Otherwordly

Otherwordly

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

The Killer Dream

The last post I had written was also on the topic of dreams, but this one takes a different direction altogether.

Dreams. What are they? Are dreams our subconscious unloading the day's events in a weird visual representation? Are they a mixture of memories and wishes combined into a nonsensical way to help pass time while you sleep? No-one really knows the truth about dreams, only you. It is only you that lives to recall the dream as they are but a product of your imagination. Yet if that statement is true as such, then why do you have nightmares? Why would you wish to wake up with a sense of fear? Can you not control what images you view each night? Dreams are indeed peculiar.

Instead of feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep, you spend your waking moments trying to decode the happenings of your sleep. Though the question begs to be asked; what happens when your dreams are simply but a result from stress? Stress can do strange things to your body and it can dangerously affect your mental state. Sleep finds it hard to escape from. Instead, it unleashes a hellish variety of sleep disorders ranging from insomnia to sleep apnoea, RLS to narcolepsy. It is mixed into these disorders a strange act can be found - sleep paralysis. Have you ever woken suddenly, filled with dread and fear? Have you noticed something or someone in your room but you can't move from your spot in bed? Have you tried to scream? Did you notice that trying to blink proved futile. Quite literally you are paralysed. Science suggests that your brain has 'woken up' before REM (rapid eye movement - the time in which you dream) has finished and that the signal to your body to release itself from the 'switched off' mode has been delayed. Due to this delay, you can experience hallucinations, fear and even the feeling of death. Yet a simple solution to unparalyse yourself its to convince your body its still dreaming and within a few seconds, body movement can be restored. It is said that each person will experience this at least once in their lifetime. But what happens when your dream is a lot more sinister than waking up before REM?

Imagine the feeling of someone that is trying to kill you in your sleep. You will simply 'wake up' and everything would be fine. But what if that doesn't happen? As much as you try to jerk yourself awake, the dream deepens. A ghostly figure, or even a face you recognise, seems to take pleasure in your struggle. They wrap their hands around your neck, apply a force to your chest that restricts your breathing. You can feel your ribs aching under the pressure. You know it's a dream but everything you have been taught to do, doesn't work. You try to move more, screaming till you are at the point of tears, but no sound comes out. It's too late to calm down now and work out a logical way to escape the nightmare. You have passed the point of no return. What feels like hours, is simply minutes or even seconds, you finally break free from the gripping hold. However, the terror does not end there. You finally awaken to soaked bed sheets from your on sweat and tears. Your hands are still grasped tightly into your duvet. You are still paralysed with fear. Every noise in your room triggers more panic. You are afraid to stay awake, yet you dare not to close your eyes  in case the evilness returns. You know it will. It always does. Instead you lay perfectly still, as though you were dead, waiting for the dread to pass. You wait until the moment you feel safe to sleep again, though that wait may take up to an hour or two. Finally, you take the risk and fall into a restless sleep. The memory of that dream never fades. You will remember that dream ten years from now. On thing for sure, your next attack won't come as a shock. It's still an horrible experience though, but your body knows how to respond.

If you're like me, then you do expect more to come. It becomes a natural event, a simple reoccurring dream, like the rest. What you don't expect though, is to have two episodes in one night. You manage to break from from one but are then pulled straight into the next. Reality becomes distorted. You become afraid that you will never free the cycle. Your chest feels like it's being crushed. You can feel your tears run down your cheeks, yet its impossible to wipe them away. You are being held captive by your own body and mind. You wonder if you are going to survive the night. Reality slips away even further when another figure joins in on your torture. Just when you feel like giving up, a last final jolt brings you back to life. Did you just die? It sure felt like it. There would be no point in sleeping now as another dream would surely kill you. That's a definite.

This is all but a vicious cycle; being frightened of sleeping, the tired you become, which then produces these terrors. The lack of sleep and the stress of life may prove too much.


Thursday, 6 August 2015

What's In a Dream?

"Not all dreaming is the same. Dreaming runs the gamut of human experience (and sometimes beyond), incorporating a dizzying range of emotions and events, often with elements of the bizarre."
-Michael J. Breus, PhD

Understanding a dream is difficult - was it a dream, or was it your mind telling you to be aware of something? Was it an accumulation of the day (or week's) events built up in and released at that particular moment in time? Dreams often don't tell of anything, just the release of those pent up emotions.

The reason for this post is, one dream has been particularly upsetting. I do not feel the need to describe my actual dream, but perhaps find out why I am dreaming of it. For two weeks, give or take a few days, I dream of a particular event that always ends up with a bad outcome. I'm left alone, everyone else with their loves, their friends, their family. Now normally that wouldn't bother me as I am naturally a person who prefers the solitude, her own company, however this dream felt too real, almost like I was no longer part of the Earth. It was so real, I almost thought it was to be true; that I would soon departing my life.

It wasn't until I decided to distance myself from the people I talk to the most, that I realised what the dream meant to me. It wasn't that I was coming to the end of my time, it was more of the opposite - closing the door on my old life. Looking at the people around me, I could see that they were a mixture of old friends and new friends, past and maybe future loved, my fears and hopes all balled into a reoccurring dream. It was a dream to help me decide what I wanted in my future, almost a warning. Did I really want to sabotage my own happiness? Did I want to stress over events that were most unlikely to happen?  If I continued down the path I was currently on I would.

So what if I'm scared of failing at work? It wouldn't be the worst thing that would have happened. So what if the next flight  I go on ends up being a disaster? I can't let the fear of the unknown stopping me from living my life. My dream was simply happening to tell me to let go, stop over-analyzing things. Let things fall where they may and cross that bridge when I get to it. Yes, life is full of cliches and mottoes to help you through your life, but only you can control what you want to get out of it . 

Dreams are simply but that, dreams.


Sunday, 12 July 2015

A Nostalgic Whimsy May One Day Come

Life has been rather weird lately, and I can't tell if its positive or negative. My last post mentioned about an upcoming change, discussing how I didn't feel ready. Well now I am. I realized life is too short to worry about the what-ifs and enjoy the little moments instead. It is within these little moments I decided to edit my old Bucket-List and make it more sensible. I will keep reposting this once I cross something off.
  1. See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis)
  2. Visit Italy, Pompeii, Sweden, Hungary, Denmark, Finland
  3. Sleep under the stars
  4. Learn to Ice Skate
  5. Send a message in a bottle
  6. See a Cirque du Soleil show
  7. Learn a foreign language 
  8. See a Broadway Musical
  9. Skydive 
  10. See the sun set in a foreign country
  11. Visit London
  12. Fall in love
  13. Adopt a shelter animal

Sunday, 7 June 2015

What is in a name?

What is in a change?
What?
Why?

I do not know much about much these days, but for some reason I wish to change. Or more precisely, wish for a change. That change began with a new title for my blog. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps, I am becoming more muchier than I once was, and that my love for Alice will still be around, but I do need to grow up into an adult. To some people, living on their own, finding a new place to live may not be a big deal to them; to me it is. A new job, a new apartment, everything is new. A change. I have never had to pay for bills, bar a phone bill. I have never had to depend solely upon myself. Yes I am independent, but that is different. I now have become an adult. I no longer have the opportunity to act like a brat within reason. I have to be responsible.

Is that the change I wish for? No not really.

I'm not particularly sure what change I want. All I know is that the upcoming academic year will either make me or break me. I hope it is the former, I have no back up plan to rely on if my world falls down around me.



Friday, 22 May 2015

The Resignation

“Resignation requires will, and will requires decision, and decision requires belief, and belief requires that there is something to believe in!”
― Anne Rice


I never planned on quitting my job; it sort of happened by chance. For what seemed like a solid decision to stay for a third year at my current school, I was easily persuaded by a different future. A future that would allow me to be part of a British Curriculum, to belong to a school that valued its' staff and to show what I can do as a teacher.

Realistically, there is nothing wrong with my current position, being a Lead Teacher of some sort. But it came at a price. The price of my mental state. It wasn't about the money either; pay me what I am worth and that was what mattered to me. It was the constant battle between instinct and duty. It was the constant rejection of improvement that closed the deal. How could I improve myself and my team if I wasn't given the chance? There was no opportunity for change no matter how much they argued for it. 

I had many sleepless nights; stressing, worrying over what the next day would bring. So I decided to look down another path, another direction to take. It was that decision that led me straight into a different learning environment. How was I easily persuaded? Well when you think an interview had sucked so bad but you were given an offer of acceptance within 6 hours surely that was a sign.

I am aware that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but maybe this will work out for the best.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

The career


“Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.” 
― Jon KrakauerInto the Wild

Right now that's  how I feel.  I don't want to work. I don't  want to be tied in a position that I will have to live in for the rest of my life.  I don't  want to be backed into a corner, explaining all my decisions to someone in a higher positon. To someone who doesn't  see me at my best, only my worst.

This past week has had me all distracted. I recently got a promotion at work and now it's  left me all dazed. I am no longer in my zone; I don't  have the energy to teach anymore. There's no laughter in my voice. Every little thing a child does angers or upsets me. Other teachers have noticed this too. No appetite, loss of weight, clumsiness and being unaware of objects/people around me. Many thought it was because of a boy. I did too. That was until I saw my new job description lying on my apartment floor. Performance  will be reviewed. That was it. It was those words that send my mind into a whirlwind of panic. No not panic, more like numbness.

I keep thinking to myself, I am too  young for this. 2 years teaching experience is not enough to lead a team. How can anyone take me serious? How can I support a group of teachers if I can barely support myself?

Apparently I can, as I am constantly  reminded. You wouldn't  have this opportunity if you couldn't  do it. Actually  I realised the reason why I have this position; it's not because I can help others around me, lead and inspire, but because I helped complete a few administrative tasks - something anybody could do. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. There are other teachers better suited for the position and I am constantly reminded of that when I see their face, the change in atmosphere when I enter the room or even the comments to the line manager.

It's  unfair of me to be ungrateful for this role and I simply must give it time, people time to adjust,  and time for me to realise how I can handle this.

The question is: how much time?

Saturday, 21 March 2015

The Illness

“No disease suffered by a live man can be known, for every living person has his own peculiarities and always has his own peculiar, personal, novel, complicated disease, unknown to medicine -- not a disease of the lungs, liver, skin, heart, nerves, and so on mentioned in medical books, but a disease consisting of one of the innumerable combinations of the maladies of those organs."
                                                                    Lee Tolstoy

Every day is an ongoing battle with different problems to overcome. An individual’s ailment will be different from the next; mental, physical and so on. Her battle was supposed to disappear, to be hidden from the world but as luck would have it, the world knew within moments. Strangers would stop and ask how she was and she would respond the same each time – “I’m ok. Still alive”. Not many found that as humorous as she did. Humor was all she had. Without it she would fall deep underground into a world of sadness.

What is her illness you may be asking yourself right now. Well it is hard to explain. How do you possibly tell someone that you are ill but your are not sure what is wrong? There is something wrong, the doctors, some, and her closest friends know something is amiss. Others gossip about ‘sympathy’ and ‘attention seeking’. Most doctors mutter the word  neurological,  perhaps cerebral without offering a reason to help understand. All she knows is that a stroke like episode happened and has turned her world upside down.
Body numbness, loss of motor control, tingling, tiredness, stress, the list is endless. The suggested diagnoses are not much help either: cerebral vascular accident, multiple sclerosis, dyspepsia, presentation confusion and so on.

With no sign of a correct diagnosis all she can do is pray she lives to see another day.