What's In a Dream?

"Not all dreaming is the same. Dreaming runs the gamut of human experience (and sometimes beyond), incorporating a dizzying range of emotions and events, often with elements of the bizarre."
-Michael J. Breus, PhD

Understanding a dream is difficult - was it a dream, or was it your mind telling you to be aware of something? Was it an accumulation of the day (or week's) events built up in and released at that particular moment in time? Dreams often don't tell of anything, just the release of those pent up emotions.

The reason for this post is, one dream has been particularly upsetting. I do not feel the need to describe my actual dream, but perhaps find out why I am dreaming of it. For two weeks, give or take a few days, I dream of a particular event that always ends up with a bad outcome. I'm left alone, everyone else with their loves, their friends, their family. Now normally that wouldn't bother me as I am naturally a person who prefers the solitude, her own company, however this dream felt too real, almost like I was no longer part of the Earth. It was so real, I almost thought it was to be true; that I would soon departing my life.

It wasn't until I decided to distance myself from the people I talk to the most, that I realised what the dream meant to me. It wasn't that I was coming to the end of my time, it was more of the opposite - closing the door on my old life. Looking at the people around me, I could see that they were a mixture of old friends and new friends, past and maybe future loved, my fears and hopes all balled into a reoccurring dream. It was a dream to help me decide what I wanted in my future, almost a warning. Did I really want to sabotage my own happiness? Did I want to stress over events that were most unlikely to happen?  If I continued down the path I was currently on I would.

So what if I'm scared of failing at work? It wouldn't be the worst thing that would have happened. So what if the next flight  I go on ends up being a disaster? I can't let the fear of the unknown stopping me from living my life. My dream was simply happening to tell me to let go, stop over-analyzing things. Let things fall where they may and cross that bridge when I get to it. Yes, life is full of cliches and mottoes to help you through your life, but only you can control what you want to get out of it . 

Dreams are simply but that, dreams.

A Nostalgic Whimsy May One Day Come

Life has been rather weird lately, and I can't tell if its positive or negative. My last post mentioned about an upcoming change, discussing how I didn't feel ready. Well now I am. I realized life is too short to worry about the what-ifs and enjoy the little moments instead. It is within these little moments I decided to edit my old Bucket-List and make it more sensible. I will keep reposting this once I cross something off.

1. See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis)
2. Visit Italy, Pompeii, Sweden, Hungary, Denmark, Finland
3. Sleep under the stars
4. Learn to Ice Skate
5. Send a message in a bottle
6. See a Cirque du Soleil show
7. Learn a foreign language 
8. See a Broadway Musical
9. Skydive 
10. See the sun set in a foreign country
11. Visit London
12. Fall in love
13. Adopt a shelter animal

What is in a name?

What is in a change?
What?
Why?

I do not know much about much these days, but for some reason I wish to change. Or more precisely, wish for a change. That change began with a new title for my blog. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps, I am becoming more muchier than I once was, and that my love for Alice will still be around, but I do need to grow up into an adult. To some people, living on their own, finding a new place to live may not be a big deal to them; to me it is. A new job, a new apartment, everything is new. A change. I have never had to pay for bills, bar a phone bill. I have never had to depend solely upon myself. Yes I am independent, but that is different. I now have become an adult. I no longer have the opportunity to act like a brat within reason. I have to be responsible.

Is that the change I wish for? No not really.

I'm not particularly sure what change I want. All I know is that the upcoming academic year will either make me or break me. I hope it is the former, I have no back up plan to rely on if my world falls down around me.

The Resignation

“Resignation requires will, and will requires decision, and decision requires belief, and belief requires that there is something to believe in!”
― Anne Rice


I never planned on quitting my job; it sort of happened by chance. For what seemed like a solid decision to stay for a third year at my current school, I was easily persuaded by a different future. A future that would allow me to be part of a British Curriculum, to belong to a school that valued its' staff and to show what I can do as a teacher.

Realistically, there is nothing wrong with my current position, being a Lead Teacher of some sort. But it came at a price. The price of my mental state. It wasn't about the money either; pay me what I am worth and that was what mattered to me. It was the constant battle between instinct and duty. It was the constant rejection of improvement that closed the deal. How could I improve myself and my team if I wasn't given the chance? There was no opportunity for change no matter how much they argued for it. 

I had many sleepless nights; stressing, worrying over what the next day would bring. So I decided to look down another path, another direction to take. It was that decision that led me straight into a different learning environment. How was I easily persuaded? Well when you think an interview had sucked so bad but you were given an offer of acceptance within 6 hours surely that was a sign.

I am aware that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but maybe this will work out for the best.

The career

“Mr. Franz, I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Right now that's  how I feel.  I don't want to work. I don't  want to be tied in a position that I will have to live in for the rest of my life.  I don't  want to be backed into a corner, explaining all my decisions to someone in a higher positon. To someone who doesn't  see me at my best, only my worst.

This past week has had me all distracted. I recently got a promotion at work and now it's  left me all dazed. I am no longer in my zone; I don't  have the energy to teach anymore. There's no laughter in my voice. Every little thing a child does angers or upsets me. Other teachers have noticed this too. No appetite, loss of weight, clumsiness and being unaware of objects/people around me. Many thought it was because of a boy. I did too. That was until I saw my new job description lying on my apartment floor. Performance  will be reviewed. That was it. It was those words that send my mind into a whirlwind of panic. No not panic, more like numbness.

I keep thinking to myself, I am too  young for this. 2 years teaching experience is not enough to lead a team. How can anyone take me serious? How can I support a group of teachers if I can barely support myself?

Apparently I can, as I am constantly  reminded. You wouldn't  have this opportunity if you couldn't  do it. Actually  I realised the reason why I have this position; it's not because I can help others around me, lead and inspire, but because I helped complete a few administrative tasks - something anybody could do. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. There are other teachers better suited for the position and I am constantly reminded of that when I see their face, the change in atmosphere when I enter the room or even the comments to the line manager.

It's  unfair of me to be ungrateful for this role and I simply must give it time, people time to adjust,  and time for me to realise how I can handle this.

The question is: how much time?

The Illness

“No disease suffered by a live man can be known, for every living person has his own peculiarities and always has his own peculiar, personal, novel, complicated disease, unknown to medicine -- not a disease of the lungs, liver, skin, heart, nerves, and so on mentioned in medical books, but a disease consisting of one of the innumerable combinations of the maladies of those organs."
                                                                    Lee Tolstoy

Every day is an ongoing battle with different problems to overcome. An individual’s ailment will be different from the next; mental, physical and so on. Her battle was supposed to disappear, to be hidden from the world but as luck would have it, the world knew within moments. Strangers would stop and ask how she was and she would respond the same each time – “I’m ok. Still alive”. Not many found that as humorous as she did. Humor was all she had. Without it she would fall deep underground into a world of sadness.

What is her illness you may be asking yourself right now. Well it is hard to explain. How do you possibly tell someone that you are ill but your are not sure what is wrong? There is something wrong, the doctors, some, and her closest friends know something is amiss. Others gossip about ‘sympathy’ and ‘attention seeking’. Most doctors mutter the word  neurological,  perhaps cerebral without offering a reason to help understand. All she knows is that a stroke like episode happened and has turned her world upside down.
Body numbness, loss of motor control, tingling, tiredness, stress, the list is endless. The suggested diagnoses are not much help either: cerebral vascular accident, multiple sclerosis, dyspepsia, presentation confusion and so on.

With no sign of a correct diagnosis all she can do is pray she lives to see another day.

The heart

The heart was made to be broken.

                                                       ― Oscar Wilde 

Love is a funny thing. You have young love, lost love, old love, wrong love yet they all end up having the same type of consequence -the broken heart. 

Young love. You learn a valuable lesson from this, you learn to love again. young love occurs during the years spent at school. You build your first true relationship with someone and everything you do revolves around them. You can't eat, sleep, think without your other half creeping into your brain. You become obsessed by the person. It's a given that it will not last and that a heart will be broken Yet it's ok, you move on, start again. 

The same goes for old love. This type of love is when you come across your love from many years ago and you remember why you fell in love with them. You don't feel attracted to them but all the good memories arise, and by default the broken-hearted feeling reappears. 

The lost love. This type has two meanings; the one that got away and the one that left for a better place, both equally as painful in some respect. The former leaves you wondering what if. What if I changed?  What if he wasn't such a complete tool? Either way, you will never know. You can never look at that person without dying a little inside. The latter of the two loves is painful. You spent as much time as you could with each other, but somehow it was their time to go. You can never create new memories and the old memories are to painful to remember.  You will never see that person, you will never grow old together.  You will never see that person's face again.

Is that all life and love is meant to be. Broken hearts and painful memories. Old age can't even stop this process.