To Talk or not to Talk, That is the Question....

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

This quote struck a chord today. "You are too sensitive.", "You need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve."You need to grow up and mature, you are still young." These were the words uttered to me after a lengthy conversation about my ability to cry at anything. But in the same talk there were these words "You need to talk more and be open." That to me seems to quite a contradiction. Which oen would you rather I do? Should I talk more and communicate about how I feel or stop taking things to heart. Well lets look at both sides of the coin.

Situation 1: Talk More.
I cry through anger or frustration. I laugh at innappropiate times. I lose friendships and relationships because I want to talk about how I feel. It hurts to know that sometimes the person I am talking to doesn't actually listen to what I am saying. I am, according to you, a mess. I have too many issues.
Situation 2: Stop The Talking.
I lose my ability to sympathise with situations. I do not care about anything or anyone. I become angry. I get asked to "smile more".  I am cold. I close myself off. I lose friends and family.

Now what would you like me to do? Please bare in mind that asking me to choose one is impossible. Having anxiety means that I'm constantly worrying about my actions. You say I make you feel like crap because I closed myself off. Guess what I am feeling worse than you are. You say I need to stop worrying and just forgot about a situation. Guess what I will always worry until a new problem arises. I don;t want to talk to people because I have lost so much as it is. But I don't want to stay quiet because that annoys people. Guess what, you annoy me by asking me to pick an option. Just let me be how I am. 
Writing is my only release. I put the jumbled up, fragmented thoughts from my head to the paper/screen. Now is that classed as talking or not talking? I mean, I still have my release. Just that its in a different way that you don't think works.Yes maybe some days it is pointless me writing. Sometimes it is petty things that I discuss. Yet it is this that keeps me sane.
At the end of the day, I am quite happy being sensitive, It shows I can be compassionate, that I have feelings and that I am aware of the situation at hand. It is not weakness. It is not immaturity. It is not a way that shows I am incapable of dealing with a conflict. It is my strength. It shows that underneath my shell, I am human. I simply just care too much.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The above has to be one of my most favourite quote; one its from Alice in Wonderland, and second it sums up the entire thought process in my head right now. Somebody please tell me. I don't mind which option you go for, but decide for me. Right now there are two paths in my life - to stay in the UAE or move back home to the UK. Easy decision right? Wrong! 

Pro's (of going home):

1. My family

2. Further my career

3. I'm single

4. I have done all I can in this country

5.  I'm alone

 Con's (of going home):

1. Back to the real world

2. Bills, Rent, Tax

3. Lower pay

4. I'm Single

5. I have no money saved

6. I'm alone

It feels so weird that this time 4 years ago, I was making a similar list to leave the country. Now it's the other way round. Go ahead, tell me some of these things are stupid worries. I can hear you saying it. But you are not me. I am anxious about the future. I have to plan ahead to know I can survive on my own. I always thought I was independent but I'm not. I still seek the approval that I'm on the right path. Don't discount my fears because they are not what you would deem important to think about. Just support me and help me with the process. Telling me to go is not helpful unless you tell me why. It's the same for telling me to stay. 

I know that in the end it is only me that can make the final decision, but I do need help. 

x

Tell me to smile one more time...

Go on, I dare you.
Tell me to smile one more time and I will not be held responsible for my actions.
I have my reasons not to smile and it's not of your business. To be honest the first time you said that to me, I was day-dreaming. The second time became an annoyance. The third well, to be frank, pissed me off.

You have no idea what is lurking in my brain. Telling me to smile says that you care only about my outside appearance. Does it annoy you if I don't smile? Do I intimidate you? Do I scare you? If so, I don't care.

So for those that are genuinely  concerned as to why my resting bitch face is more prominent these days well I have the answer for you. You see every morning, I have to drag myself out of bed. Not drag myself out of bed because I can't be bothered to work kind of drag. It's more of a don't want to pretend I am fine and happy and life is full of sunshine and rainbows. I haven't got the energy to pretend any more. Some of you may have put the jigsaw pieces together and figured out the scene, but if not here it is for you. I have depression and anxiety.

I feel like I need to elaborate before you all say "what do you have to be depressed about? You live in a different country, have a great job, have an awesome life. There is no need to be depressed" Well guess what, that is not how depression works. Every individual deals with their own demons in their own way. I'm good at pretending. But recently pretending hurts. I am not fine. I am not having the time of my life. This has been going on since 2009, roughly 8 years. Some days are better than others, some days I just want to hide away. Relationships have suffered greatly. I have lied, cheated, ignored and destroyed those that I have gotten close too, and each time that happens, my mind just spirals further down that black hole. I have had thoughts that my family don't even care. I have thoughts that people I talk to on a daily basis just do it because we are in the same proximity and work requires it. Every day has something fake about it; the smiles, the photos, the conversations. All fake.

I am not sure what triggered these feelings, but each day drains me more and more. Having anxiety doesn't help the situation either. I can do my own thing quite easily. In fact I relish in it as then I have no reason to interact with other people. People suck!

Even writing this is proving difficult. I have so much I want to write but I can't. What if someone is actually reading this, and then they think I'm a nut case, or worse attention-seeking? What if no-one actually cares and all I'm doing is filling that void on Facebook.

I don't even know what I'm doing except worrying about all the wrong things. I just want to be me. I don't even know who that is any more.