.

Sorry Mum, I love you!

Oh for those that don't understand what's going on and why my Sunshine is on exercise, basically he's out on quite literally an exercise but I have no contact with him. I completely understand and I get it - it's what his job requires of him, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it right?

I mean the first time we met, he was on tour and then he had to go back to the UK - still had means of communication. The first time he was on exercise while dating me was for three days and I left him 3 snap chats, 9 messages and 4 photos. The second was for 48 hours and left 12 messages and 1 snap chat. This one is for 5/6 days and will be the longest I have gone not speaking to him in 6 months. 
Even when he annoys me, I can only last a few minutes not speaking to him. Even when he went to America for 10 days, we still managed to have some communication. So 5/6 days I am not sure what is going to happen.

I already miss the good morning messages, the ones that say I love you, the ones that say goodnight sweet pea. I miss the way some of his messages end in but :) and the English in me goes "but what"? Most of all I miss his cosy morning selfies - the ones where I wish I was culled up in arms. I only really get them on weekends. The long distance sucks and I can't wait for it to be over, but I can handle it more when I can speak to him. Distance plus no contact is killing me. I know what he'd say right now - you'll be fine, its only for a few days, you'll get used to it. The worst one is - you have nothing to worry about. I can't help but worry, I'm a worrier and I always will be. I mean I even stalked his plane from America to make sure he would get back home in once piece (Yeah I managed to find his flight details without him telling me. I  may look into being a spy if this teaching thing doesn't work out back in the UK). I told him of the stalking and the career change, and he wasn't surprised in the least. Not sure what to make of that.

Trying to sleep at night sucks too. We have gotten into such a routine that I can't sleep until I get a message saying goodnight. Crazy I know.

5 to 6 days - I can do this. Maybe it will be good for us. Maybe it will help us grow even stronger. All I know is that he is definitely the one for me. My sunshine.

Now that this is off my chest, I am now off to spam his phone with puns and messages. Well he did say that he enjoys reading them and they keep him going. Be careful what you wish for sweety.

That Dark Cloud

Yes, that dark cloud has once again rolled over and brought back the d word with it, and for the first time I realised I couldn't give a care in the world that it's happened. I'm done. I'm over it. I really don't care.

I'm not that naive to think it would never come back, but I guess this is what happens when things are looking great for a change.

Right now I'm fed up with being stuck in a different country. I'm fed up playing small talk every day. I'm fed up having to pretend everything is fucking fine when it's not. I'm done with the long distance. I'm done with having to put up with lazy people. I'm done having to put up with people who just can't do their job.   I even realised that I don't care about not washing my hair for 4 days (dry shampoo is amazing). I don't care that I've put on 2kg. It appears that I have reached my tipping point.

I try to focus on the things that make me happy, but at this moment in time they just make me sad.

I know that this post doesn't even make sense but I just need to write. My neighbour next door isn't really helping either. Like seriously midnight is for sleeping not fricking dancing around in heels and banging on every wall possible.

The dark cloud is just part of my life now, and I know it will pass but until then I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of depressive thoughts and notions. I'm so tired that I want to sleep and wake up when the Summer is here. I'm just done.

Here I Go Again....

So tonight, it appears as though my brain is on overdrive again. Why doesn't it have a button to switch off - almost like a no thinking mode? That would be handy right now. It almost feels like I have done a 360 on my emotions since my last post, either that or I am so overworked right now that my body can't keep up. I don't feel as though my depression is coming back - that itself is pretty amazing. I just feel meh.

There are many possible reasons to my 'meh' mood. The first being that I am definitely overworked, overstressed and quite simply, exhausted. Work right now is hectic. The school has the all important inspection right now, so everyone is running around like a headless chicken. To be honest, I would be fine if certain things were done the way it was supposed to be done the first time round, but no. I can't go into detail on here, but I can't wait till 2.30pm on Thursday.

The second reason is because I am pmsing. Information overshare, more than likely so I shall not delve into anymore details. But yes my mood is everywhere.

The third is probably due to homesickness. Well not really homesickness; Hartlepool hasn't been my home for 4 nd a bit years now. I'm more likely to be peoplesick I guess. Missing a lot of people is more of my thing. Missing my family, friends and my sunshine. My niece has started Year 1 and I am missing out on all of the wonderful things that she is learning. I am missing out on her growing into an awesome little person. 6 years old and she is taking on the world. I am so proud of her.

Speaking of people, one thing that did cheer me up was my ability to spend money (though my spending habits are also keeping me awake at night). This was for a good reason though - Christmas time! Nothing like a holiday pick-me-up.  I managed to stop spending money on Lillie-  who by the way has been spoiled even more this year, and I also managed to stop spending on Darren. I do get carried away a little to easy, but I love the feeling you get when they open up presents. I have my parent's gift sorted out technically, just My brother and his girlfriend to get then I am done. It does feel rather weird as this year will be the first year I will not be visiting my Grandparents. Quite a somber moment, but it does mean I get to hang around in my pjyamas all day. Sounds terrible but I have to make a joke otherwise I shall end up crying - that is easy to do right now.

There we have it, my brain working on overtime, but there is nothing I can do about it. I do wish that I could stop worrying about every little thing, stop the anxiety from appearing. Unfortunately, that will never change.

Let's hope for a better (slightly less crazy) day tomorrow.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, not likely but who knows.

That Sunshine

It's me again.
Thought I may give myself a bit of me time and get back to writing. I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote my last post. Anyway, time for another update I think.

So my last one ended with;

Now to find someone to share my sunshine with. 

It turns out that I didn't have long to wait for my sunshine; it was right there as I was typing up my last post. Technically, I wouldn't to know about it until a few weeks later, but he arrived just when I least expected it. He has been my sunshine ever since. 

How did we meet?

Well that is a funny story, maybe not to anyone else but it is to us. Let me take you back to January 2017. I went home for Christmas as I normally do, and while I was spending time with an ex boyfriend several things had happened. My nana was taken into hospital and spent the entire time of my holiday there, and because I didn't want my last memory of her to be of that in a hospital, I caused an argument between my parents and myself. That isn't really all that surprising, we are not a family that communicates very well. It was during this time that I realised I wanted to move back home. I didn't want to miss out on family moments, the good or the bad. So when January rolled round and I headed back to the UAE, I handed in my resignation. I had made the decision and nothing was changing my mind. I settled all my plans, made financial budgets to help move home and even deleted Tinder. Not that the latter really affected me much, but there was no point. 

Yet somehow, when the end of February arrived, I found myself withdrawing my resignation and signing a two-year contract. I booked myself a little holiday to Abu Dhabi and re-installed Tinder. It would be that holiday that would change my life (yes cliche phrase I know, but it's true). 

Tinder and all it's Glory

Yes I may have went on a few dates and such, but that is a completely different post altogether, but it was one match that was completely out of character for me that brought this change. The first thing was he was wearing a Kilt. Not that's a terrible reason, in fact it was the opposite, he definitely caught my eye. The second one was his age. Now, normally I tend to go for men older than me (the older the wiser right?), but that wasn't really working out. This person was the same age as my brother, which was slightly out of my comfort zone, because all I could think of was "I could be dating my brother's mate". I swiped right anyway, and there it was, a match. He didn't open up with a cheesey line or something ridiculous just a simple hey. We spent the next week or so just chatting on Tinder. I may have been distracted with something else at the time, so conversation was a bit sparse. Nevertheless, we made plans to meet up one weekend. It was that part which really threw me a loop. He was going back to the UK. So I didn't get my hopes up and just resigned to the fact we would be text buddies that may meet up in the future when I'm home. I was slightly annoyed but there wasn't much I could do about it. Finally the day came and honestly I was scared. 

The First Meet

We made plans to meet at a coffee shop in Dubai. I was anxious so I did what I do best - shop, and it helped. Only one thought remained, would he turn up? He did and it was the best coffee date/meet I had ever had. We instantly clicked, and spent 4 hours chatting about absolutely anything and everything. Family and friends, our time in Dubai, of which we found our paths may have crossed a few times without us even knowing. We made each other laugh. I felt at ease and I didn't want the day to end. Unfortunately it did.  We parted with a hug and a quick comment about chatting through messages if ever needed someone to talk to. It was a bittersweet moment. 

He did message me. In fact we spent the next few weeks messaging back and forth about our days with a cheeky bit of flirting thrown in for good measure but nothing more. It wasn't until I sent a message about a Hen Party that every changed. The flirting grew more and spent every waking moment talking. Skype addresses were exchanged and online dates were set up. Everything seemed to falling into place. There was only one problem - I was still in the UAE. 

Skype Dates

Skype became our preferred form of contact, and our friendship started to grow into something else. We weren't quite sure what it was, but it was something. We spent hours talking about absolute nonsense, giggling at each other, doing that cute thing couples do when they first get together, but nothing had been established.
 

Drunken Messages

April was over and the 1st of May came upon us. So much had happened between us in such a short amount of time that other aspects of our relationship grew. It even spilled over into our nights out. Drunken messages allowed our hearts to be spilled and feelings to be shown with no hesitation. It was very clear our feelings for one another were the same. Even if one person claimed to have no emotions. I looked forward to waking up to drunken messages; they were soppy and cute and made my heart flutter. I even gave him a specific ringtone so I knew it was him messaging (something he took full advantage of). 3rd of May was a big change for us. We had already declared our feelings for one another and decided to explore our relationship further. Nothing was labeled though, we just assumed that was it. We were not seeing anyone else, it was just us two. It was perfect. Many more drunken messages later and we began to count down the days to my return. One prticular drunken message almost killed me.   We both happened to be on a night out and drunken messages were sent back and forth. Some were soppy, and some (mainly from me) were incoherent. It was fun until I had to go to work. Waking up to this text with a hangover wasn't fun either. All I remember is waking uo to thinking he wanted to end everything. He want us to stop with this "boyfriend and girlfriend" malarkey. Sounds ominious right?! Again fate intervened and he was still drinking at this point, taking shots if I recall correctly. All I could think was not this, not after what we had been planning with each other. Turns out he wanted us to be official, but being drunk was the dutch courage he needed to ask. What a pair we are.

So thats a brief, sort of, introduction to how we met and how we finally grew to the point where I love has been exchanged so many times. He is my sunshine. He lights up my every day. He knows how to make me laugh, make me smile, comfort me when I need it, ease my insecurities when I'm being stupid and he also knows how to wind me up too. In such a short space of time we have been through a lot. He was my biggest ray of Sunshine when my Nana passed away this Summer. He made me forget about it just for a moment on my birthday, and supported me during her funeral. I wouldn't have made it without him. 

We are not perfect, we have our moments, but we make it through. We have grown a lot together and I can't wait to see where this goes. He is my person, my sun, my life. Some days I have a problem with letting go of being so independent, and relying on someone else. Other days I realise none of that is true, I am building a life that I have always wanted, creating a lifetime of memories to make. I have never been this happier in my entire life. Even other people are noticing. My depression and anxiety are at its lowest and I know its because of him. He makes me feel as though I can conquer the world. Sure being in a different country has its problems, but I know I can make it through this contract before I can finally be with him.

Right now he is in a timezone further away than normal and it's only been two days but I miss him even more than I normally do. Our conversations are sparse, but it's made me realise how much I take him for granted. I appreciate every little message he sends. Even if it is a quick good morning/goodnight. I'm lucky that I can be in a position to get that. I know he's safe and well. Nine weeks can't come quick enough. I need to feel the sun in my face. 

I love my Sunshine.

Shining through the Clouds.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.

My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do.  Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself. 

At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE.  That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine. 

I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary. 

It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me. 

Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!

Now to find someone to share my sunshine with. 

Melissa

To Talk or not to Talk, That is the Question....

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

This quote struck a chord today. "You are too sensitive.", "You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve."You need to grow up and mature, you are still young." These were the words uttered to me after a lengthy conversation about my ability to cry at anything. But in the same talk there were these words "You need to talk more and be open." That to me seems to quite a contradiction. Which oen would you rather I do? Should I talk more and communicate about how I feel or stop taking things to heart. Well lets look at both sides of the coin.

Situation 1: Talk More.
I cry through anger or frustration. I laugh at innappropiate times. I lose friendships and relationships because I want to talk about how I feel. It hurts to know that sometimes the person I am talking to doesn't actually listen to what I am saying. I am, according to you, a mess. I have too many issues.
Situation 2: Stop The Talking.
I lose my ability to sympathise with situations. I do not care about anything or anyone. I become angry. I get asked to "smile more".  I am cold. I close myself off. I lose friends and family.

Now what would you like me to do? Please bare in mind that asking me to choose one is impossible. Having anxiety means that I'm constantly worrying about my actions. You say I make you feel like crap because I closed myself off. Guess what I am feeling worse than you are. You say I need to stop worrying and just forgot about a situation. Guess what I will always worry until a new problem arises. I don;t want to talk to people because I have lost so much as it is. But I don't want to stay quiet because that annoys people. Guess what, you annoy me by asking me to pick an option. Just let me be how I am. 
Writing is my only release. I put the jumbled up, fragmented thoughts from my head to the paper/screen. Now is that classed as talking or not talking? I mean, I still have my release. Just that its in a different way that you don't think works.Yes maybe some days it is pointless me writing. Sometimes it is petty things that I discuss. Yet it is this that keeps me sane.
At the end of the day, I am quite happy being sensitive, It shows I can be compassionate, that I have feelings and that I am aware of the situation at hand. It is not weakness. It is not immaturity. It is not a way that shows I am incapable of dealing with a conflict. It is my strength. It shows that underneath my shell, I am human. I simply just care too much.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong! 

Pro's (of going home):

1. My family

2. Further my career

3. I'm single

4. I have done all I can in this country

5.  I'm alone

 Con's (of going home):

1. Back to the real world

2. Bills, Rent, Tax

3. Lower pay

4. I'm Single

5. I have no money saved

6. I'm alone

It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay. 

I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help. 

x

Tell me to smile one more time...

Go on, I dare you.
Tell me to smile one more time and I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have my reasons not to smile and it's not of your business. To be honest the first time you said that to me, I was day-dreaming. The second time became an annoyance. The third well, to be frank, pissed me off.

You have no idea what is lurking in my brain. Telling me to smile says that you care only about my outside appearance. Does it annoy you if I don't smile? Do I intimidate you? Do I scare you? If so, I don't care.

So for those that are genuinely  concerned as to why my resting bitch face is more prominent these days well I have the answer for you. You see every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed. Not drag myself out of bed because I can't be bothered to work kind of drag. It's more of a don't want to pretend I am fine and happy and life is full of sunshine and rainbows. I haven't got the energy to pretend any more. Some of you may have put the jigsaw pieces together and figured out the scene, but if not here it is for you. I have depression and anxiety.

I feel like I need to elaborate before you all say "what do you have to be depressed about? You live in a different country, have a great job, have an awesome life. There is no need to be depressed" Well guess what, that is not how depression works. Every individual deals with their own demons in their own way. I'm good at pretending. But recently pretending hurts. I am not fine. I am not having the time of my life. This has been going on since 2009, roughly 8 years. Some days are better than others, some days I just want to hide away. Relationships have suffered greatly. I have lied, cheated, ignored and destroyed those that I have gotten close too, and each time that happens, my mind just spirals further down that black hole. I have had thoughts that my family don't even care. I have thoughts that people I talk to on a daily basis just do it because we are in the same proximity and work requires it. Every day has something fake about it; the smiles, the photos, the conversations. All fake.

I am not sure what triggered these feelings, but each day drains me more and more. Having anxiety doesn't help the situation either. I can do my own thing quite easily. In fact I relish in it as then I have no reason to interact with other people. People suck!

Even writing this is proving difficult. I have so much I want to write but I can't. What if someone is actually reading this, and then they think I'm a nut case, or worse attention-seeking? What if no-one actually cares and all I'm doing is filling that void on Facebook.

I don't even know what I'm doing except worrying about all the wrong things. I just want to be me. I don't even know who that is any more.

That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

Give Me a Time Frame.

It's amazing how one little thing can totally change your outlook on life. Whether it's that person you smile to on the way to work, the little cuss word that you weren't supposed to say or something negative that you weren't expecting. Last week was full of little happenings that turned into a chain of catastrophic events. Well, catastrophic maybe too harsh but turbulent was definitely the case.

I don't wish to delve into the gory details of my life, but it has changed the way I process my life right now. My emotions are at a PMS level times 1000 which isn't really great for the people I work with. I wish I could tone it down a bit, but my brain isn't good at playing catch up.

For something so draining to happen has changed the way I view myself;  invincible to the things that could go wrong, I envy those that can hold a conversation without being overly emotional. I envy those that can say their life is complete. Mine never will be.

One change in my body has had the worst consequences possible. Finding out you lost something you never thought you could have in the beginning was a low blow to being who I am. I knew things would be hard but no-one really knows how hard until you have to go through it yourself. That's what pisses me off the most. Excuse the profanity but 'it happens for a reason' aint gonna fix my problem. It's not a valid reason. Tell me why it happened then maybe I could accept that excuse, but until then, stop saying it. why give me something just to have it taken away. Yes life would have been difficult afterwards but I would dealt the hand I was given. Now that hand will never be given again, and sure, life never gives the same situation, it has it's slight variation. Yet, I'm pretty certain my variation will never happen; my body cannot adapt to it's new environment.

 And yes, I will be using the excuse I am emotionally unstable right now, cause I am. I will be until my hormones can get back to their normal levels. If there was a handbook on that time frame I would have let you know but until then, suck it up buttercup. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, we just have deal and get through the pain, even if that means having to put up with me being happy one minute then angry the next.

Give me a time frame please. 

Love, Devil, Evol

I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.
                - Possession,  A.S Byatt

I have always been a vivid nightdreamer, where reality and fantasy often blur as I sleep at night, Many times I have woke crying, disheartened and without hope. Yet, nothing could prepare me for the feeling left from last night. I had never thought about him in a romantic way, he was simply someone I would see maybe once or twice a week. I wasn't attracted to him at all. For starters, I'm out of his league, and he also travels alot. We are not compatible at all.

Though since this dream, I avoided him even more. It felt as real as real could be. The touch of his lips against mine, the taste of him was like he was right there with me (of course I had food stuck in my mouth from that day so that didn't help solve the mystery either). It was like my dream had opened up a new world for me. I wanted to feel what my dream me had felt and see if it matched up.

I wanted him.


To be continued.

The Family

Do you ever get that feeling like you don't belong, the sense of dis-connection to the people around you? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it never seems to be enough? I'm not saying that I don't belong anywhere or anything, but a lot of what-if questions have been constantly floating around my brain and today's actions made them surface.

I'm always wondering what-if in regards to my own life. Did I make the right choice? Did I have to leave the country? What-if I never left home, would everything be the same in terms of relationships with my family? What-if me being here has caused a bigger strain on the bonds?

I could argue back and forth all night but it wouldn't get me any wore, if anything, it would drive me even crazier than I already am.

I'm happy with the decisions I have made so far, I feel like I belong in this part of the world. I may not have a close circle of friends, but I have always been a loner. I may not always be happy with certain situations,but I make the best out of them. No what is getting to me is the things |I've left behind to get to this point. My parents, my brother, my niece, friends and other members of my family. All they seem to do is  serve as a reminder to the things I am missing out on, inside jokes are left unexplained, being told not to say anything about family drama. So many things are pushing me further and further away from the life I once had. Conversations are strained, one-sided, I put on a happy face because they don't want to deal with any other emotion as it leads to the simple phrase "well come home then". Life is moving on with out me and I have no place in it any more. My life is here, on my own.

Somethings have been described as me over-reacting, things like my niece not wanting to talk to me (lets face it I am a stranger in her life now), pushing every month for my parents to visit ( which is me reminding them constantly because otherwise it will never happen - "lets wait until your settled" is always around the corner). Even upcoming visits home are deemed not important. Yes jokes are made about me not actually having a room to stay in because it belongs to the family dog, comments about having to get a taxi home from the airport because no-one wants to get out of their way to pick me up. things like make me feel like a chore rather than a daughter or a sister. I didn't go home at Christmas for the same reason, surprises would have turned into "now I'll have to go buy more things for us to eat, I'll have to find you something for a present" etc.

Is it punishment for actually doing something with my life, instead of being stuck in the same town I was born in and not being on drugs or living on the dole like the rest of my family?

Who knows. I feel myself pulling further away from, as a result. I'll just be the quick skype call once in a blue moon to remind them I do exist.


PS. I am happy. I am settled in my own life. I am healthy mentally and physically. Just expressing my emotions in this blog since discussing with my family will just end in "shape up, get over it..." sort of comments.

Break-Down or Panic?

I was choking, asphyxiated by the blackness of the room. I was paralysed by the fear and I had no idea why.Next thing, tears were falling down my face. Had I reached my breaking point? Had the stress of the past few years and the fear of the unknown finally got to me? Or was it something different?

Let's start at the beginning, and find the way forward. Sleep hasn't been easy for the past week. The stormy weather had me on edge. The floods were not the scariest, it was the thunder, the lightning, the loneliness. I had to not freak out, I had to be strong for the children around me at the time. Yet soon as I was alone, I screamed. I cried. I panicked. I honestly thought it was the end.

That was 5 days ago. Now I can't sleep, for an unknown reason. My light stays on as a source of comfort, because the darkness freaks me out. I close my eyes, I see flashes of light. I open them and I'm paranoid of the shadows in my room. I even checked under the small gap in my bed. I've checked the closets, even the ones I have to reach by standing on a chair. All doors stay shut so I know if someone or something has been. Even cleaning my floordrobe hasn't helped. In fact it's made it worse. The little sleep I do get, it spoiled by the creakiness of my bed, or the constant tossing and turning. The constant fear of something going on while my eyes are closed.
Somehow, even through all of this, I still try to smile at work. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm breaking inside. I want to be happy and fun. I don't want to be the serious one. I don't want them to think its all attention seeking like "friends" have said in the past. I don't want them to know the ins and outs of my insanity.  They have already been dealt a crappy hand with my panic attacks over thunder.

I'm not sure if I'm breaking or just panicking. Maybe its just the lack of sleep that's driving me over the edge.  I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and feel happy on the inside.

Remember Caeser, thou art mortal

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.

–Joseph Brodsky

Fahrenheit 451. A very compelling book that produces more questions than answers. 3 times I have read the book, turned over each page and still the questions are at the forefront of my mind. I blame my nature of being and English graduate. It is rather hard not to read such a book without analysing it, dissecting each chapter into tiny little segments of criticism.Without that, a true opinion cannot be formed. However, regardless of my inability to give my thoughts of the book, an entire new thought had been awoken - a world with out books. Books help us realise that we are not immortal but we can immortalise ideas, people, worlds with the use of words upon paper.

A world without books would be rather bleak. Imagination and creativity would no longer satisfy our thirst for sense or surrealism. Books serve a purpose, whether fiction or non-fiction, they give us life. They draw meaning to the world. Many writers want to transport you to another world, give you that escapism. Books make the bleak world around us much more colourful. They give you something to talk about, to dream about, even fall in love or hate with. Books give you knowledge and inspiration, the ability to create something of your own. You live the lives of each character, imagining how they look and feel just by looking at a few simple words.

To fear a book is understandable, it reflects your shame and ideas of the world around you.To stop others from reading proves the point that you have something to hide. Many books have been banned throughout the times, simply because they were too scandalous for that particular period. What if they were written just to prove a point. That your eyes needed to be open, you need to see the world for what it really is. To burn books because you are afraid, or to stop people reading something you wish for them not to see is not the way of life.

A world without books, would be bleak and boring. We would live in a world full of people following the same routine, joining the same profession, thinking the same thoughts. We would become machines of our own lives.

What would you choose? A book or machine?

A Lonely Star in the Night Sky

Song playing: The Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic! at the Disco


Sitting in the corner of the bar, she was invisible; the ghost, as many liked to call her. It was how she liked it, alone with no-one to bother her will small talk and awkwardness. No-one to annoy her with unoriginal line. Yet she found herself waiting - waiting for him to arrive. He was the opposite of her. He was alive.

He was late today. Normally that wouldn't bother her, but she had a task to complete and unfortunately, she needed him. He didn't need to know that part though. She checked all the times around her: the wall, the phone, the wrist - all the same. What was taking him so long? Time was clearly not on her side today.

Finally, after minutes passing of her deciding upon her next move, the familiar creak of the door was heard. As much as she disliked it, he made her feel something- passionate, alive, though she could never speak to him. As a result, people call her intimidating, a bitch, a snob. In fact she is none of those, she just finds it hard to speak to people - anxiety, fear of rejection play heavily upon her.

Instead she prefers to be alone, sitting at a table listening to his voice. His voice gave her all the power she needed. The ability to put pen to paper and create. He maybe an entertainer to the crowd but to her, to her he was her muse. Across the months she has had many muses, but they wilt rather quickly. Would he dry up in the desert sun, or will he set her mind alight?

Diary of Change

Song: Bang my Head -Sia
Weight:90kg


90kg it read. I stepped of then back on again, still 90kg. Shock, panic, devastation-it was clear this number wasn't going to change anytime soon. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I cried. I climbed into bed, hid under the duvet and cried.  I finally enlisted this was the push I needed - the last straw. I quickly gorged on all the unhealthy things in the kitchen,  which ended up in the toilet. Tomorrow would be a new start, a diary of change.

The thing is, it's not like I am unhappy with myself. I'm in the whole 'I don't care zone'. Sure my thighs are big, but they need to accommodate my butt and perfect birthing hips I have unfortunately inherited. Yet not once had the scales read 90kg. I even checked the amount in pounds and stone. No change. So that was Thursday night and two days into my 'be happy' project and I'm feeling exhausted. Perhaps that could be down to by retarded dancing on Friday night; either way I feel like giving in already.  But then this thought keeps going through my head - do you want to be 90kg or heavier? Do you want to make your risk of diabetes greater? I certainly don't want that so giving in rally isn't an option. You only get out of it what you put in. Therefore my only solution is to power through it. That's what I need to do- whether I do or not is another problem altogether .

What is my plan? Well, for starters, no more alcohol, fizzy drinks as it's clear my body hates the things anyway. The same goes for gluten filled foods. The reaction my body has to them is such a nightmare, that itself is exhausting. I'm not cutting out chocolate and sugar as I definitely wouldn't  survive.  As for everything else,  healthy and in moderation is the key. It helps since the topic at school is being healthy.  Hopefully my students can help me during school time.

So this is my starting point. Blog and instagram each moment to keep me motivated.

I shall soon see if it works.

Hey there, memories.

'Hey there, Delilah don't you worry about the distance, I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen...' Plain White T's

Songs are a strange concept; a particular set of words put to a tune to tell a story. Some songs are just strings of catchiness with no particular meaning, or you can relate to them. After listening to 'Hey there Delilah' a series of flashbacks unfolded and it inspired me to think of other songs that hold particularly fond memories.

1. Dakota - Stereophonic.  My first love destroyed this song for me. That may have been a tad dramatic but at the age of 14, life was all about the drama. 'You made me feel like the one' was an all true a line to the guy who broke my heart because he had to focus on his GCSE'S and didn't have time for a girlfriend.  I even remember he was the reason MSN was banned in the house. Soon as my mom spoke these words the song no longer hurt my heart when it was played: "it's your first love but it won't be your last."

2. Las Ketchup song. A song that was all the craze with its strange but repetitive dance moves. My dad never lets me forget the fact I know said dance.  I have no idea who taught me the dance but it was one of those things, like Pringles, once you pop you can't stop. Gran Canaria and the family's annual visit bore witness to that.  Soon as the song was played, Bash  (my dad) demanded I "show the moves". The first hundred times of dancing to it was a novelty, now I only bust out the moves when extremely intoxicated.

3. Don't cry/Patience/November Rain -Guns n Roses. All these songs hold dear memories. A girl confused by her hormones and life, and a cute messed up boy. These two would be toxic for each other but no mater how hard they would stay apart, something would bring them back together. Confusion,  ignorance and lust would be the basis of their friendship for 2 years. In between that there would be cheating, stolen kisses, long 'walks' etc. It worked for them. These songs serve as a reminder of the little world they were in.

4. I'm not okay -My Chemical Romance. Yes the most stereotypical song of my generation but this song opened up a whole new world. I wasn't ok with who I was as a person. Overnight I changed quite literally: hair cut and dyed, new clothes, new friends and a new outlook on life. That song made me who I am today.

Sure there are more songs that hold memories, too many too fit it in this post.

Time to bust out the old cds and play lists to see what I can recover.

Muse, Music, Magic

Writing does not come easy to me. Many a time it's random thoughts put together, hoping that they make sense. For me, writing is more of a catharsis than a profession; the thoughts occupying the mind need to be released before insanity is formed. Sometimes words blend together, others not so much.   Sitting here, in the bar, in my not so usual spot, it came to me that my motivation for writing has returned.I had finally found the reason for my influx of writing, a kind of muse; the music, the magic of rhythm. Feeling the vibration of the Bass, Guitar and Drum run through my body, I can feel it fill with contentedness. It has taken a long time for this to happen, as I have been much too stubborn. I didn't want to tarnish my memories of my last muse, yet being in this room listening to the new ensemble, I realised how petty I was being. A new riddle had to be unraveled.
Now I am not a musician, or a professional critic, but I do listen to my heart, the way my body responds to the sounds produced on stage - produced by a beautiful group that couldn't fit more perfectly together if they had tried. They blend so wholly that it's almost magical.
Hearing such hypnotizing and alluring resonance, shivers are constantly sent down my spine. Looking around the room, I can tell I am not the only one captivated by the scene; fingers are tapping and bodies are swaying to the rhythm. It's like you have been trapped by their music. Time passes by so quickly, you barely realise it. You are too busy enjoying the moment, the atmosphere, their presence.

Who are they? With a name that matches their persona its too perfect to change - 'Fire'. Yet why does it match them so? Just like the growth of a fire, the beginning of their set is the start, the ignition -  the slow burn into the atmosphere. But as the night progresses, the lit fuse intensifies and merges into a glorious flame of sounds and passion.
As a group they present a showstopping experience every time they are placed into the spotlight.  Each night is never the same, never a repeat - which is great as it doesn't allow me to predict correct the upcoming track on their playlist.

Without such pleasure to my being, I would not be writing, but a thank you would not be enough. I wish to write a review of such about this band, but it would not simply do it justice. Until I feel like my words truly describe the band, I shall simply write until it's perfect.

And with that I bid goodnight.

Sonder, Monachopsis, Anemoia - Words of Being.

How do you know that your perceptions of life are real? How do you know that this life is 'real' and not a dream created by something or someone else?

It's easy to get lost in your own little world, a microcosm of sorts, but then you suddenly realise that the people around you, near or far, have a life that is as vivid and as complex as your own. Yet it's easy to consume yourself wondering about how others perceive life. Do they see life the same as you? How valid is one's life?

Many a time, the thought has been based around the notion of being the only person alive, and each day is simply but a scenario projected by your subconcious. Perhaps there maybe a reason for the subtle yet persistent feeling of being out of place - the feeling of not fitting in with the world around you. It's such a strange feeling to be aware of. Imagine that every day when your brain is close to switching off, it gives you one last question to ponder - why are you here? Why can you only feel your motion of time? It makes you want to know more about your life beforehand - if there ever was one of course. What makes the realisation of your life more important than anyone else?

It's amazing in the sense that these questions can never be fully answered, that we are simply just dreaming and when your dream ends, so does your life. This one thought creates more questions than it was intended to, so this post will finish on one final thought:

Is that all there is - a notion of your own existance that can never be fulfilled with a blankness to follow?
 

The Killer Dream

The last post I had written was also on the topic of dreams, but this one takes a different direction altogether.

Dreams. What are they? Are dreams our subconscious unloading the day's events in a weird visual representation? Are they a mixture of memories and wishes combined into a nonsensical way to help pass time while you sleep? No-one really knows the truth about dreams, only you. It is only you that lives to recall the dream as they are but a product of your imagination. Yet if that statement is true as such, then why do you have nightmares? Why would you wish to wake up with a sense of fear? Can you not control what images you view each night? Dreams are indeed peculiar.

Instead of feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep, you spend your waking moments trying to decode the happenings of your sleep. Though the question begs to be asked; what happens when your dreams are simply but a result from stress? Stress can do strange things to your body and it can dangerously affect your mental state. Sleep finds it hard to escape from. Instead, it unleashes a hellish variety of sleep disorders ranging from insomnia to sleep apnoea, RLS to narcolepsy. It is mixed into these disorders a strange act can be found - sleep paralysis. Have you ever woken suddenly, filled with dread and fear? Have you noticed something or someone in your room but you can't move from your spot in bed? Have you tried to scream? Did you notice that trying to blink proved futile. Quite literally you are paralysed. Science suggests that your brain has 'woken up' before REM (rapid eye movement - the time in which you dream) has finished and that the signal to your body to release itself from the 'switched off' mode has been delayed. Due to this delay, you can experience hallucinations, fear and even the feeling of death. Yet a simple solution to unparalyse yourself its to convince your body its still dreaming and within a few seconds, body movement can be restored. It is said that each person will experience this at least once in their lifetime. But what happens when your dream is a lot more sinister than waking up before REM?

Imagine the feeling of someone that is trying to kill you in your sleep. You will simply 'wake up' and everything would be fine. But what if that doesn't happen? As much as you try to jerk yourself awake, the dream deepens. A ghostly figure, or even a face you recognise, seems to take pleasure in your struggle. They wrap their hands around your neck, apply a force to your chest that restricts your breathing. You can feel your ribs aching under the pressure. You know it's a dream but everything you have been taught to do, doesn't work. You try to move more, screaming till you are at the point of tears, but no sound comes out. It's too late to calm down now and work out a logical way to escape the nightmare. You have passed the point of no return. What feels like hours, is simply minutes or even seconds, you finally break free from the gripping hold. However, the terror does not end there. You finally awaken to soaked bed sheets from your on sweat and tears. Your hands are still grasped tightly into your duvet. You are still paralysed with fear. Every noise in your room triggers more panic. You are afraid to stay awake, yet you dare not to close your eyes  in case the evilness returns. You know it will. It always does. Instead you lay perfectly still, as though you were dead, waiting for the dread to pass. You wait until the moment you feel safe to sleep again, though that wait may take up to an hour or two. Finally, you take the risk and fall into a restless sleep. The memory of that dream never fades. You will remember that dream ten years from now. On thing for sure, your next attack won't come as a shock. It's still an horrible experience though, but your body knows how to respond.

If you're like me, then you do expect more to come. It becomes a natural event, a simple reoccurring dream, like the rest. What you don't expect though, is to have two episodes in one night. You manage to break from from one but are then pulled straight into the next. Reality becomes distorted. You become afraid that you will never free the cycle. Your chest feels like it's being crushed. You can feel your tears run down your cheeks, yet its impossible to wipe them away. You are being held captive by your own body and mind. You wonder if you are going to survive the night. Reality slips away even further when another figure joins in on your torture. Just when you feel like giving up, a last final jolt brings you back to life. Did you just die? It sure felt like it. There would be no point in sleeping now as another dream would surely kill you. That's a definite.

This is all but a vicious cycle; being frightened of sleeping, the tired you become, which then produces these terrors. The lack of sleep and the stress of life may prove too much.