Love, Devil, Evol

I cannot let you burn me up, nor can I resist you. No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.
                - Possession,  A.S Byatt

I have always been a vivid nightdreamer, where reality and fantasy often blur as I sleep at night, Many times I have woke crying, disheartened and without hope. Yet, nothing could prepare me for the feeling left from last night. I had never thought about him in a romantic way, he was simply someone I would see maybe once or twice a week. I wasn't attracted to him at all. For starters, I'm out of his league, and he also travels alot. We are not compatible at all.

Though since this dream, I avoided him even more. It felt as real as real could be. The touch of his lips against mine, the taste of him was like he was right there with me (of course I had food stuck in my mouth from that day so that didn't help solve the mystery either). It was like my dream had opened up a new world for me. I wanted to feel what my dream me had felt and see if it matched up.

I wanted him.


To be continued.

The Family

Do you ever get that feeling like you don't belong, the sense of dis-connection to the people around you? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it never seems to be enough? I'm not saying that I don't belong anywhere or anything, but a lot of what-if questions have been constantly floating around my brain and today's actions made them surface.

I'm always wondering what-if in regards to my own life. Did I make the right choice? Did I have to leave the country? What-if I never left home, would everything be the same in terms of relationships with my family? What-if me being here has caused a bigger strain on the bonds?

I could argue back and forth all night but it wouldn't get me any wore, if anything, it would drive me even crazier than I already am.

I'm happy with the decisions I have made so far, I feel like I belong in this part of the world. I may not have a close circle of friends, but I have always been a loner. I may not always be happy with certain situations,but I make the best out of them. No what is getting to me is the things |I've left behind to get to this point. My parents, my brother, my niece, friends and other members of my family. All they seem to do is  serve as a reminder to the things I am missing out on, inside jokes are left unexplained, being told not to say anything about family drama. So many things are pushing me further and further away from the life I once had. Conversations are strained, one-sided, I put on a happy face because they don't want to deal with any other emotion as it leads to the simple phrase "well come home then". Life is moving on with out me and I have no place in it any more. My life is here, on my own.

Somethings have been described as me over-reacting, things like my niece not wanting to talk to me (lets face it I am a stranger in her life now), pushing every month for my parents to visit ( which is me reminding them constantly because otherwise it will never happen - "lets wait until your settled" is always around the corner). Even upcoming visits home are deemed not important. Yes jokes are made about me not actually having a room to stay in because it belongs to the family dog, comments about having to get a taxi home from the airport because no-one wants to get out of their way to pick me up. things like make me feel like a chore rather than a daughter or a sister. I didn't go home at Christmas for the same reason, surprises would have turned into "now I'll have to go buy more things for us to eat, I'll have to find you something for a present" etc.

Is it punishment for actually doing something with my life, instead of being stuck in the same town I was born in and not being on drugs or living on the dole like the rest of my family?

Who knows. I feel myself pulling further away from, as a result. I'll just be the quick skype call once in a blue moon to remind them I do exist.


PS. I am happy. I am settled in my own life. I am healthy mentally and physically. Just expressing my emotions in this blog since discussing with my family will just end in "shape up, get over it..." sort of comments.

Break-Down or Panic?

I was choking, asphyxiated by the blackness of the room. I was paralysed by the fear and I had no idea why.Next thing, tears were falling down my face. Had I reached my breaking point? Had the stress of the past few years and the fear of the unknown finally got to me? Or was it something different?

Let's start at the beginning, and find the way forward. Sleep hasn't been easy for the past week. The stormy weather had me on edge. The floods were not the scariest, it was the thunder, the lightning, the loneliness. I had to not freak out, I had to be strong for the children around me at the time. Yet soon as I was alone, I screamed. I cried. I panicked. I honestly thought it was the end.

That was 5 days ago. Now I can't sleep, for an unknown reason. My light stays on as a source of comfort, because the darkness freaks me out. I close my eyes, I see flashes of light. I open them and I'm paranoid of the shadows in my room. I even checked under the small gap in my bed. I've checked the closets, even the ones I have to reach by standing on a chair. All doors stay shut so I know if someone or something has been. Even cleaning my floordrobe hasn't helped. In fact it's made it worse. The little sleep I do get, it spoiled by the creakiness of my bed, or the constant tossing and turning. The constant fear of something going on while my eyes are closed.
Somehow, even through all of this, I still try to smile at work. I don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm breaking inside. I want to be happy and fun. I don't want to be the serious one. I don't want them to think its all attention seeking like "friends" have said in the past. I don't want them to know the ins and outs of my insanity.  They have already been dealt a crappy hand with my panic attacks over thunder.

I'm not sure if I'm breaking or just panicking. Maybe its just the lack of sleep that's driving me over the edge.  I just want to sleep. I want to wake up and feel happy on the inside.

Remember Caeser, thou art mortal

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.

–Joseph Brodsky

Fahrenheit 451. A very compelling book that produces more questions than answers. 3 times I have read the book, turned over each page and still the questions are at the forefront of my mind. I blame my nature of being and English graduate. It is rather hard not to read such a book without analysing it, dissecting each chapter into tiny little segments of criticism.Without that, a true opinion cannot be formed. However, regardless of my inability to give my thoughts of the book, an entire new thought had been awoken - a world with out books. Books help us realise that we are not immortal but we can immortalise ideas, people, worlds with the use of words upon paper.

A world without books would be rather bleak. Imagination and creativity would no longer satisfy our thirst for sense or surrealism. Books serve a purpose, whether fiction or non-fiction, they give us life. They draw meaning to the world. Many writers want to transport you to another world, give you that escapism. Books make the bleak world around us much more colourful. They give you something to talk about, to dream about, even fall in love or hate with. Books give you knowledge and inspiration, the ability to create something of your own. You live the lives of each character, imagining how they look and feel just by looking at a few simple words.

To fear a book is understandable, it reflects your shame and ideas of the world around you.To stop others from reading proves the point that you have something to hide. Many books have been banned throughout the times, simply because they were too scandalous for that particular period. What if they were written just to prove a point. That your eyes needed to be open, you need to see the world for what it really is. To burn books because you are afraid, or to stop people reading something you wish for them not to see is not the way of life.

A world without books, would be bleak and boring. We would live in a world full of people following the same routine, joining the same profession, thinking the same thoughts. We would become machines of our own lives.

What would you choose? A book or machine?

A Lonely Star in the Night Sky

Song playing: The Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic! at the Disco


Sitting in the corner of the bar, she was invisible; the ghost, as many liked to call her. It was how she liked it, alone with no-one to bother her will small talk and awkwardness. No-one to annoy her with unoriginal line. Yet she found herself waiting - waiting for him to arrive. He was the opposite of her. He was alive.

He was late today. Normally that wouldn't bother her, but she had a task to complete and unfortunately, she needed him. He didn't need to know that part though. She checked all the times around her: the wall, the phone, the wrist - all the same. What was taking him so long? Time was clearly not on her side today.

Finally, after minutes passing of her deciding upon her next move, the familiar creak of the door was heard. As much as she disliked it, he made her feel something- passionate, alive, though she could never speak to him. As a result, people call her intimidating, a bitch, a snob. In fact she is none of those, she just finds it hard to speak to people - anxiety, fear of rejection play heavily upon her.

Instead she prefers to be alone, sitting at a table listening to his voice. His voice gave her all the power she needed. The ability to put pen to paper and create. He maybe an entertainer to the crowd but to her, to her he was her muse. Across the months she has had many muses, but they wilt rather quickly. Would he dry up in the desert sun, or will he set her mind alight?

Diary of Change

Song: Bang my Head -Sia
Weight:90kg


90kg it read. I stepped of then back on again, still 90kg. Shock, panic, devastation-it was clear this number wasn't going to change anytime soon. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I cried. I climbed into bed, hid under the duvet and cried.  I finally enlisted this was the push I needed - the last straw. I quickly gorged on all the unhealthy things in the kitchen,  which ended up in the toilet. Tomorrow would be a new start, a diary of change.

The thing is, it's not like I am unhappy with myself. I'm in the whole 'I don't care zone'. Sure my thighs are big, but they need to accommodate my butt and perfect birthing hips I have unfortunately inherited. Yet not once had the scales read 90kg. I even checked the amount in pounds and stone. No change. So that was Thursday night and two days into my 'be happy' project and I'm feeling exhausted. Perhaps that could be down to by retarded dancing on Friday night; either way I feel like giving in already.  But then this thought keeps going through my head - do you want to be 90kg or heavier? Do you want to make your risk of diabetes greater? I certainly don't want that so giving in rally isn't an option. You only get out of it what you put in. Therefore my only solution is to power through it. That's what I need to do- whether I do or not is another problem altogether .

What is my plan? Well, for starters, no more alcohol, fizzy drinks as it's clear my body hates the things anyway. The same goes for gluten filled foods. The reaction my body has to them is such a nightmare, that itself is exhausting. I'm not cutting out chocolate and sugar as I definitely wouldn't  survive.  As for everything else,  healthy and in moderation is the key. It helps since the topic at school is being healthy.  Hopefully my students can help me during school time.

So this is my starting point. Blog and instagram each moment to keep me motivated.

I shall soon see if it works.

Hey there, memories.

'Hey there, Delilah don't you worry about the distance, I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen...' Plain White T's

Songs are a strange concept; a particular set of words put to a tune to tell a story. Some songs are just strings of catchiness with no particular meaning, or you can relate to them. After listening to 'Hey there Delilah' a series of flashbacks unfolded and it inspired me to think of other songs that hold particularly fond memories.

1. Dakota - Stereophonic.  My first love destroyed this song for me. That may have been a tad dramatic but at the age of 14, life was all about the drama. 'You made me feel like the one' was an all true a line to the guy who broke my heart because he had to focus on his GCSE'S and didn't have time for a girlfriend.  I even remember he was the reason MSN was banned in the house. Soon as my mom spoke these words the song no longer hurt my heart when it was played: "it's your first love but it won't be your last."

2. Las Ketchup song. A song that was all the craze with its strange but repetitive dance moves. My dad never lets me forget the fact I know said dance.  I have no idea who taught me the dance but it was one of those things, like Pringles, once you pop you can't stop. Gran Canaria and the family's annual visit bore witness to that.  Soon as the song was played, Bash  (my dad) demanded I "show the moves". The first hundred times of dancing to it was a novelty, now I only bust out the moves when extremely intoxicated.

3. Don't cry/Patience/November Rain -Guns n Roses. All these songs hold dear memories. A girl confused by her hormones and life, and a cute messed up boy. These two would be toxic for each other but no mater how hard they would stay apart, something would bring them back together. Confusion,  ignorance and lust would be the basis of their friendship for 2 years. In between that there would be cheating, stolen kisses, long 'walks' etc. It worked for them. These songs serve as a reminder of the little world they were in.

4. I'm not okay -My Chemical Romance. Yes the most stereotypical song of my generation but this song opened up a whole new world. I wasn't ok with who I was as a person. Overnight I changed quite literally: hair cut and dyed, new clothes, new friends and a new outlook on life. That song made me who I am today.

Sure there are more songs that hold memories, too many too fit it in this post.

Time to bust out the old cds and play lists to see what I can recover.