But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Technically it's a little bit more than that, but who's counting right?
So what has happened since my last post? Well after a dark patch and Melissa being an absolute bitch to the one she loves (yeah he disagreed but he never calls me out on it), someone has had to go on exercise; timing on that is purely coincidental. And how am I taking it? Not as bad as I normally do, however ask me again in two days and I shall tell you a different story. What I do know is that I completely understand how my mother feels when I go AWOL and don't message her for days.
Sorry Mum, I love you!
Oh for those that don't understand what's going on and why my Sunshine is on exercise, basically he's out on quite literally an exercise but I have no contact with him. I completely understand and I get it - it's what his job requires of him, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it right?
I mean the first time we met, he was on tour and then he had to go back to the UK - still had means of communication. The first time he was on exercise while dating me was for three days and I left him 3 snap chats, 9 messages and 4 photos. The second was for 48 hours and left 12 messages and 1 snap chat. This one is for 5/6 days and will be the longest I have gone not speaking to him in 6 months.
Even when he annoys me, I can only last a few minutes not speaking to him. Even when he went to America for 10 days, we still managed to have some communication. So 5/6 days I am not sure what is going to happen.
I already miss the good morning messages, the ones that say I love you, the ones that say goodnight sweet pea. I miss the way some of his messages end in but :) and the English in me goes "but what"? Most of all I miss his cosy morning selfies - the ones where I wish I was culled up in arms. I only really get them on weekends. The long distance sucks and I can't wait for it to be over, but I can handle it more when I can speak to him. Distance plus no contact is killing me. I know what he'd say right now - you'll be fine, its only for a few days, you'll get used to it. The worst one is - you have nothing to worry about. I can't help but worry, I'm a worrier and I always will be. I mean I even stalked his plane from America to make sure he would get back home in once piece (Yeah I managed to find his flight details without him telling me. I may look into being a spy if this teaching thing doesn't work out back in the UK). I told him of the stalking and the career change, and he wasn't surprised in the least. Not sure what to make of that.
Trying to sleep at night sucks too. We have gotten into such a routine that I can't sleep until I get a message saying goodnight. Crazy I know.
5 to 6 days - I can do this. Maybe it will be good for us. Maybe it will help us grow even stronger. All I know is that he is definitely the one for me. My sunshine.
Now that this is off my chest, I am now off to spam his phone with puns and messages. Well he did say that he enjoys reading them and they keep him going. Be careful what you wish for sweety.
Otherwordly
Saturday, 11 November 2017
Tuesday, 7 November 2017
That Dark Cloud
Yes, that dark cloud has once again rolled over and brought back the d word with it, and for the first time I realised I couldn't give a care in the world that it's happened. I'm done. I'm over it. I really don't care.
I'm not that naive to think it would never come back, but I guess this is what happens when things are looking great for a change.
Right now I'm fed up with being stuck in a different country. I'm fed up playing small talk every day. I'm fed up having to pretend everything is fucking fine when it's not. I'm done with the long distance. I'm done with having to put up with lazy people. I'm done having to put up with people who just can't do their job. I even realised that I don't care about not washing my hair for 4 days (dry shampoo is amazing). I don't care that I've put on 2kg. It appears that I have reached my tipping point.
I try to focus on the things that make me happy, but at this moment in time they just make me sad.
I know that this post doesn't even make sense but I just need to write. My neighbour next door isn't really helping either. Like seriously midnight is for sleeping not fricking dancing around in heels and banging on every wall possible.
The dark cloud is just part of my life now, and I know it will pass but until then I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of depressive thoughts and notions. I'm so tired that I want to sleep and wake up when the Summer is here. I'm just done.
Monday, 16 October 2017
Here I Go Again....
So tonight, it appears as though my brain is on overdrive again. Why doesn't it have a button to switch off - almost like a no thinking mode? That would be handy right now. It almost feels like I have done a 360 on my emotions since my last post, either that or I am so overworked right now that my body can't keep up. I don't feel as though my depression is coming back - that itself is pretty amazing. I just feel meh.
There are many possible reasons to my 'meh' mood. The first being that I am definitely overworked, overstressed and quite simply, exhausted. Work right now is hectic. The school has the all important inspection right now, so everyone is running around like a headless chicken. To be honest, I would be fine if certain things were done the way it was supposed to be done the first time round, but no. I can't go into detail on here, but I can't wait till 2.30pm on Thursday.
The second reason is because I am pmsing. Information overshare, more than likely so I shall not delve into anymore details. But yes my mood is everywhere.
The third is probably due to homesickness. Well not really homesickness; Hartlepool hasn't been my home for 4 nd a bit years now. I'm more likely to be peoplesick I guess. Missing a lot of people is more of my thing. Missing my family, friends and my sunshine. My niece has started Year 1 and I am missing out on all of the wonderful things that she is learning. I am missing out on her growing into an awesome little person. 6 years old and she is taking on the world. I am so proud of her.
Speaking of people, one thing that did cheer me up was my ability to spend money (though my spending habits are also keeping me awake at night). This was for a good reason though - Christmas time! Nothing like a holiday pick-me-up. I managed to stop spending money on Lillie- who by the way has been spoiled even more this year, and I also managed to stop spending on Darren. I do get carried away a little to easy, but I love the feeling you get when they open up presents. I have my parent's gift sorted out technically, just My brother and his girlfriend to get then I am done. It does feel rather weird as this year will be the first year I will not be visiting my Grandparents. Quite a somber moment, but it does mean I get to hang around in my pjyamas all day. Sounds terrible but I have to make a joke otherwise I shall end up crying - that is easy to do right now.
There we have it, my brain working on overtime, but there is nothing I can do about it. I do wish that I could stop worrying about every little thing, stop the anxiety from appearing. Unfortunately, that will never change.
Let's hope for a better (slightly less crazy) day tomorrow.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, not likely but who knows.
There are many possible reasons to my 'meh' mood. The first being that I am definitely overworked, overstressed and quite simply, exhausted. Work right now is hectic. The school has the all important inspection right now, so everyone is running around like a headless chicken. To be honest, I would be fine if certain things were done the way it was supposed to be done the first time round, but no. I can't go into detail on here, but I can't wait till 2.30pm on Thursday.
The second reason is because I am pmsing. Information overshare, more than likely so I shall not delve into anymore details. But yes my mood is everywhere.
The third is probably due to homesickness. Well not really homesickness; Hartlepool hasn't been my home for 4 nd a bit years now. I'm more likely to be peoplesick I guess. Missing a lot of people is more of my thing. Missing my family, friends and my sunshine. My niece has started Year 1 and I am missing out on all of the wonderful things that she is learning. I am missing out on her growing into an awesome little person. 6 years old and she is taking on the world. I am so proud of her.
Speaking of people, one thing that did cheer me up was my ability to spend money (though my spending habits are also keeping me awake at night). This was for a good reason though - Christmas time! Nothing like a holiday pick-me-up. I managed to stop spending money on Lillie- who by the way has been spoiled even more this year, and I also managed to stop spending on Darren. I do get carried away a little to easy, but I love the feeling you get when they open up presents. I have my parent's gift sorted out technically, just My brother and his girlfriend to get then I am done. It does feel rather weird as this year will be the first year I will not be visiting my Grandparents. Quite a somber moment, but it does mean I get to hang around in my pjyamas all day. Sounds terrible but I have to make a joke otherwise I shall end up crying - that is easy to do right now.
There we have it, my brain working on overtime, but there is nothing I can do about it. I do wish that I could stop worrying about every little thing, stop the anxiety from appearing. Unfortunately, that will never change.
Let's hope for a better (slightly less crazy) day tomorrow.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, not likely but who knows.
Friday, 13 October 2017
That Sunshine
It's me again.
Thought I may give myself a bit of me time and get back to writing. I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote my last post. Anyway, time for another update I think.
So my last one ended with;
Now to find someone to share my sunshine with.
It turns out that I didn't have long to wait for my sunshine; it was right there as I was typing up my last post. Technically, I wouldn't to know about it until a few weeks later, but he arrived just when I least expected it. He has been my sunshine ever since.
How did we meet?
Well that is a funny story, maybe not to anyone else but it is to us. Let me take you back to January 2017. I went home for Christmas as I normally do, and while I was spending time with an ex boyfriend several things had happened. My nana was taken into hospital and spent the entire time of my holiday there, and because I didn't want my last memory of her to be of that in a hospital, I caused an argument between my parents and myself. That isn't really all that surprising, we are not a family that communicates very well. It was during this time that I realised I wanted to move back home. I didn't want to miss out on family moments, the good or the bad. So when January rolled round and I headed back to the UAE, I handed in my resignation. I had made the decision and nothing was changing my mind. I settled all my plans, made financial budgets to help move home and even deleted Tinder. Not that the latter really affected me much, but there was no point.
Yet somehow, when the end of February arrived, I found myself withdrawing my resignation and signing a two-year contract. I booked myself a little holiday to Abu Dhabi and re-installed Tinder. It would be that holiday that would change my life (yes cliche phrase I know, but it's true).
Tinder and all it's Glory
Yes I may have went on a few dates and such, but that is a completely different post altogether, but it was one match that was completely out of character for me that brought this change. The first thing was he was wearing a Kilt. Not that's a terrible reason, in fact it was the opposite, he definitely caught my eye. The second one was his age. Now, normally I tend to go for men older than me (the older the wiser right?), but that wasn't really working out. This person was the same age as my brother, which was slightly out of my comfort zone, because all I could think of was "I could be dating my brother's mate". I swiped right anyway, and there it was, a match. He didn't open up with a cheesey line or something ridiculous just a simple hey. We spent the next week or so just chatting on Tinder. I may have been distracted with something else at the time, so conversation was a bit sparse. Nevertheless, we made plans to meet up one weekend. It was that part which really threw me a loop. He was going back to the UK. So I didn't get my hopes up and just resigned to the fact we would be text buddies that may meet up in the future when I'm home. I was slightly annoyed but there wasn't much I could do about it. Finally the day came and honestly I was scared.
The First Meet
We made plans to meet at a coffee shop in Dubai. I was anxious so I did what I do best - shop, and it helped. Only one thought remained, would he turn up? He did and it was the best coffee date/meet I had ever had. We instantly clicked, and spent 4 hours chatting about absolutely anything and everything. Family and friends, our time in Dubai, of which we found our paths may have crossed a few times without us even knowing. We made each other laugh. I felt at ease and I didn't want the day to end. Unfortunately it did. We parted with a hug and a quick comment about chatting through messages if ever needed someone to talk to. It was a bittersweet moment.
He did message me. In fact we spent the next few weeks messaging back and forth about our days with a cheeky bit of flirting thrown in for good measure but nothing more. It wasn't until I sent a message about a Hen Party that every changed. The flirting grew more and spent every waking moment talking. Skype addresses were exchanged and online dates were set up. Everything seemed to falling into place. There was only one problem - I was still in the UAE.
Skype Dates
Skype became our preferred form of contact, and our friendship started to grow into something else. We weren't quite sure what it was, but it was something. We spent hours talking about absolute nonsense, giggling at each other, doing that cute thing couples do when they first get together, but nothing had been established.
Drunken Messages
April was over and the 1st of May came upon us. So much had happened between us in such a short amount of time that other aspects of our relationship grew. It even spilled over into our nights out. Drunken messages allowed our hearts to be spilled and feelings to be shown with no hesitation. It was very clear our feelings for one another were the same. Even if one person claimed to have no emotions. I looked forward to waking up to drunken messages; they were soppy and cute and made my heart flutter. I even gave him a specific ringtone so I knew it was him messaging (something he took full advantage of). 3rd of May was a big change for us. We had already declared our feelings for one another and decided to explore our relationship further. Nothing was labeled though, we just assumed that was it. We were not seeing anyone else, it was just us two. It was perfect. Many more drunken messages later and we began to count down the days to my return. One prticular drunken message almost killed me. We both happened to be on a night out and drunken messages were sent back and forth. Some were soppy, and some (mainly from me) were incoherent. It was fun until I had to go to work. Waking up to this text with a hangover wasn't fun either. All I remember is waking uo to thinking he wanted to end everything. He want us to stop with this "boyfriend and girlfriend" malarkey. Sounds ominious right?! Again fate intervened and he was still drinking at this point, taking shots if I recall correctly. All I could think was not this, not after what we had been planning with each other. Turns out he wanted us to be official, but being drunk was the dutch courage he needed to ask. What a pair we are.
So thats a brief, sort of, introduction to how we met and how we finally grew to the point where I love has been exchanged so many times. He is my sunshine. He lights up my every day. He knows how to make me laugh, make me smile, comfort me when I need it, ease my insecurities when I'm being stupid and he also knows how to wind me up too. In such a short space of time we have been through a lot. He was my biggest ray of Sunshine when my Nana passed away this Summer. He made me forget about it just for a moment on my birthday, and supported me during her funeral. I wouldn't have made it without him.
We are not perfect, we have our moments, but we make it through. We have grown a lot together and I can't wait to see where this goes. He is my person, my sun, my life. Some days I have a problem with letting go of being so independent, and relying on someone else. Other days I realise none of that is true, I am building a life that I have always wanted, creating a lifetime of memories to make. I have never been this happier in my entire life. Even other people are noticing. My depression and anxiety are at its lowest and I know its because of him. He makes me feel as though I can conquer the world. Sure being in a different country has its problems, but I know I can make it through this contract before I can finally be with him.
Right now he is in a timezone further away than normal and it's only been two days but I miss him even more than I normally do. Our conversations are sparse, but it's made me realise how much I take him for granted. I appreciate every little message he sends. Even if it is a quick good morning/goodnight. I'm lucky that I can be in a position to get that. I know he's safe and well. Nine weeks can't come quick enough. I need to feel the sun in my face.
I love my Sunshine.
Thought I may give myself a bit of me time and get back to writing. I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote my last post. Anyway, time for another update I think.
So my last one ended with;
Now to find someone to share my sunshine with.
It turns out that I didn't have long to wait for my sunshine; it was right there as I was typing up my last post. Technically, I wouldn't to know about it until a few weeks later, but he arrived just when I least expected it. He has been my sunshine ever since.
How did we meet?
Well that is a funny story, maybe not to anyone else but it is to us. Let me take you back to January 2017. I went home for Christmas as I normally do, and while I was spending time with an ex boyfriend several things had happened. My nana was taken into hospital and spent the entire time of my holiday there, and because I didn't want my last memory of her to be of that in a hospital, I caused an argument between my parents and myself. That isn't really all that surprising, we are not a family that communicates very well. It was during this time that I realised I wanted to move back home. I didn't want to miss out on family moments, the good or the bad. So when January rolled round and I headed back to the UAE, I handed in my resignation. I had made the decision and nothing was changing my mind. I settled all my plans, made financial budgets to help move home and even deleted Tinder. Not that the latter really affected me much, but there was no point.
Yet somehow, when the end of February arrived, I found myself withdrawing my resignation and signing a two-year contract. I booked myself a little holiday to Abu Dhabi and re-installed Tinder. It would be that holiday that would change my life (yes cliche phrase I know, but it's true).
Tinder and all it's Glory
Yes I may have went on a few dates and such, but that is a completely different post altogether, but it was one match that was completely out of character for me that brought this change. The first thing was he was wearing a Kilt. Not that's a terrible reason, in fact it was the opposite, he definitely caught my eye. The second one was his age. Now, normally I tend to go for men older than me (the older the wiser right?), but that wasn't really working out. This person was the same age as my brother, which was slightly out of my comfort zone, because all I could think of was "I could be dating my brother's mate". I swiped right anyway, and there it was, a match. He didn't open up with a cheesey line or something ridiculous just a simple hey. We spent the next week or so just chatting on Tinder. I may have been distracted with something else at the time, so conversation was a bit sparse. Nevertheless, we made plans to meet up one weekend. It was that part which really threw me a loop. He was going back to the UK. So I didn't get my hopes up and just resigned to the fact we would be text buddies that may meet up in the future when I'm home. I was slightly annoyed but there wasn't much I could do about it. Finally the day came and honestly I was scared.
The First Meet
We made plans to meet at a coffee shop in Dubai. I was anxious so I did what I do best - shop, and it helped. Only one thought remained, would he turn up? He did and it was the best coffee date/meet I had ever had. We instantly clicked, and spent 4 hours chatting about absolutely anything and everything. Family and friends, our time in Dubai, of which we found our paths may have crossed a few times without us even knowing. We made each other laugh. I felt at ease and I didn't want the day to end. Unfortunately it did. We parted with a hug and a quick comment about chatting through messages if ever needed someone to talk to. It was a bittersweet moment.
He did message me. In fact we spent the next few weeks messaging back and forth about our days with a cheeky bit of flirting thrown in for good measure but nothing more. It wasn't until I sent a message about a Hen Party that every changed. The flirting grew more and spent every waking moment talking. Skype addresses were exchanged and online dates were set up. Everything seemed to falling into place. There was only one problem - I was still in the UAE.
Skype Dates
Skype became our preferred form of contact, and our friendship started to grow into something else. We weren't quite sure what it was, but it was something. We spent hours talking about absolute nonsense, giggling at each other, doing that cute thing couples do when they first get together, but nothing had been established.
Drunken Messages
April was over and the 1st of May came upon us. So much had happened between us in such a short amount of time that other aspects of our relationship grew. It even spilled over into our nights out. Drunken messages allowed our hearts to be spilled and feelings to be shown with no hesitation. It was very clear our feelings for one another were the same. Even if one person claimed to have no emotions. I looked forward to waking up to drunken messages; they were soppy and cute and made my heart flutter. I even gave him a specific ringtone so I knew it was him messaging (something he took full advantage of). 3rd of May was a big change for us. We had already declared our feelings for one another and decided to explore our relationship further. Nothing was labeled though, we just assumed that was it. We were not seeing anyone else, it was just us two. It was perfect. Many more drunken messages later and we began to count down the days to my return. One prticular drunken message almost killed me. We both happened to be on a night out and drunken messages were sent back and forth. Some were soppy, and some (mainly from me) were incoherent. It was fun until I had to go to work. Waking up to this text with a hangover wasn't fun either. All I remember is waking uo to thinking he wanted to end everything. He want us to stop with this "boyfriend and girlfriend" malarkey. Sounds ominious right?! Again fate intervened and he was still drinking at this point, taking shots if I recall correctly. All I could think was not this, not after what we had been planning with each other. Turns out he wanted us to be official, but being drunk was the dutch courage he needed to ask. What a pair we are.
So thats a brief, sort of, introduction to how we met and how we finally grew to the point where I love has been exchanged so many times. He is my sunshine. He lights up my every day. He knows how to make me laugh, make me smile, comfort me when I need it, ease my insecurities when I'm being stupid and he also knows how to wind me up too. In such a short space of time we have been through a lot. He was my biggest ray of Sunshine when my Nana passed away this Summer. He made me forget about it just for a moment on my birthday, and supported me during her funeral. I wouldn't have made it without him.
We are not perfect, we have our moments, but we make it through. We have grown a lot together and I can't wait to see where this goes. He is my person, my sun, my life. Some days I have a problem with letting go of being so independent, and relying on someone else. Other days I realise none of that is true, I am building a life that I have always wanted, creating a lifetime of memories to make. I have never been this happier in my entire life. Even other people are noticing. My depression and anxiety are at its lowest and I know its because of him. He makes me feel as though I can conquer the world. Sure being in a different country has its problems, but I know I can make it through this contract before I can finally be with him.
Right now he is in a timezone further away than normal and it's only been two days but I miss him even more than I normally do. Our conversations are sparse, but it's made me realise how much I take him for granted. I appreciate every little message he sends. Even if it is a quick good morning/goodnight. I'm lucky that I can be in a position to get that. I know he's safe and well. Nine weeks can't come quick enough. I need to feel the sun in my face.
I love my Sunshine.
Wednesday, 26 April 2017
Shining through the Clouds.
“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem,
see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable
words.”
―
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe,
Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship
To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.
My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do. Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself.
At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE. That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine.
I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary.
It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me.
Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!
Now to find someone to share my sunshine with.
Melissa
To survive this life, it is important to find the value in the storm. Yet, the truth is, everyone struggles. Life and Death serve a purpose, one that can be hidden by the clouds, and it is up to the indiviual to find that value. It is not enough to merely wish for the storm to pass, but to find the beauty with in it - the sun. It may take days, months, even years, but that moment will shine through.
My sunshine was found hidden within me; yes that is probably the most cliched sentence ever used in the history of the English Language, yet it deems itself true. One cannot move on without looking at oneself in the mirror and seeing the beauty of Life inside. A heart so close to being blackened and cold forever, found content and joy in the simplest of everyday pleasures. It was so easy for me to be cold and unforgiving when the cards gave out so much darkness, and turning those storms into light was harder to do. Yet somehow, I found it - the reason to breathe each morning, the reason not to use a fake smile - it was myself.
At the age of 25, I still have a lot of the world to see. However, I am finally happy with the life I am living; a Year 2 teacher living in the UAE. That was definitely not something expected of me when I was back at school. I had to prove a lot of people wrong. I became a teacher to help nurture and challenge the young minds of the future, but also let them know that they can become whatever they want, no matter what someone else thinks. They can create their own sunshine.
I will not be out here in the UAE forever, I hope to bring that little bit of happiness back to the UK, back to my home. I always said I needed a reason to go back, love and family, but I know I am going back for me. It's where I belong. Another year out in the Middle East, and the door on this storm will be closed but not forgotten. I have made many wonderful and shiny memories, friendships may not last but they were needed and blessed. They made me who I am today. Each event taught me to stay true to myself, to be content in what I have, no need to search for something that was not necessary.
It may be so that my anxiety and depression will always follow me around, but it lets me know I am only human. Soon as I forgot who I am,when the clouds take over, I know it is time to open a new book, listen to a new song and I will come back to me.
Life is strangely beautiful - it takes one decision to alter the path you are on, but don't question it. Take that chance, follow your instinct, and do all the other cheesy life quotes that go with this. Life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed. Find that reason and make it your sunshine. You have the right to enjoy it. Don't spend your time thinking of the what if's, go for it! I really don't want to end this post cheesier than my nachos at Paco's but what they say is true.You have sunshine on a cloudy day!
Now to find someone to share my sunshine with.
Melissa
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
To Talk or not to Talk, That is the Question....
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged
goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the
trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who
is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally
disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those
who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many
issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more
caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light
in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten
This quote struck a chord today. "You are too sensitive.", "You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve."You need to grow up and mature, you are still young." These were the words uttered to me after a lengthy conversation about my ability to cry at anything. But in the same talk there were these words "You need to talk more and be open." That to me seems to quite a contradiction. Which oen would you rather I do? Should I talk more and communicate about how I feel or stop taking things to heart. Well lets look at both sides of the coin.
Situation 1: Talk More.
I cry through anger or frustration. I laugh at innappropiate times. I lose friendships and relationships because I want to talk about how I feel. It hurts to know that sometimes the person I am talking to doesn't actually listen to what I am saying. I am, according to you, a mess. I have too many issues.
Situation 2: Stop The Talking.
I lose my ability to sympathise with situations. I do not care about anything or anyone. I become angry. I get asked to "smile more". I am cold. I close myself off. I lose friends and family.
Now what would you like me to do? Please bare in mind that asking me to choose one is impossible. Having anxiety means that I'm constantly worrying about my actions. You say I make you feel like crap because I closed myself off. Guess what I am feeling worse than you are. You say I need to stop worrying and just forgot about a situation. Guess what I will always worry until a new problem arises. I don;t want to talk to people because I have lost so much as it is. But I don't want to stay quiet because that annoys people. Guess what, you annoy me by asking me to pick an option. Just let me be how I am.
Writing is my only release. I put the jumbled up, fragmented thoughts from my head to the paper/screen. Now is that classed as talking or not talking? I mean, I still have my release. Just that its in a different way that you don't think works.Yes maybe some days it is pointless me writing. Sometimes it is petty things that I discuss. Yet it is this that keeps me sane.
At the end of the day, I am quite happy being sensitive, It shows I can be compassionate, that I have feelings and that I am aware of the situation at hand. It is not weakness. It is not immaturity. It is not a way that shows I am incapable of dealing with a conflict. It is my strength. It shows that underneath my shell, I am human. I simply just care too much.
― Anthon St. Maarten
This quote struck a chord today. "You are too sensitive.", "You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve."You need to grow up and mature, you are still young." These were the words uttered to me after a lengthy conversation about my ability to cry at anything. But in the same talk there were these words "You need to talk more and be open." That to me seems to quite a contradiction. Which oen would you rather I do? Should I talk more and communicate about how I feel or stop taking things to heart. Well lets look at both sides of the coin.
Situation 1: Talk More.
I cry through anger or frustration. I laugh at innappropiate times. I lose friendships and relationships because I want to talk about how I feel. It hurts to know that sometimes the person I am talking to doesn't actually listen to what I am saying. I am, according to you, a mess. I have too many issues.
Situation 2: Stop The Talking.
I lose my ability to sympathise with situations. I do not care about anything or anyone. I become angry. I get asked to "smile more". I am cold. I close myself off. I lose friends and family.
Now what would you like me to do? Please bare in mind that asking me to choose one is impossible. Having anxiety means that I'm constantly worrying about my actions. You say I make you feel like crap because I closed myself off. Guess what I am feeling worse than you are. You say I need to stop worrying and just forgot about a situation. Guess what I will always worry until a new problem arises. I don;t want to talk to people because I have lost so much as it is. But I don't want to stay quiet because that annoys people. Guess what, you annoy me by asking me to pick an option. Just let me be how I am.
Writing is my only release. I put the jumbled up, fragmented thoughts from my head to the paper/screen. Now is that classed as talking or not talking? I mean, I still have my release. Just that its in a different way that you don't think works.Yes maybe some days it is pointless me writing. Sometimes it is petty things that I discuss. Yet it is this that keeps me sane.
At the end of the day, I am quite happy being sensitive, It shows I can be compassionate, that I have feelings and that I am aware of the situation at hand. It is not weakness. It is not immaturity. It is not a way that shows I am incapable of dealing with a conflict. It is my strength. It shows that underneath my shell, I am human. I simply just care too much.
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....
Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong!
Pro's (of going home):
My family
Further my career
I'm single
I have done all I can in this country
I'm alone
Con's (of going home):
Back to the real world
Bills, Rent, Tax
Lower pay
I'm Single
I have no money saved
I'm alone
It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay.
I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help.
x
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