Shining through the Clouds.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.

My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do.  Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself. 

At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE.  That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine. 

I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary. 

It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me. 

Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!

Now to find someone to share my sunshine with. 

Melissa

To Talk or not to Talk, That is the Question....

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

This quote struck a chord today. "You are too sensitive.", "You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve."You need to grow up and mature, you are still young." These were the words uttered to me after a lengthy conversation about my ability to cry at anything. But in the same talk there were these words "You need to talk more and be open." That to me seems to quite a contradiction. Which oen would you rather I do? Should I talk more and communicate about how I feel or stop taking things to heart. Well lets look at both sides of the coin.

Situation 1: Talk More.
I cry through anger or frustration. I laugh at innappropiate times. I lose friendships and relationships because I want to talk about how I feel. It hurts to know that sometimes the person I am talking to doesn't actually listen to what I am saying. I am, according to you, a mess. I have too many issues.
Situation 2: Stop The Talking.
I lose my ability to sympathise with situations. I do not care about anything or anyone. I become angry. I get asked to "smile more".  I am cold. I close myself off. I lose friends and family.

Now what would you like me to do? Please bare in mind that asking me to choose one is impossible. Having anxiety means that I'm constantly worrying about my actions. You say I make you feel like crap because I closed myself off. Guess what I am feeling worse than you are. You say I need to stop worrying and just forgot about a situation. Guess what I will always worry until a new problem arises. I don;t want to talk to people because I have lost so much as it is. But I don't want to stay quiet because that annoys people. Guess what, you annoy me by asking me to pick an option. Just let me be how I am. 
Writing is my only release. I put the jumbled up, fragmented thoughts from my head to the paper/screen. Now is that classed as talking or not talking? I mean, I still have my release. Just that its in a different way that you don't think works.Yes maybe some days it is pointless me writing. Sometimes it is petty things that I discuss. Yet it is this that keeps me sane.
At the end of the day, I am quite happy being sensitive, It shows I can be compassionate, that I have feelings and that I am aware of the situation at hand. It is not weakness. It is not immaturity. It is not a way that shows I am incapable of dealing with a conflict. It is my strength. It shows that underneath my shell, I am human. I simply just care too much.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong! 

Pro's (of going home):

1. My family

2. Further my career

3. I'm single

4. I have done all I can in this country

5.  I'm alone

 Con's (of going home):

1. Back to the real world

2. Bills, Rent, Tax

3. Lower pay

4. I'm Single

5. I have no money saved

6. I'm alone

It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay. 

I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help. 

x

Tell me to smile one more time...

Go on, I dare you.
Tell me to smile one more time and I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have my reasons not to smile and it's not of your business. To be honest the first time you said that to me, I was day-dreaming. The second time became an annoyance. The third well, to be frank, pissed me off.

You have no idea what is lurking in my brain. Telling me to smile says that you care only about my outside appearance. Does it annoy you if I don't smile? Do I intimidate you? Do I scare you? If so, I don't care.

So for those that are genuinely  concerned as to why my resting bitch face is more prominent these days well I have the answer for you. You see every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed. Not drag myself out of bed because I can't be bothered to work kind of drag. It's more of a don't want to pretend I am fine and happy and life is full of sunshine and rainbows. I haven't got the energy to pretend any more. Some of you may have put the jigsaw pieces together and figured out the scene, but if not here it is for you. I have depression and anxiety.

I feel like I need to elaborate before you all say "what do you have to be depressed about? You live in a different country, have a great job, have an awesome life. There is no need to be depressed" Well guess what, that is not how depression works. Every individual deals with their own demons in their own way. I'm good at pretending. But recently pretending hurts. I am not fine. I am not having the time of my life. This has been going on since 2009, roughly 8 years. Some days are better than others, some days I just want to hide away. Relationships have suffered greatly. I have lied, cheated, ignored and destroyed those that I have gotten close too, and each time that happens, my mind just spirals further down that black hole. I have had thoughts that my family don't even care. I have thoughts that people I talk to on a daily basis just do it because we are in the same proximity and work requires it. Every day has something fake about it; the smiles, the photos, the conversations. All fake.

I am not sure what triggered these feelings, but each day drains me more and more. Having anxiety doesn't help the situation either. I can do my own thing quite easily. In fact I relish in it as then I have no reason to interact with other people. People suck!

Even writing this is proving difficult. I have so much I want to write but I can't. What if someone is actually reading this, and then they think I'm a nut case, or worse attention-seeking? What if no-one actually cares and all I'm doing is filling that void on Facebook.

I don't even know what I'm doing except worrying about all the wrong things. I just want to be me. I don't even know who that is any more.

That Whatsapp Message. (previously When it Hurts)

This life offers many paths for you to choose from, yet hindsight into which one to walk down would be more beneficial. Imagine all the bad choices suddenly taken away, no longer available. The right choices so crystal clear every thing else comes easier. If only.

Instead life likes to throw you curve balls, making sure you aren't too happy or too sad. It can be exciting but when emotions of other people it can be, for a lack of a better word, fucking impossible to navigate.  How hard is it to tell someone how you feel about them. Screw the consequences! You may have been down that path with the same person for many years, but each time you discover something new about each other. Time passes by and you keep thinking about the one that got away. That person just sits there in the back of your head and you wonder what if. What if you could meet up one more time? What if you kissed? Would it feel the same? Would it be different? What if you could give it one more shot? What if this time it worked out?  But life doesn't work that way. No instead it's a one way ticket to those thoughts. The other person doesn't really think the same about you. What's done is done. Your heart breaks at the thought of it. That's it one path has been walked down and then destroyed. Even though you don't want to. You want to scream at them, tell them how much you care.

Yet it won't change anything.

You want him to fight for you, tell you that he feels the same. You want him to tell you that he understands your riddled with anxiety and you are simply protecting yourself by pulling away. You want him to message you telling you that he will wait. But that will never happen. You have gone pas the point of no return now. That silly message saying you can't talk to him just proves nothing has changed from the last time you saw each other. That you will only end up hurting him like you did many years ago.

You keep playing the last memory you had of each other, wrapped up in a little bubble, ignoring reality. Adult life always seems to complicate things and axiety and depression likes to seep in there too sometimes. You think to yourself, you should have told him there and then that you want him to be there in the summer. You want him and only him  - his flaws included. But that will never happen
Instead you chose to let him go. Not give him a choice in the matter. Not let him tell his side, his feelings even if it is difficult for him. He has to protect his self too. Now all that is left, is let him find a new love. Someone that will care for him better than you can. Even if it kills you, you have to let it go.

Choose another path to walk down darling, cause when it hurts, you are still alive. 

Give Me a Time Frame.

It's amazing how one little thing can totally change your outlook on life. Whether it's that person you smile to on the way to work, the little cuss word that you weren't supposed to say or something negative that you weren't expecting. Last week was full of little happenings that turned into a chain of catastrophic events. Well, catastrophic maybe too harsh but turbulent was definitely the case.

I don't wish to delve into the gory details of my life, but it has changed the way I process my life right now. My emotions are at a PMS level times 1000 which isn't really great for the people I work with. I wish I could tone it down a bit, but my brain isn't good at playing catch up.

For something so draining to happen has changed the way I view myself;  invincible to the things that could go wrong, I envy those that can hold a conversation without being overly emotional. I envy those that can say their life is complete. Mine never will be.

One change in my body has had the worst consequences possible. Finding out you lost something you never thought you could have in the beginning was a low blow to being who I am. I knew things would be hard but no-one really knows how hard until you have to go through it yourself. That's what pisses me off the most. Excuse the profanity but 'it happens for a reason' aint gonna fix my problem. It's not a valid reason. Tell me why it happened then maybe I could accept that excuse, but until then, stop saying it. why give me something just to have it taken away. Yes life would have been difficult afterwards but I would dealt the hand I was given. Now that hand will never be given again, and sure, life never gives the same situation, it has it's slight variation. Yet, I'm pretty certain my variation will never happen; my body cannot adapt to it's new environment.

 And yes, I will be using the excuse I am emotionally unstable right now, cause I am. I will be until my hormones can get back to their normal levels. If there was a handbook on that time frame I would have let you know but until then, suck it up buttercup. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, we just have deal and get through the pain, even if that means having to put up with me being happy one minute then angry the next.

Give me a time frame please. 

Love, Devil, Evol

I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.
                - Possession,  A.S Byatt

I have always been a vivid nightdreamer, where reality and fantasy often blur as I sleep at night, Many times I have woke crying, disheartened and without hope. Yet, nothing could prepare me for the feeling left from last night. I had never thought about him in a romantic way, he was simply someone I would see maybe once or twice a week. I wasn't attracted to him at all. For starters, I'm out of his league, and he also travels alot. We are not compatible at all.

Though since this dream, I avoided him even more. It felt as real as real could be. The touch of his lips against mine, the taste of him was like he was right there with me (of course I had food stuck in my mouth from that day so that didn't help solve the mystery either). It was like my dream had opened up a new world for me. I wanted to feel what my dream me had felt and see if it matched up.

I wanted him.


To be continued.