3563 miles away

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more

Technically it's a little bit more than that, but who's counting right?

So what has happened since my last post? Well after a dark patch and Melissa being an absolute bitch to the one she loves (yeah he disagreed but he never calls me out on it), someone has had to go on exercise; timing on that is purely coincidental. And how am I taking it? Not as bad as I normally do, however ask me again in two days and I shall tell you a different story. What I do know is that I completely understand how my mother feels when I go AWOL and don't message her for days.

Sorry Mum, I love you!

Oh for those that don't understand what's going on and why my Sunshine is on exercise, basically he's out on quite literally an exercise but I have no contact with him. I completely understand and I get it - it's what his job requires of him, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it right?

I mean the first time we met, he was on tour and then he had to go back to the UK - still had means of communication. The first time he was on exercise while dating me was for three days and I left him 3 snap chats, 9 messages and 4 photos. The second was for 48 hours and left 12 messages and 1 snap chat. This one is for 5/6 days and will be the longest I have gone not speaking to him in 6 months. 
Even when he annoys me, I can only last a few minutes not speaking to him. Even when he went to America for 10 days, we still managed to have some communication. So 5/6 days I am not sure what is going to happen.

I already miss the good morning messages, the ones that say I love you, the ones that say goodnight sweet pea. I miss the way some of his messages end in but :) and the English in me goes "but what"? Most of all I miss his cosy morning selfies - the ones where I wish I was culled up in arms. I only really get them on weekends. The long distance sucks and I can't wait for it to be over, but I can handle it more when I can speak to him. Distance plus no contact is killing me. I know what he'd say right now - you'll be fine, its only for a few days, you'll get used to it. The worst one is - you have nothing to worry about. I can't help but worry, I'm a worrier and I always will be. I mean I even stalked his plane from America to make sure he would get back home in once piece (Yeah I managed to find his flight details without him telling me. I  may look into being a spy if this teaching thing doesn't work out back in the UK). I told him of the stalking and the career change, and he wasn't surprised in the least. Not sure what to make of that.

Trying to sleep at night sucks too. We have gotten into such a routine that I can't sleep until I get a message saying goodnight. Crazy I know.

5 to 6 days - I can do this. Maybe it will be good for us. Maybe it will help us grow even stronger. All I know is that he is definitely the one for me. My sunshine.

Now that this is off my chest, I am now off to spam his phone with puns and messages. Well he did say that he enjoys reading them and they keep him going. Be careful what you wish for sweety.

That Dark Cloud

Yes, that dark cloud has once again rolled over and brought back the d word with it, and for the first time I realised I couldn't give a care in the world that it's happened. I'm done. I'm over it. I really don't care.

I'm not that naive to think it would never come back, but I guess this is what happens when things are looking great for a change.

Right now I'm fed up with being stuck in a different country. I'm fed up playing small talk every day. I'm fed up having to pretend everything is fucking fine when it's not. I'm done with the long distance. I'm done with having to put up with lazy people. I'm done having to put up with people who just can't do their job.   I even realised that I don't care about not washing my hair for 4 days (dry shampoo is amazing). I don't care that I've put on 2kg. It appears that I have reached my tipping point.

I try to focus on the things that make me happy, but at this moment in time they just make me sad.

I know that this post doesn't even make sense but I just need to write. My neighbour next door isn't really helping either. Like seriously midnight is for sleeping not fricking dancing around in heels and banging on every wall possible.

The dark cloud is just part of my life now, and I know it will pass but until then I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of depressive thoughts and notions. I'm so tired that I want to sleep and wake up when the Summer is here. I'm just done.