Tell me to smile one more time...

Go on, I dare you.
Tell me to smile one more time and I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have my reasons not to smile and it's not of your business. To be honest the first time you said that to me, I was day-dreaming. The second time became an annoyance. The third well, to be frank, pissed me off.

You have no idea what is lurking in my brain. Telling me to smile says that you care only about my outside appearance. Does it annoy you if I don't smile? Do I intimidate you? Do I scare you? If so, I don't care.

So for those that are genuinely  concerned as to why my resting bitch face is more prominent these days well I have the answer for you. You see every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed. Not drag myself out of bed because I can't be bothered to work kind of drag. It's more of a don't want to pretend I am fine and happy and life is full of sunshine and rainbows. I haven't got the energy to pretend any more. Some of you may have put the jigsaw pieces together and figured out the scene, but if not here it is for you. I have depression and anxiety.

I feel like I need to elaborate before you all say "what do you have to be depressed about? You live in a different country, have a great job, have an awesome life. There is no need to be depressed" Well guess what, that is not how depression works. Every individual deals with their own demons in their own way. I'm good at pretending. But recently pretending hurts. I am not fine. I am not having the time of my life. This has been going on since 2009, roughly 8 years. Some days are better than others, some days I just want to hide away. Relationships have suffered greatly. I have lied, cheated, ignored and destroyed those that I have gotten close too, and each time that happens, my mind just spirals further down that black hole. I have had thoughts that my family don't even care. I have thoughts that people I talk to on a daily basis just do it because we are in the same proximity and work requires it. Every day has something fake about it; the smiles, the photos, the conversations. All fake.

I am not sure what triggered these feelings, but each day drains me more and more. Having anxiety doesn't help the situation either. I can do my own thing quite easily. In fact I relish in it as then I have no reason to interact with other people. People suck!

Even writing this is proving difficult. I have so much I want to write but I can't. What if someone is actually reading this, and then they think I'm a nut case, or worse attention-seeking? What if no-one actually cares and all I'm doing is filling that void on Facebook.

I don't even know what I'm doing except worrying about all the wrong things. I just want to be me. I don't even know who that is any more.