Song: Bang my Head -Sia
Weight:90kg
90kg it read. I stepped of then back on again, still 90kg. Shock, panic, devastation-it was clear this number wasn't going to change anytime soon. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I cried. I climbed into bed, hid under the duvet and cried. I finally enlisted this was the push I needed - the last straw. I quickly gorged on all the unhealthy things in the kitchen, which ended up in the toilet. Tomorrow would be a new start, a diary of change.
The thing is, it's not like I am unhappy with myself. I'm in the whole 'I don't care zone'. Sure my thighs are big, but they need to accommodate my butt and perfect birthing hips I have unfortunately inherited. Yet not once had the scales read 90kg. I even checked the amount in pounds and stone. No change. So that was Thursday night and two days into my 'be happy' project and I'm feeling exhausted. Perhaps that could be down to by retarded dancing on Friday night; either way I feel like giving in already. But then this thought keeps going through my head - do you want to be 90kg or heavier? Do you want to make your risk of diabetes greater? I certainly don't want that so giving in rally isn't an option. You only get out of it what you put in. Therefore my only solution is to power through it. That's what I need to do- whether I do or not is another problem altogether .
What is my plan? Well, for starters, no more alcohol, fizzy drinks as it's clear my body hates the things anyway. The same goes for gluten filled foods. The reaction my body has to them is such a nightmare, that itself is exhausting. I'm not cutting out chocolate and sugar as I definitely wouldn't survive. As for everything else, healthy and in moderation is the key. It helps since the topic at school is being healthy. Hopefully my students can help me during school time.
So this is my starting point. Blog and instagram each moment to keep me motivated.
I shall soon see if it works.
Otherwordly
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Hey there, memories.
'Hey there, Delilah don't you worry about the distance, I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen...' Plain White T's
Songs are a strange concept; a particular set of words put to a tune to tell a story. Some songs are just strings of catchiness with no particular meaning, or you can relate to them. After listening to 'Hey there Delilah' a series of flashbacks unfolded and it inspired me to think of other songs that hold particularly fond memories.
1. Dakota - Stereophonic. My first love destroyed this song for me. That may have been a tad dramatic but at the age of 14, life was all about the drama. 'You made me feel like the one' was an all true a line to the guy who broke my heart because he had to focus on his GCSE'S and didn't have time for a girlfriend. I even remember he was the reason MSN was banned in the house. Soon as my mom spoke these words the song no longer hurt my heart when it was played: "it's your first love but it won't be your last."
2. Las Ketchup song. A song that was all the craze with its strange but repetitive dance moves. My dad never lets me forget the fact I know said dance. I have no idea who taught me the dance but it was one of those things, like Pringles, once you pop you can't stop. Gran Canaria and the family's annual visit bore witness to that. Soon as the song was played, Bash (my dad) demanded I "show the moves". The first hundred times of dancing to it was a novelty, now I only bust out the moves when extremely intoxicated.
3. Don't cry/Patience/November Rain -Guns n Roses. All these songs hold dear memories. A girl confused by her hormones and life, and a cute messed up boy. These two would be toxic for each other but no mater how hard they would stay apart, something would bring them back together. Confusion, ignorance and lust would be the basis of their friendship for 2 years. In between that there would be cheating, stolen kisses, long 'walks' etc. It worked for them. These songs serve as a reminder of the little world they were in.
4. I'm not okay -My Chemical Romance. Yes the most stereotypical song of my generation but this song opened up a whole new world. I wasn't ok with who I was as a person. Overnight I changed quite literally: hair cut and dyed, new clothes, new friends and a new outlook on life. That song made me who I am today.
Sure there are more songs that hold memories, too many too fit it in this post.
Time to bust out the old cds and play lists to see what I can recover.
Songs are a strange concept; a particular set of words put to a tune to tell a story. Some songs are just strings of catchiness with no particular meaning, or you can relate to them. After listening to 'Hey there Delilah' a series of flashbacks unfolded and it inspired me to think of other songs that hold particularly fond memories.
1. Dakota - Stereophonic. My first love destroyed this song for me. That may have been a tad dramatic but at the age of 14, life was all about the drama. 'You made me feel like the one' was an all true a line to the guy who broke my heart because he had to focus on his GCSE'S and didn't have time for a girlfriend. I even remember he was the reason MSN was banned in the house. Soon as my mom spoke these words the song no longer hurt my heart when it was played: "it's your first love but it won't be your last."
2. Las Ketchup song. A song that was all the craze with its strange but repetitive dance moves. My dad never lets me forget the fact I know said dance. I have no idea who taught me the dance but it was one of those things, like Pringles, once you pop you can't stop. Gran Canaria and the family's annual visit bore witness to that. Soon as the song was played, Bash (my dad) demanded I "show the moves". The first hundred times of dancing to it was a novelty, now I only bust out the moves when extremely intoxicated.
3. Don't cry/Patience/November Rain -Guns n Roses. All these songs hold dear memories. A girl confused by her hormones and life, and a cute messed up boy. These two would be toxic for each other but no mater how hard they would stay apart, something would bring them back together. Confusion, ignorance and lust would be the basis of their friendship for 2 years. In between that there would be cheating, stolen kisses, long 'walks' etc. It worked for them. These songs serve as a reminder of the little world they were in.
4. I'm not okay -My Chemical Romance. Yes the most stereotypical song of my generation but this song opened up a whole new world. I wasn't ok with who I was as a person. Overnight I changed quite literally: hair cut and dyed, new clothes, new friends and a new outlook on life. That song made me who I am today.
Sure there are more songs that hold memories, too many too fit it in this post.
Time to bust out the old cds and play lists to see what I can recover.
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Muse, Music, Magic
Writing does not come easy to me. Many a time it's random thoughts put
together, hoping that they make sense. For me, writing is more of a
catharsis than a profession; the thoughts occupying the mind need to be
released before insanity is formed. Sometimes words blend together,
others not so much. Sitting here, in the bar, in my not so usual spot, it came to me that my motivation for writing has returned.I had finally found the reason for my influx of writing, a kind of muse; the music, the magic of
rhythm. Feeling the vibration of the Bass, Guitar and Drum run through my body, I can feel it fill with contentedness. It has taken a long time for this to happen, as I have been much too stubborn. I didn't want to tarnish my memories of my last muse, yet being in this room listening to the new ensemble, I realised how petty I was being. A new riddle had to be unraveled.
Now I am not a musician, or a professional critic, but I do listen to my heart, the way my body responds to the sounds produced on stage - produced by a beautiful group that couldn't fit more perfectly together if they had tried. They blend so wholly that it's almost magical.
Hearing such hypnotizing and alluring resonance, shivers are constantly sent down my spine. Looking around the room, I can tell I am not the only one captivated by the scene; fingers are tapping and bodies are swaying to the rhythm. It's like you have been trapped by their music. Time passes by so quickly, you barely realise it. You are too busy enjoying the moment, the atmosphere, their presence.
Who are they? With a name that matches their persona its too perfect to change - 'Fire'. Yet why does it match them so? Just like the growth of a fire, the beginning of their set is the start, the ignition - the slow burn into the atmosphere. But as the night progresses, the lit fuse intensifies and merges into a glorious flame of sounds and passion.
As a group they present a showstopping experience every time they are placed into the spotlight. Each night is never the same, never a repeat - which is great as it doesn't allow me to predict correct the upcoming track on their playlist.
Without such pleasure to my being, I would not be writing, but a thank you would not be enough. I wish to write a review of such about this band, but it would not simply do it justice. Until I feel like my words truly describe the band, I shall simply write until it's perfect.
And with that I bid goodnight.
Now I am not a musician, or a professional critic, but I do listen to my heart, the way my body responds to the sounds produced on stage - produced by a beautiful group that couldn't fit more perfectly together if they had tried. They blend so wholly that it's almost magical.
Hearing such hypnotizing and alluring resonance, shivers are constantly sent down my spine. Looking around the room, I can tell I am not the only one captivated by the scene; fingers are tapping and bodies are swaying to the rhythm. It's like you have been trapped by their music. Time passes by so quickly, you barely realise it. You are too busy enjoying the moment, the atmosphere, their presence.
Who are they? With a name that matches their persona its too perfect to change - 'Fire'. Yet why does it match them so? Just like the growth of a fire, the beginning of their set is the start, the ignition - the slow burn into the atmosphere. But as the night progresses, the lit fuse intensifies and merges into a glorious flame of sounds and passion.
As a group they present a showstopping experience every time they are placed into the spotlight. Each night is never the same, never a repeat - which is great as it doesn't allow me to predict correct the upcoming track on their playlist.
Without such pleasure to my being, I would not be writing, but a thank you would not be enough. I wish to write a review of such about this band, but it would not simply do it justice. Until I feel like my words truly describe the band, I shall simply write until it's perfect.
And with that I bid goodnight.
Thursday, 12 November 2015
Sonder, Monachopsis, Anemoia - Words of Being.
How do you know that your perceptions of life are real? How do you know that this life is 'real' and not a dream created by something or someone else?
It's easy to get lost in your own little world, a microcosm of sorts, but then you suddenly realise that the people around you, near or far, have a life that is as vivid and as complex as your own. Yet it's easy to consume yourself wondering about how others perceive life. Do they see life the same as you? How valid is one's life?
Many a time, the thought has been based around the notion of being the only person alive, and each day is simply but a scenario projected by your subconcious. Perhaps there maybe a reason for the subtle yet persistent feeling of being out of place - the feeling of not fitting in with the world around you. It's such a strange feeling to be aware of. Imagine that every day when your brain is close to switching off, it gives you one last question to ponder - why are you here? Why can you only feel your motion of time? It makes you want to know more about your life beforehand - if there ever was one of course. What makes the realisation of your life more important than anyone else?
It's amazing in the sense that these questions can never be fully answered, that we are simply just dreaming and when your dream ends, so does your life. This one thought creates more questions than it was intended to, so this post will finish on one final thought:
Is that all there is - a notion of your own existance that can never be fulfilled with a blankness to follow?
It's easy to get lost in your own little world, a microcosm of sorts, but then you suddenly realise that the people around you, near or far, have a life that is as vivid and as complex as your own. Yet it's easy to consume yourself wondering about how others perceive life. Do they see life the same as you? How valid is one's life?
Many a time, the thought has been based around the notion of being the only person alive, and each day is simply but a scenario projected by your subconcious. Perhaps there maybe a reason for the subtle yet persistent feeling of being out of place - the feeling of not fitting in with the world around you. It's such a strange feeling to be aware of. Imagine that every day when your brain is close to switching off, it gives you one last question to ponder - why are you here? Why can you only feel your motion of time? It makes you want to know more about your life beforehand - if there ever was one of course. What makes the realisation of your life more important than anyone else?
It's amazing in the sense that these questions can never be fully answered, that we are simply just dreaming and when your dream ends, so does your life. This one thought creates more questions than it was intended to, so this post will finish on one final thought:
Is that all there is - a notion of your own existance that can never be fulfilled with a blankness to follow?
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
The Killer Dream
The last post I had written was also on the topic of dreams, but this one takes a different direction altogether.
Dreams. What are they? Are dreams our subconscious unloading the day's events in a weird visual representation? Are they a mixture of memories and wishes combined into a nonsensical way to help pass time while you sleep? No-one really knows the truth about dreams, only you. It is only you that lives to recall the dream as they are but a product of your imagination. Yet if that statement is true as such, then why do you have nightmares? Why would you wish to wake up with a sense of fear? Can you not control what images you view each night? Dreams are indeed peculiar.
Instead of feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep, you spend your waking moments trying to decode the happenings of your sleep. Though the question begs to be asked; what happens when your dreams are simply but a result from stress? Stress can do strange things to your body and it can dangerously affect your mental state. Sleep finds it hard to escape from. Instead, it unleashes a hellish variety of sleep disorders ranging from insomnia to sleep apnoea, RLS to narcolepsy. It is mixed into these disorders a strange act can be found - sleep paralysis. Have you ever woken suddenly, filled with dread and fear? Have you noticed something or someone in your room but you can't move from your spot in bed? Have you tried to scream? Did you notice that trying to blink proved futile. Quite literally you are paralysed. Science suggests that your brain has 'woken up' before REM (rapid eye movement - the time in which you dream) has finished and that the signal to your body to release itself from the 'switched off' mode has been delayed. Due to this delay, you can experience hallucinations, fear and even the feeling of death. Yet a simple solution to unparalyse yourself its to convince your body its still dreaming and within a few seconds, body movement can be restored. It is said that each person will experience this at least once in their lifetime. But what happens when your dream is a lot more sinister than waking up before REM?
Imagine the feeling of someone that is trying to kill you in your sleep. You will simply 'wake up' and everything would be fine. But what if that doesn't happen? As much as you try to jerk yourself awake, the dream deepens. A ghostly figure, or even a face you recognise, seems to take pleasure in your struggle. They wrap their hands around your neck, apply a force to your chest that restricts your breathing. You can feel your ribs aching under the pressure. You know it's a dream but everything you have been taught to do, doesn't work. You try to move more, screaming till you are at the point of tears, but no sound comes out. It's too late to calm down now and work out a logical way to escape the nightmare. You have passed the point of no return. What feels like hours, is simply minutes or even seconds, you finally break free from the gripping hold. However, the terror does not end there. You finally awaken to soaked bed sheets from your on sweat and tears. Your hands are still grasped tightly into your duvet. You are still paralysed with fear. Every noise in your room triggers more panic. You are afraid to stay awake, yet you dare not to close your eyes in case the evilness returns. You know it will. It always does. Instead you lay perfectly still, as though you were dead, waiting for the dread to pass. You wait until the moment you feel safe to sleep again, though that wait may take up to an hour or two. Finally, you take the risk and fall into a restless sleep. The memory of that dream never fades. You will remember that dream ten years from now. On thing for sure, your next attack won't come as a shock. It's still an horrible experience though, but your body knows how to respond.
If you're like me, then you do expect more to come. It becomes a natural event, a simple reoccurring dream, like the rest. What you don't expect though, is to have two episodes in one night. You manage to break from from one but are then pulled straight into the next. Reality becomes distorted. You become afraid that you will never free the cycle. Your chest feels like it's being crushed. You can feel your tears run down your cheeks, yet its impossible to wipe them away. You are being held captive by your own body and mind. You wonder if you are going to survive the night. Reality slips away even further when another figure joins in on your torture. Just when you feel like giving up, a last final jolt brings you back to life. Did you just die? It sure felt like it. There would be no point in sleeping now as another dream would surely kill you. That's a definite.
This is all but a vicious cycle; being frightened of sleeping, the tired you become, which then produces these terrors. The lack of sleep and the stress of life may prove too much.
Dreams. What are they? Are dreams our subconscious unloading the day's events in a weird visual representation? Are they a mixture of memories and wishes combined into a nonsensical way to help pass time while you sleep? No-one really knows the truth about dreams, only you. It is only you that lives to recall the dream as they are but a product of your imagination. Yet if that statement is true as such, then why do you have nightmares? Why would you wish to wake up with a sense of fear? Can you not control what images you view each night? Dreams are indeed peculiar.
Instead of feeling refreshed from a good night's sleep, you spend your waking moments trying to decode the happenings of your sleep. Though the question begs to be asked; what happens when your dreams are simply but a result from stress? Stress can do strange things to your body and it can dangerously affect your mental state. Sleep finds it hard to escape from. Instead, it unleashes a hellish variety of sleep disorders ranging from insomnia to sleep apnoea, RLS to narcolepsy. It is mixed into these disorders a strange act can be found - sleep paralysis. Have you ever woken suddenly, filled with dread and fear? Have you noticed something or someone in your room but you can't move from your spot in bed? Have you tried to scream? Did you notice that trying to blink proved futile. Quite literally you are paralysed. Science suggests that your brain has 'woken up' before REM (rapid eye movement - the time in which you dream) has finished and that the signal to your body to release itself from the 'switched off' mode has been delayed. Due to this delay, you can experience hallucinations, fear and even the feeling of death. Yet a simple solution to unparalyse yourself its to convince your body its still dreaming and within a few seconds, body movement can be restored. It is said that each person will experience this at least once in their lifetime. But what happens when your dream is a lot more sinister than waking up before REM?
Imagine the feeling of someone that is trying to kill you in your sleep. You will simply 'wake up' and everything would be fine. But what if that doesn't happen? As much as you try to jerk yourself awake, the dream deepens. A ghostly figure, or even a face you recognise, seems to take pleasure in your struggle. They wrap their hands around your neck, apply a force to your chest that restricts your breathing. You can feel your ribs aching under the pressure. You know it's a dream but everything you have been taught to do, doesn't work. You try to move more, screaming till you are at the point of tears, but no sound comes out. It's too late to calm down now and work out a logical way to escape the nightmare. You have passed the point of no return. What feels like hours, is simply minutes or even seconds, you finally break free from the gripping hold. However, the terror does not end there. You finally awaken to soaked bed sheets from your on sweat and tears. Your hands are still grasped tightly into your duvet. You are still paralysed with fear. Every noise in your room triggers more panic. You are afraid to stay awake, yet you dare not to close your eyes in case the evilness returns. You know it will. It always does. Instead you lay perfectly still, as though you were dead, waiting for the dread to pass. You wait until the moment you feel safe to sleep again, though that wait may take up to an hour or two. Finally, you take the risk and fall into a restless sleep. The memory of that dream never fades. You will remember that dream ten years from now. On thing for sure, your next attack won't come as a shock. It's still an horrible experience though, but your body knows how to respond.
If you're like me, then you do expect more to come. It becomes a natural event, a simple reoccurring dream, like the rest. What you don't expect though, is to have two episodes in one night. You manage to break from from one but are then pulled straight into the next. Reality becomes distorted. You become afraid that you will never free the cycle. Your chest feels like it's being crushed. You can feel your tears run down your cheeks, yet its impossible to wipe them away. You are being held captive by your own body and mind. You wonder if you are going to survive the night. Reality slips away even further when another figure joins in on your torture. Just when you feel like giving up, a last final jolt brings you back to life. Did you just die? It sure felt like it. There would be no point in sleeping now as another dream would surely kill you. That's a definite.
This is all but a vicious cycle; being frightened of sleeping, the tired you become, which then produces these terrors. The lack of sleep and the stress of life may prove too much.
Thursday, 6 August 2015
What's In a Dream?
"Not all dreaming is the same. Dreaming runs the gamut of human
experience (and sometimes beyond), incorporating a dizzying range of
emotions and events, often with elements of the bizarre."
-Michael J. Breus, PhD
Understanding a dream is difficult - was it a dream, or was it your mind telling you to be aware of something? Was it an accumulation of the day (or week's) events built up in and released at that particular moment in time? Dreams often don't tell of anything, just the release of those pent up emotions.
The reason for this post is, one dream has been particularly upsetting. I do not feel the need to describe my actual dream, but perhaps find out why I am dreaming of it. For two weeks, give or take a few days, I dream of a particular event that always ends up with a bad outcome. I'm left alone, everyone else with their loves, their friends, their family. Now normally that wouldn't bother me as I am naturally a person who prefers the solitude, her own company, however this dream felt too real, almost like I was no longer part of the Earth. It was so real, I almost thought it was to be true; that I would soon departing my life.
It wasn't until I decided to distance myself from the people I talk to the most, that I realised what the dream meant to me. It wasn't that I was coming to the end of my time, it was more of the opposite - closing the door on my old life. Looking at the people around me, I could see that they were a mixture of old friends and new friends, past and maybe future loved, my fears and hopes all balled into a reoccurring dream. It was a dream to help me decide what I wanted in my future, almost a warning. Did I really want to sabotage my own happiness? Did I want to stress over events that were most unlikely to happen? If I continued down the path I was currently on I would.
So what if I'm scared of failing at work? It wouldn't be the worst thing that would have happened. So what if the next flight I go on ends up being a disaster? I can't let the fear of the unknown stopping me from living my life. My dream was simply happening to tell me to let go, stop over-analyzing things. Let things fall where they may and cross that bridge when I get to it. Yes, life is full of cliches and mottoes to help you through your life, but only you can control what you want to get out of it .
Dreams are simply but that, dreams.
-Michael J. Breus, PhD
Understanding a dream is difficult - was it a dream, or was it your mind telling you to be aware of something? Was it an accumulation of the day (or week's) events built up in and released at that particular moment in time? Dreams often don't tell of anything, just the release of those pent up emotions.
The reason for this post is, one dream has been particularly upsetting. I do not feel the need to describe my actual dream, but perhaps find out why I am dreaming of it. For two weeks, give or take a few days, I dream of a particular event that always ends up with a bad outcome. I'm left alone, everyone else with their loves, their friends, their family. Now normally that wouldn't bother me as I am naturally a person who prefers the solitude, her own company, however this dream felt too real, almost like I was no longer part of the Earth. It was so real, I almost thought it was to be true; that I would soon departing my life.
It wasn't until I decided to distance myself from the people I talk to the most, that I realised what the dream meant to me. It wasn't that I was coming to the end of my time, it was more of the opposite - closing the door on my old life. Looking at the people around me, I could see that they were a mixture of old friends and new friends, past and maybe future loved, my fears and hopes all balled into a reoccurring dream. It was a dream to help me decide what I wanted in my future, almost a warning. Did I really want to sabotage my own happiness? Did I want to stress over events that were most unlikely to happen? If I continued down the path I was currently on I would.
So what if I'm scared of failing at work? It wouldn't be the worst thing that would have happened. So what if the next flight I go on ends up being a disaster? I can't let the fear of the unknown stopping me from living my life. My dream was simply happening to tell me to let go, stop over-analyzing things. Let things fall where they may and cross that bridge when I get to it. Yes, life is full of cliches and mottoes to help you through your life, but only you can control what you want to get out of it .
Dreams are simply but that, dreams.
Sunday, 12 July 2015
A Nostalgic Whimsy May One Day Come
Life has been rather weird lately, and I can't tell if its positive or negative. My last post mentioned about an upcoming change, discussing how I didn't feel ready. Well now I am. I realized life is too short to worry about the what-ifs and enjoy the little moments instead. It is within these little moments I decided to edit my old Bucket-List and make it more sensible. I will keep reposting this once I cross something off.
- See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis)
- Visit Italy, Pompeii, Sweden, Hungary, Denmark, Finland
- Sleep under the stars
- Learn to Ice Skate
- Send a message in a bottle
- See a Cirque du Soleil show
- Learn a foreign language
- See a Broadway Musical
- Skydive
See the sun set in a foreign country- Visit London
- Fall in love
- Adopt a shelter animal
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